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i kinda flipped my shit...(will be long sorry)

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I know no one will comment or probably read this since this group seems to have gone dead but i need to get this off my chest. My MIL called the other day to ask my DH if he got her text about his step gpa dying. He said yes. She continued to talk to him about it so he went outside. I was fixing stuff inside so I couldn't go outside yet, but when I did he's asking her where the funeral home is & if she'd get him directions to the cemetery. UM Hello?! I know where this place is & the funeral home site gives u directions to the cemetery. He had no reason to ask his mom except to play baby boy & mommy will u do it for me. Yes I know i was slightly jealous b/c as many of u may remember we've had so many issues w/ the MIL that i've written her off. I though DH had supported me but the 1st time she calls he's back to playing her game. Never once did he ask about her behavior at Izzys party, he said it never crossed his mind. WOW,really? THis women disrespects me, him & is rude to everyone of MY friends & family & he just forgot about it?! Some of u may be saying i'm insensitive b/c someone had died. Well i'm not, noone in his family has had anything to do with man in 5-6 years so theres no mourning going on. I told him i was upset that he never once even thought about it b/c thats what his family does w/ her they forget her bad behavior so she thinks she can continue. In the entire 20 min conversation never once did she even ask about her grandkids, that she hasn't seen in 3 months. This women takes the cake & i'm afraid she's going to take my husband too. He ignores her as long as she ignores us but as soon as she calls, he jumps right into her lap forgetting all the wrong she has done. I've tried to talk about it but this pregnancy has got my hormones all crazy so all i do is cry so he told me that i'm the drama queen & i cause all the problems & he doesn't want me @ the funeral b/c I'll start a scene!! I asked him when did i ever cause a scene in public? NEVER its always his mother showing her ass, but b/c i'm upset now its all my fault. Yes i know that i should've just ignored it but its so hard to understand why that wasn't on his mind when she called. oh well thanks for reading & any words of encouragement!

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by on Sep. 4, 2012 at 8:32 AM
Replies (11-17):
hkcason
by Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 9:03 AM

Hi Pam,

While I agree with a lot of what you said the thing my husband DOESN'T see w/ his mother IS unconditional love. Her love has always been very conditional on what others can do for her. Even after telling her things that she was doing that were inappropriate & setting up boundries she continued to ignore them. The lies & accusations were the final straw for our family. Not sure if I posted about that. Guess what I really need is someone who's dealt w/ a narcissistic, bipolar, unwilling to seek treatment, lying MIL whose past behavior has shown she can't be trusted. If you have any tips on building a relationship with this kind of person PLEASE help me! I don't like knowing that my husbands mother isn't going to know my children, BUT i will not let someone who's not mentally stable be around my children. Thanks Pam!

Quoting pam355:

Hi I am new to the group. I am happy to be a part of this group. I am a MIL and wrote the book MIL DIL Dilemma. I have read many posts and decided to reply to this one. I think MIL's do need to step back and not interfere. DIL's need to refrain from judgements and give the relationship time and patience. I have 3DIL's and 1 SIL I do love them all and they are all so different. First off I think DIL's really need to believe they come first with their husbands. If you agree with this then feeling twinges of jealousy over hus relationship with his mother wouldn't bother you in the least. There is room in his heart for many kinds of love. You are right that he won't deny his mother. During my research I saw a man who  stopped talking to his mom for 10 yrs. but renewed the relationship. I guess a DIL would have to think of her own son if she has one. She will forgive him anything and he knows it. He senses her unconditional love. The same holds true no matter what his age and the man knows this. DIL's are okay calling or having their mom stop by but MIL's need to call first and that's ok. See their are new ground rules for the MIL but no one tells her this. As a result many MIL's spend years trying to get it straight. Bottom line is in my 15 yrs. of research for the book which I began as a  DIL and finished as a MIL I discovered the problems were the same. MIL's fear losing their sons and grandchildren. DIL's seem to fear the intimidation their MIL's inspire in them. If one thinks in terms of motherhood, one can appreciate asking another to take on their mother is difficult. DILs need to feel confident in their position. Even if he at times caters to mom he still places wife and kids first. The bit of jealousy creeps into both womens thinking process. DIL has the right to make the decisions with her husband. MIL has been doing it for such a long time it is difficult for her to step back and let go and she must. The crazy thing is the problems are the same with every geneeration. We will all most likely play in both roles. It's not about competition but compromise. In the end it takes more out of a person to fight and be in a state of turmoil. Sometimes also it might not be about us as much as we think. One of my DIL's said it one time that it drove her crazy when I was quiet because she thought I was mad or something. I laughed and said those were the times I was fighting with my husband. I am sorry for your turmoil especially being pregnant. One more thing. i worked it out with my MIL through jokes and laughter. It became easier to let out things either of us didn't like. Anger got diffused this way. My best god bless and I hope things improve. pam  


