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how do you find the courage to stick up for yourself if your man can't???

Posted by on Mar. 20, 2012 at 1:29 PM
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Hello. My name is Clarice and I live with my boyfriend & son in San Francisco. We live in my boyfriend's mom's house (which she rents out by the way) and apparently his mom and I have gotten "into" it recently. We have not started on the right foot and at one point we were able to have a relationship. I have been in this horrible situation with her since before my son was born. Here's my long story short. Me and my boyfriend Carl started off good. He was 19 and I was 17 (been together since 2004). I was young, dumb, and naive. In our first month of dating, I cheated on him. Yes, I know I was really wrong. At that time, I didn't know that I would end up with him considering I had feelings for another. Anyways, we broke up for a quick amount of time and he decided to give US another try. everything was great between us. Within that first month before he found out I was cheating on him, I would sleep over at his house parents house and unfortunately, he parents found out and that's where we started on the wrong foot. A few months passed and that's when me and my boyfriend found out that I was pregnant. His mom didn't like that at all. She ended up finding out that I cheated on her son and demanded a DNA test which I understood now that I am a mother myself. I told Carl that was fine and I said, "OK, but when that test comes out positive, your family cannot see my child and she will be the one to pay for it." End of that. Carl has never told me before hand but just a few years ago how she went about with me being pregnant. He's told me how his mom would cry everyday, how she would get on her knees and beg him to take my child and leave me. For someone who practices "the good faith" is not so good when doing that to her son. My parents did everything for me while I was pregnant and his parents did not. There was never a "how is she doing with the pregnancy?" NOTHING. When I gave birth to my son, Cylus-James, I didn't care about anything else. I just wanted to make sure me, Carl, and CJ were always going to be together as a family. the "original" plan of the living situation after CJ was born is for me and CJ to visit Carl on the weekend. We tried that and every time we had to go back to my parents house, it was just way too hard for us to be away from each other when we are suppose to be a family. So, I made the sacrifice to leave my mom's house and live with them. 

It was good for a bit until I went to jail (don't want to get into that story). my parents wanted to teach me a lesson and his mother ended up bailing me out. i am forever grateful for her doing that. Again, we didn't get a long for a period amount of time.

We started to develop a relationship where we went shopping together and everything. I did her laundry at one point.

Now, that my son is older and not a baby anymore, A LOT of things has changed. Carl has a younger brother and his girlfriend now basically live in their mother's home too. With 6 adults and 1 child in 1 household, there's not a lot of room. 

Every now and then there would be beef between me and Carl with his brother and girlfriend, but that's over and done with now.

The most recent problem that happened was this past Sunday. My boyfriend's car is messing up and since my car broke down, I was the one using his car. We discussed about his car problem and I automatically felt all eyes on me. I felt they were looking at me and pointing the finger at me for using his car like I was the one who cause the problems in Carl's car. I asked him without it being a secret, "o, now what? they thinks it's my fault?" Is it that bad that I asked a simple question? I don't know if I was rude about it or what not but it's still a question. His parents didn't talk to me for the rest of the Sunday. 

Yesterday, I decided to apologize just so there is no tension in the house. I spoke to his mom about Sunday and just I had suspected.."You know Clarice. I'm not responsible for you. Carl can't stand on his own feet therefore I have to support him. And I am already support CJ. I don't understand how your parents can dump another burden on me. Rosemary (their landlord) has already had a talk with me that there is too many people in this house. Trish (the younger brother's girlfriend) is just a girlfriend and she has no responsibility in this house but she does help out all the time. I never see you pull your weight around the house. This is not a bording house where you can do what you please. I never ask you for money because I know you're in school, but you still need to pull your weight around here (which I clean everyday after school when no one is home). You know,Trish always helps out with CJ (which is also BS considering she only picks up my son from school twice a week at 2 PM and I come home at 2:30 PM, so a half hour of watching my son). I think you are better off living back at your parents house." (I had to shorten the whole conversation sorry!) Those are the main things that I cannot get out of my head. I just don't get why she has to compare me when us girlfriend do everything for her sons and them (the MONSTER-IN-LAWS). I don't want to drag Trish into this problem since she knows what we both do for them in the house. 

SOOO SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY!!!

Now here's the help that I need. How should I go about this situation? I want to pack up and leave so she can see how bad she treated me and that I took care of her son as much as I took care of her grandson. But I don't want to leave without my child and if I do, I know that will stir a lot of shit up between his family, Carl and myself. I never want to put my son in the middle of this dysfunctional family of theirs. I need all the help, confidence, and especially courage that I can get from any of you!






by on Mar. 20, 2012 at 1:29 PM
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Replies (1-3):
syoumans77
by Member on Mar. 20, 2012 at 6:06 PM
1 mom liked this

Why would you have to leave without your child?  I'm not getting that part.  If I were you, I would take him and leave.  If your BF wants to come then fine, if not then fine.  You need to worry about you and your son...that's it.  If you can't go to your parents then go to Welfare and they will help you get situated.  But it sounds like you need to just put your big girl panties on and leave the situation.  It's not good for you or your son. 

Good luck!  **HUGS**

tinyy_reese
by New Member on Mar. 21, 2012 at 3:23 AM
This is the funny thing..this situation with the monster-in-law is this isn't the first time. Couple of years back, we all had a bad arguement. I wanted to leave but my boyfriend himself and his family would not give me my son. I attempted to call the police but I didn't do it because there was no legitimate reason to. My boyfriend doesnt abuse our child. I just don't know how to go about this without creating bad tension between me and my son's father and to also not have to have my son in the middle AND! To not have my son experience this kind of verbal abuse. Any advice?
KrissyKC
by Member on Mar. 21, 2012 at 6:33 PM
3 moms liked this

If you leave your son behind, the courts will see that when they have to make a decision of custody.   You really should take him with you and work out a good visitation arrangement.   Also, file for child support.   Which you will have to anyway in order to file for any public assistance.

Like another poster said, "time to get big girl panties on"...   I honestly don't really see the "monster" in your mother in law like you do.   I'm a mom, too,  and you're telling me that you cheated on him early on, that you threatened to never let her see the baby because she wanted to make sure it was her grandson before she took on the extra responsibility,  you've been in jail (for whatever reason, it's your business, not mine)... but still you were in jail...and this is all on top of a pregnancy that was unplanned and you without supporting yourself.

and through this, your MIL has bailed you out of jail, paid for a DNA test, has made room for you all in her home, etc...  even her conversation with you was respectful.  

Honestly, and I'm not trying to be horrid, but you need to do some growing up...   so does your BF.    If he was 19 in 2004, then he's 26?  right?   Why is he still living at home when he has a child???

Your mother in law isn't the one out of line, hon...  you two are.



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