9/25/09 n 3/7/10....mommy misses you both sooo dearly!!
So i am going to start out by saying that i had two healthy babies to start with....i have a daughter that is 4 years old and a son who is almost 2 1/2. in may of 2009 my DH and i found out that we were expecting baby #3...and we were aggitated..i was soo upset i cried and screamed. finally after 2 weeks of hating the fact that we were expecting again..because it was unexpected..and the time was definately not right. we were finally just getting at a great place in our marriage..we were doing great finiacally.we sat down one night and said...if this is gods plan then we need to stop being so damn mad and just enjoy this pregnancy and just pray that this baby is as healthy as the two that we have. went threw the pregnancy just like i did with my first two. there was some stress involved...with losing my job at the beginning and trying to find another one. i turned 23 on 9/19 and had exp. some mild bh on 9/21.....i thought nothing of them..just that since this was my 3rd pregnancy that it was normal for me to start feeling them this early on. i sat down drank and ice cold glass of water and the bh went away. on 9/23 at 21w i went to my OB apt. where they couldnt find her hb. they then called another doctor in to try and find it and she couldnt find it either. they sent me over to simon med to get a level 2 u/s. There they told me that she was only measuring at 15w3d. i had an ultrasound on 8/31 at 18w to find out the gender. so at some point between 8/31 and 9/23 her heart stopped beating and she began to slowy shrink in size. They wanted me to wait until 9/25 before i could even get in to see my OB...but i demanded that they do something about it immediately! so on 9/24 they called me and said that i was to be induced on 9/25. i was in labor for about 6.5 hours and she weighed 1/4lb and was 9in long. this is the first time i have written this out. my DH was there with me the whole time. i luckily got a great nurse and they gave me and epidural...to help make me as comfortable as possible. but really how comfortable can some one make you in this situation? i choose not to see her or hold her..and looking back now i wish i would have..because it kills me inside. they wanted to keep me over night to make sure i was ok ...but i just wanted to go home with my babies. a week later i went for a follow up with my OB and he said that i was ok to start ttc again right away. So i went home and told DH and we were anxious but nervous about it! on 12/23 we got a BFP and retested on 12/24. I had an ultrasound almost every week..with my nerves being shot. and since the tests from our daughter came back clean....they couldnt find any reason for this to have happened. they sent me to a specialist at 12 weeks because this babies hb was always about 182. on 3/4/10 we were at walmart getting what we thought was our last family picture as the 4 of us...and after the apt....i went to the bathroom and noticed that i had started to bleed. my DH then took me to the hospital..where they told that the baby still detected a HB but that it was rather low. i cant remember correctly but i think he said something like 100 or so. i was too upset to remember. they told me to go home and to let nature take its course...i then called my doctor the next day and he got me in..he then did a quick u/s to check to see if mb the hospital misread something..and then he told me that at this point there was No hb. (this was on a friday)he then said that he would schedule me for a d/c for monday morning. i was to turn 15w on saturday. he perscribed me Vicodin...(im anemic). So all day friday and all day saturday i was freaking out..in pain..an emotional mess..trying to hold it together for my childrens sake. Saturday night...3/6 my daughter and i decided to curl up on the couch together and sleep...since my husband works nights...it was nice to have some one...at 1am on 3/7 i had a dream that i was bleeding down my leg..the next thing i remember was rushing to the bath room..and feeling the baby fall out. *i thought it was just a clot* so i stood up and still to this day i remember seeing the baby...i then called my husband at work..and in front of my 3 year old i screamed the baby fell out. he then left work...and took me to the hospital. they there did an u/s to see if i had infact passed the baby on my own. i laid in the Emergancy room in a bed...for 6 hours...bleeding...i passd out several times..one time while i was sitting on the toilet. They wouldnt give me anything for pain. after 6 hours...another OB who i had seen when i was pregnant with my son finally came down to see me..walked out the room..and the only thing i remember hearing him say was "tell me why it has taken you all this long to call me down here?" he then rushed me into an OR and performed a d/c. i had lost so much blood that they had to keep me over night for close observation.
i now see a therapist to try and get some helpful advice about this whole thing, but i am just sooo lost and confused from it all. Not only did i lose one but i lost 2 not even 6 months apart..they werent early losses either. i love my children to death but i just wish i could understand. and i am sure many of you are wishing for the same thing! we so want to have another one, but we are soooooooo scared to TTC for that baby...talking about it makes us tense up.
sorry for rambling so long!!