pam355
by New Member on Jan. 17, 2013 at 1:12 PM

Hi

I am sorry if I made it sound easy to get from a to b. It sounds like you have been under a lot of stress. Just as some of our friends are more difficult than others so it is with MILs and DILs. The match is not always perfect. It is an unintentionally significant relationship. If your MIL has set her sail for controversy, it will make it harder for you to break down the walls but not impossible. My family spent years fighting and not talking with each other. At a young age I determined not to repeat the mistakes. I repeatedly tried to make contact with an alienated brother and sister and after 10 years was successful. I always made it a point to tell my kids that I would always attempt to make peace and that they should never repeat  family mistakes. After marriage my kids had a falling out. I did not get involved only to say to both of them, you know you need to make peace with each other. In a short time they did to the happiness of the entire family. If kids see parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents fight and distance themselves, they come to decide that maybe their parents' love is conditional. If mom and dad can turn on their own family what's to say it won't happen to them. We kind of need to think  how much our actions influence them.  It is not to say either party is right or wrong. In the end i my own family the problems were just forgotten and not brought up again. I think it is better to try to work them out but if that is not possible, it is better to move  forward with a new slate. Your MIL should  have boundaries but she doesn't see or understand how much she is interfering. In this respect I would recommend you give her time and patience. If you are calmly settling a decision with your husband and she disagrees and offers her input, smile, remain calm and gently say well you might be  right and maybe we'll have to learn the hard way but we decided to give this a try. It would be helpful at that point to get busy with changing the baby or helping another child. You might redirect your MIL with a question regarding a more  trivial situation. This allows her to save face and give her input to another problem. (minor) Power struggles are sometimes created more because each person likes to feel they know best. When any of us don't get our way we feel that we have lost the battle and the other person is gloating at the victory. In reality the crazy victory means nothing. We know that and the MIL knows that. If her son sides with her once in awhile, it doesn't mean he thinks she's smarter or that he loves or trusts her more. It just means she made sense in his logically mind  about whatever they discussed. Treating the relationship with sensitivity Will give each of you time to work on barriers and peaceful common ground. the kids can help in attaining these goals. Divert the discussions around the kids and encourage her to think more about them than your husband and yourself. Once your MIL is comfortable with the fact that her son loves her still and she has the added love of the grandchildren and respect of her DIL your family dynamics should improve. We all get caught up in exaggerating what people do and say. We forget they did or said in in anger and it might have been  from the hip and without much thought. Nobody enjoys war and nobody wins. Innocent people get hurt. We all really want love and attention. We all like to be the boss. The boss is the wise person who understands other people and manages to work a negative situation into a positive one. It never happens overnight but the peacefulness begins when one has begun to work on it. Good luck honest;y, and God Bless you and your family.

Pam 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust

hkcason
by Member on Jan. 18, 2013 at 3:00 PM

You didn't make it sound easy & I know its not going to be. The only thing is their is NO open line of communication. Not just b/c we cut them off. She will literally ignore us for months at a time & then expect us to jump when she barks. We hadn't seen or heard from them aside from the funeral for pretty much a year, yet we were expected to be there for Christmas. The last time she addressed me was Feb, 2012 & only b/c I stood in her living room & repeatedly said Hi to her. She doesn't care. I really wish you'd read my other posts which explains why I finally said no more. Cuz theres been a bunch of them. What's sad is that we used to have a great relationship, or so I thought. I overlooked A LOT of little lies here & there but the last 1 was unforgivable. And whats worse is that she really believes all the lies she's said. Thats why I'm totally open to any advice on how to deal w/ someone who obviously has mental problems. And what my children see is hopefully their Mommy showing them that you let no one, no matter who it is treat you badly. My older son has seen & heard way too much & I feel like I failed him every time he listened to more of her lies. I will protect my younger (soon to be )2 from the lies. About what you said about re-directing her. Great idea, however b/c my MIL never said anything to my face, it couldn't really work for me. She's like the friend in high school who would smile & listen to your face & then blast your ass as soon as your back was turned.  My husband has tried to reason with her for years but she never admitted fault. How do you build a relationship w/ someone like that? I hope I'm not coming off as too harsh cuz I really would like some kind of answer. 

Quoting pam355:

Hi

I am sorry if I made it sound easy to get from a to b. It sounds like you have been under a lot of stress. Just as some of our friends are more difficult than others so it is with MILs and DILs. The match is not always perfect. It is an unintentionally significant relationship. If your MIL has set her sail for controversy, it will make it harder for you to break down the walls but not impossible. My family spent years fighting and not talking with each other. At a young age I determined not to repeat the mistakes. I repeatedly tried to make contact with an alienated brother and sister and after 10 years was successful. I always made it a point to tell my kids that I would always attempt to make peace and that they should never repeat  family mistakes. After marriage my kids had a falling out. I did not get involved only to say to both of them, you know you need to make peace with each other. In a short time they did to the happiness of the entire family. If kids see parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents fight and distance themselves, they come to decide that maybe their parents' love is conditional. If mom and dad can turn on their own family what's to say it won't happen to them. We kind of need to think  how much our actions influence them.  It is not to say either party is right or wrong. In the end i my own family the problems were just forgotten and not brought up again. I think it is better to try to work them out but if that is not possible, it is better to move  forward with a new slate. Your MIL should  have boundaries but she doesn't see or understand how much she is interfering. In this respect I would recommend you give her time and patience. If you are calmly settling a decision with your husband and she disagrees and offers her input, smile, remain calm and gently say well you might be  right and maybe we'll have to learn the hard way but we decided to give this a try. It would be helpful at that point to get busy with changing the baby or helping another child. You might redirect your MIL with a question regarding a more  trivial situation. This allows her to save face and give her input to another problem. (minor) Power struggles are sometimes created more because each person likes to feel they know best. When any of us don't get our way we feel that we have lost the battle and the other person is gloating at the victory. In reality the crazy victory means nothing. We know that and the MIL knows that. If her son sides with her once in awhile, it doesn't mean he thinks she's smarter or that he loves or trusts her more. It just means she made sense in his logically mind  about whatever they discussed. Treating the relationship with sensitivity Will give each of you time to work on barriers and peaceful common ground. the kids can help in attaining these goals. Divert the discussions around the kids and encourage her to think more about them than your husband and yourself. Once your MIL is comfortable with the fact that her son loves her still and she has the added love of the grandchildren and respect of her DIL your family dynamics should improve. We all get caught up in exaggerating what people do and say. We forget they did or said in in anger and it might have been  from the hip and without much thought. Nobody enjoys war and nobody wins. Innocent people get hurt. We all really want love and attention. We all like to be the boss. The boss is the wise person who understands other people and manages to work a negative situation into a positive one. It never happens overnight but the peacefulness begins when one has begun to work on it. Good luck honest;y, and God Bless you and your family.

Pam 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust


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fourbyfour
by New Member on Jan. 19, 2013 at 7:15 PM

I think your response is filled with kindness and compassion, BUT assumes that the MIL is somewhat mentally healthy. However, there are MILs with clear mental/psychological issues. For these mentally unhealthy MILs, I don't think your suggestion applies.

My MIL sounds similar to this poster's MIL. My MIL is a hurtful narcissist (quick link to explain http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html). Her emotional/psychological issues are NOT mine or her son's to fix. We REFUSE to engage in that sort of codependent behavior with her. When it was just DH (he is the only child), MIL, and FIL, she was able to force her family to comply to her ways with all her manipulative, narcissistic tactics. Now that DH and I are partners in life, she refuses to give up her throne and tries to force him back into his "little boy" mentality with all of her guilt trips, attacks on him and me. It is not enough that her son loves her very much and does all he can to express his love. She wants FULL control over his life and she wants to be the center of it.  UNREAL. That is her issue, not ours.

When there is narcissism and codependent behaviors involved, my counselor suggested that we draw strict boundaries... because these narcissistic individuals are experts at getting their way over time. They have emotional issues and insecurities that run WAY deep (back to their childhood usually), and they only care about other people as it relates to their own ego.

We currently limit our time with MIL, set her straight when she says rude or inappropriate things (whether outright or passive aggressive), and when she refuses to respect us as individuals we stop contact with her for about a month.

Quoting pam355:

Hi

I am sorry if I made it sound easy to get from a to b. It sounds like you have been under a lot of stress. Just as some of our friends are more difficult than others so it is with MILs and DILs. The match is not always perfect. It is an unintentionally significant relationship. If your MIL has set her sail for controversy, it will make it harder for you to break down the walls but not impossible. My family spent years fighting and not talking with each other. At a young age I determined not to repeat the mistakes. I repeatedly tried to make contact with an alienated brother and sister and after 10 years was successful. I always made it a point to tell my kids that I would always attempt to make peace and that they should never repeat  family mistakes. After marriage my kids had a falling out. I did not get involved only to say to both of them, you know you need to make peace with each other. In a short time they did to the happiness of the entire family. If kids see parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents fight and distance themselves, they come to decide that maybe their parents' love is conditional. If mom and dad can turn on their own family what's to say it won't happen to them. We kind of need to think  how much our actions influence them.  It is not to say either party is right or wrong. In the end i my own family the problems were just forgotten and not brought up again. I think it is better to try to work them out but if that is not possible, it is better to move  forward with a new slate. Your MIL should  have boundaries but she doesn't see or understand how much she is interfering. In this respect I would recommend you give her time and patience. If you are calmly settling a decision with your husband and she disagrees and offers her input, smile, remain calm and gently say well you might be  right and maybe we'll have to learn the hard way but we decided to give this a try. It would be helpful at that point to get busy with changing the baby or helping another child. You might redirect your MIL with a question regarding a more  trivial situation. This allows her to save face and give her input to another problem. (minor) Power struggles are sometimes created more because each person likes to feel they know best. When any of us don't get our way we feel that we have lost the battle and the other person is gloating at the victory. In reality the crazy victory means nothing. We know that and the MIL knows that. If her son sides with her once in awhile, it doesn't mean he thinks she's smarter or that he loves or trusts her more. It just means she made sense in his logically mind  about whatever they discussed. Treating the relationship with sensitivity Will give each of you time to work on barriers and peaceful common ground. the kids can help in attaining these goals. Divert the discussions around the kids and encourage her to think more about them than your husband and yourself. Once your MIL is comfortable with the fact that her son loves her still and she has the added love of the grandchildren and respect of her DIL your family dynamics should improve. We all get caught up in exaggerating what people do and say. We forget they did or said in in anger and it might have been  from the hip and without much thought. Nobody enjoys war and nobody wins. Innocent people get hurt. We all really want love and attention. We all like to be the boss. The boss is the wise person who understands other people and manages to work a negative situation into a positive one. It never happens overnight but the peacefulness begins when one has begun to work on it. Good luck honest;y, and God Bless you and your family.

Pam 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust


hkcason
by Member on Jan. 20, 2013 at 2:46 PM
1 mom liked this

 girl, u nailed it! Narcissism, its served up w/ a side of guilt & a dash denial!

Quoting fourbyfour:

I think your response is filled with kindness and compassion, BUT assumes that the MIL is somewhat mentally healthy. However, there are MILs with clear mental/psychological issues. For these mentally unhealthy MILs, I don't think your suggestion applies.

My MIL sounds similar to this poster's MIL. My MIL is a hurtful narcissist (quick link to explain http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html). Her emotional/psychological issues are NOT mine or her son's to fix. We REFUSE to engage in that sort of codependent behavior with her. When it was just DH (he is the only child), MIL, and FIL, she was able to force her family to comply to her ways with all her manipulative, narcissistic tactics. Now that DH and I are partners in life, she refuses to give up her throne and tries to force him back into his "little boy" mentality with all of her guilt trips, attacks on him and me. It is not enough that her son loves her very much and does all he can to express his love. She wants FULL control over his life and she wants to be the center of it.  UNREAL. That is her issue, not ours.

When there is narcissism and codependent behaviors involved, my counselor suggested that we draw strict boundaries... because these narcissistic individuals are experts at getting their way over time. They have emotional issues and insecurities that run WAY deep (back to their childhood usually), and they only care about other people as it relates to their own ego.

We currently limit our time with MIL, set her straight when she says rude or inappropriate things (whether outright or passive aggressive), and when she refuses to respect us as individuals we stop contact with her for about a month.

Quoting pam355:

Hi

I am sorry if I made it sound easy to get from a to b. It sounds like you have been under a lot of stress. Just as some of our friends are more difficult than others so it is with MILs and DILs. The match is not always perfect. It is an unintentionally significant relationship. If your MIL has set her sail for controversy, it will make it harder for you to break down the walls but not impossible. My family spent years fighting and not talking with each other. At a young age I determined not to repeat the mistakes. I repeatedly tried to make contact with an alienated brother and sister and after 10 years was successful. I always made it a point to tell my kids that I would always attempt to make peace and that they should never repeat  family mistakes. After marriage my kids had a falling out. I did not get involved only to say to both of them, you know you need to make peace with each other. In a short time they did to the happiness of the entire family. If kids see parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents fight and distance themselves, they come to decide that maybe their parents' love is conditional. If mom and dad can turn on their own family what's to say it won't happen to them. We kind of need to think  how much our actions influence them.  It is not to say either party is right or wrong. In the end i my own family the problems were just forgotten and not brought up again. I think it is better to try to work them out but if that is not possible, it is better to move  forward with a new slate. Your MIL should  have boundaries but she doesn't see or understand how much she is interfering. In this respect I would recommend you give her time and patience. If you are calmly settling a decision with your husband and she disagrees and offers her input, smile, remain calm and gently say well you might be  right and maybe we'll have to learn the hard way but we decided to give this a try. It would be helpful at that point to get busy with changing the baby or helping another child. You might redirect your MIL with a question regarding a more  trivial situation. This allows her to save face and give her input to another problem. (minor) Power struggles are sometimes created more because each person likes to feel they know best. When any of us don't get our way we feel that we have lost the battle and the other person is gloating at the victory. In reality the crazy victory means nothing. We know that and the MIL knows that. If her son sides with her once in awhile, it doesn't mean he thinks she's smarter or that he loves or trusts her more. It just means she made sense in his logically mind  about whatever they discussed. Treating the relationship with sensitivity Will give each of you time to work on barriers and peaceful common ground. the kids can help in attaining these goals. Divert the discussions around the kids and encourage her to think more about them than your husband and yourself. Once your MIL is comfortable with the fact that her son loves her still and she has the added love of the grandchildren and respect of her DIL your family dynamics should improve. We all get caught up in exaggerating what people do and say. We forget they did or said in in anger and it might have been  from the hip and without much thought. Nobody enjoys war and nobody wins. Innocent people get hurt. We all really want love and attention. We all like to be the boss. The boss is the wise person who understands other people and manages to work a negative situation into a positive one. It never happens overnight but the peacefulness begins when one has begun to work on it. Good luck honest;y, and God Bless you and your family.

Pam 

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." Marcel Proust


 

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GloryDaze
by on Aug. 15, 2013 at 4:17 PM

Gosh! If I didn't know better I'd think you and I share the same Monster-in-law.  Unfortunately I can't give you advise on how to build a relationship with her because I haven't even accomplish that great feat myself. My MIL lies, steals, manipulates, gossips, bad mouths.  As you stated she is the type of person who is nice to your face but talks about you behind your back.  The only time she calls our house is when she wants something from DH and she expects him to jump through hoops when she wants something.  The funny thing about that is that she often tells the rest of the family that I wear the pants in the family (this is meant to be an insult to my husband because they are Italian and that's her way of saying he isn't a real man because he allows his wife to run him. (she will say this if something she asks for is inconvenient for DH to do and if he tells her he can't do it she'll blame me saying that I'm preventing him from doing what she wants). 

I have calmly confronted her about her telling the family I wear the pants in the family by saying "The problem isn't that you believe I wear the pants in family - the problem is that my presence prevents YOU from wearing the pants in the family." 

The last straw for me was one time, we visited her with two of our children (our son had not been born yet) and she served us dinner.  I should have known she was up to something because she seemed different. As I ate my dinner I noticed that it was VERY SPICY and HOT.  She had put jalapeno peppers in my food! For no other reason than to just be nasty in a passive aggressive manner.

I spoke with my husband and tried to forbid any further contact with her, but he felt as though he was between a rock and a hard place.  It is understandable that he would love the woman who raised him to be the man he is (and, don't get me wrong - he is a wonderful man).  I was still extremely angry and resentful that she was allowed to still come to our home.  I had to find a way to deal with it and keep my sanity.  I felt that if my husband couldn't or wouldn't handle his mother than it was up to me to do so for my own self respect and pride.

So, I took an 8 x 10 picture frame and I wrote these words in beautiful scripted letters: People who treat other people poorly should not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned.  I framed it and sat it on the bedside table of our guest bedroom when she visited. I also framed another that read: You reap what you sow. I feel I must explain that this is not an out of the ordinary thing for me to do - writing words of wisdom and framing them. I've done this with our children while they were growing up - just without being sinister.

I just decided it was time to have the mentality - an eye for an eye.  I crushed some cubes of the chocolate flavored exlax laxatives, melted them a bit and frosted cupcakes especially for her. She loves chocolate! I've done other things too. Poison ivy was involved once but I won't get into that.  I know these things are wrong. I'm an educated woman and should know better than to stoop to such lows but sometimes you just have stoop to their level and dish it back. My sister told me I should forgive - through her tears of hysterical laughter. I told her "Nothing says forgiveness like revenge" and we raised our wine glasses in a toast. Neither of us can keep a straight face now when we eat a cupcake.

Maybe you need to forgive like I forgave. If not, I hope I at least gave you a little chuckle with my story.

 

hkcason
by Member on Aug. 16, 2013 at 7:35 AM

Well since I wrote this we found out the straw that broke the camels back, or atleast for. As in I will never speak to her again & my children won't either. She went around telling people i pushed her at my dd's bday party! I refuse to even fake a relationship with someone that mentally disturbed. My husband still gets guilted around holidays so our marriage is very strained at the moment. I wish I could have some sort of release like you did but alas she rarely came over & the thought of being around her sends me into severe anxiety. When she showed up at my DH friends funeral & asked my SIL where her grandson was (I was nursing) i almost walked out. This women has caused so much turmoil in my life that she has yet to acknowledge that there us no room for her in my life. I try to forgive & forget but every time I get close something else happens. Right now I just stay away & love my family & know that I'm a good person & one day she'll be judged for what she's done. I do plan on wearing the brightest color I can find to her funeral because I won't be mourning, I'll be celebrating! 

Quoting GloryDaze:

Gosh! If I didn't know better I'd think you and I share the same Monster-in-law.  Unfortunately I can't give you advise on how to build a relationship with her because I haven't even accomplish that great feat myself. My MIL lies, steals, manipulates, gossips, bad mouths.  As you stated she is the type of person who is nice to your face but talks about you behind your back.  The only time she calls our house is when she wants something from DH and she expects him to jump through hoops when she wants something.  The funny thing about that is that she often tells the rest of the family that I wear the pants in the family (this is meant to be an insult to my husband because they are Italian and that's her way of saying he isn't a real man because he allows his wife to run him. (she will say this if something she asks for is inconvenient for DH to do and if he tells her he can't do it she'll blame me saying that I'm preventing him from doing what she wants). 

I have calmly confronted her about her telling the family I wear the pants in the family by saying "The problem isn't that you believe I wear the pants in family - the problem is that my presence prevents YOU from wearing the pants in the family." 

The last straw for me was one time, we visited her with two of our children (our son had not been born yet) and she served us dinner.  I should have known she was up to something because she seemed different. As I ate my dinner I noticed that it was VERY SPICY and HOT.  She had put jalapeno peppers in my food! For no other reason than to just be nasty in a passive aggressive manner.

I spoke with my husband and tried to forbid any further contact with her, but he felt as though he was between a rock and a hard place.  It is understandable that he would love the woman who raised him to be the man he is (and, don't get me wrong - he is a wonderful man).  I was still extremely angry and resentful that she was allowed to still come to our home.  I had to find a way to deal with it and keep my sanity.  I felt that if my husband couldn't or wouldn't handle his mother than it was up to me to do so for my own self respect and pride.

So, I took an 8 x 10 picture frame and I wrote these words in beautiful scripted letters: People who treat other people poorly should not be surprised when the bread they have cast on the waters comes floating back to them, poisoned.  I framed it and sat it on the bedside table of our guest bedroom when she visited. I also framed another that read: You reap what you sow. I feel I must explain that this is not an out of the ordinary thing for me to do - writing words of wisdom and framing them. I've done this with our children while they were growing up - just without being sinister.

I just decided it was time to have the mentality - an eye for an eye.  I crushed some cubes of the chocolate flavored exlax laxatives, melted them a bit and frosted cupcakes especially for her. She loves chocolate! I've done other things too. Poison ivy was involved once but I won't get into that.  I know these things are wrong. I'm an educated woman and should know better than to stoop to such lows but sometimes you just have stoop to their level and dish it back. My sister told me I should forgive - through her tears of hysterical laughter. I told her "Nothing says forgiveness like revenge" and we raised our wine glasses in a toast. Neither of us can keep a straight face now when we eat a cupcake.

Maybe you need to forgive like I forgave. If not, I hope I at least gave you a little chuckle with my story.



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