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9/25/09 n 3/7/10....mommy misses you both sooo dearly!!

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2011 at 2:08 AM
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So i am going to start out by saying that i had two healthy babies to start with....i have a daughter that is 4 years old and a son who is almost 2 1/2. in may of 2009 my DH and i found out that we were expecting baby #3...and we were aggitated..i was soo upset i cried and screamed. finally after 2 weeks of hating the fact that we were expecting again..because it was unexpected..and the time was definately not right. we were finally just getting at a great place in our marriage..we were doing great finiacally.we sat down one night and said...if this is gods plan then we need to stop being so damn mad and just enjoy this pregnancy and just pray that this baby is as healthy as the two that we have. went threw the pregnancy just like i did with my first two. there was some stress involved...with losing my job at the beginning and trying to find another one. i turned 23 on 9/19 and had exp. some mild bh on 9/21.....i thought nothing of them..just that since this was my 3rd pregnancy that it was normal for me to start feeling them this early on. i sat down drank and ice cold glass of water and the bh went away. on 9/23 at 21w i went to my OB apt. where they couldnt find her hb. they then called another doctor in to try and find it and she couldnt find it either. they sent me over to simon med to get a level 2 u/s. There they told me that she was only measuring at 15w3d. i had an ultrasound on 8/31 at 18w to find out the gender. so at some point between 8/31 and 9/23 her heart stopped beating and she began to slowy shrink in size. They wanted me to wait until 9/25 before i could even get in to see my OB...but i demanded that they do something about it immediately! so on 9/24 they called me and said that i was to be induced on 9/25. i was in labor for about 6.5 hours and she weighed 1/4lb and was 9in long. this is the first time i have written this out. my DH was there with me the whole time. i luckily got a great nurse and they gave me and help make me as comfortable as possible. but really how comfortable can some one make you in this situation? i choose not to see her or hold her..and looking back now i wish i would have..because it kills me inside. they wanted to keep me over night to make sure i was ok ...but i just wanted to go home with my babies. a week later i went for a follow up with my OB and he said that i was ok to start ttc again right away. So i went home and told DH and we were anxious but nervous about it! on 12/23 we got a BFP and retested on 12/24. I had an ultrasound almost every week..with my nerves being shot. and since the tests from our daughter came back clean....they couldnt find any reason for this to have happened. they sent me to a specialist at 12 weeks because this babies hb was always about 182. on 3/4/10 we were at walmart getting what we thought was our last family picture as the 4 of us...and after the apt....i went to the bathroom and noticed that i had started to bleed. my DH then took me to the hospital..where they told that the baby still detected a HB but that it was rather low. i cant remember correctly but i think he said something like 100 or so. i was too upset to remember. they told me to go home and to let nature take its course...i then called my doctor the next day and he got me in..he then did a quick u/s to check to see if mb the hospital misread something..and then he told me that at this point there was No hb. (this was on a friday)he then said that he would schedule me for a d/c for monday morning. i was to turn 15w on saturday. he perscribed me Vicodin...(im anemic). So all day friday and all day saturday i was freaking emotional mess..trying to hold it together for my childrens sake. Saturday night...3/6 my daughter and i decided to curl up on the couch together and sleep...since my husband works was nice to have some 1am on 3/7 i had a dream that i was bleeding down my leg..the next thing i remember was rushing to the bath room..and feeling the baby fall out. *i thought it was just a clot* so i stood up and still to this day i remember seeing the baby...i then called my husband at work..and in front of my 3 year old i screamed the baby fell out. he then left work...and took me to the hospital. they there did an u/s to see if i had infact passed the baby on my own. i laid in the Emergancy room in a bed...for 6 hours...bleeding...i passd out several time while i was sitting on the toilet. They wouldnt give me anything for pain. after 6 hours...another OB who i had seen when i was pregnant with my son finally came down to see me..walked out the room..and the only thing i remember hearing him say was "tell me why it has taken you all this long to call me down here?" he then rushed me into an OR and performed a d/c. i had lost so much blood that they had to keep me over night for close observation.

i now see a therapist to try and get some helpful advice about this whole thing, but i am just sooo lost and confused from it all. Not only did i lose one but i lost 2 not even 6 months apart..they werent early losses either. i love my children to death but i just wish i could understand. and i am sure many of you are wishing for the same thing! we so want to have another one, but we are soooooooo scared to TTC for that baby...talking about it makes us tense up.

sorry for rambling so long!!

by on Jan. 22, 2011 at 2:08 AM
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Replies (1-5):
by Group Owner on Jan. 22, 2011 at 7:57 AM
i am so sorry for your losses. I had my 2nd trimester loss at home to. I had brought the baby in to be tested but also got no answers. Its hard to decide when to try again. We are all here for you.
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by on Jan. 22, 2011 at 10:51 AM

Im so sorry for your losses,thank you for sharing with us. I can somewhat relate to your first loss.Our first loss with our dd Gabby was our 3rd pregnancy.DH and myself were young,with a 3yr old and 9mo old.We werent in the best place to have a child,but I was excited none the less,but scared how our family would react. Losing her was the hardest thing ive ever gone through,i had no idea how hard it would be.To this day dh and i have a hard time with it,3yrs later. After we lost her we got pregnant and had our now 2yr old son.

In 2010 we had 3 losses,early losses.One in January,one in July and our most recent in December.It has been a rough year.I know they were early losses,but they were losses and with them they brought a lot of heartache and loss of hopes and dreams.Ive found it very helpful to be able to write about it in my journals,as well as on here.Its nice to have a place to share some of your thoughts,that you might think sound crazy,but then have ladies come and say they have the same feelings/thoughts. I wish you and your dh the best,i will be thinking of you,Please keep us updated,and feel free to post any time you feel the need.

by on Jan. 23, 2011 at 12:09 PM
So sorry for your losses. We lost our son at 17 weeks in July. It has been a very hard thing to deal with and I am also terrified to ttc for another. My doctor wanted me yo wait 6 months and yesterday we hit the 6 month mark and we will be ttc starting at the end of this month. I am so sorry you are going through this and that any of us are. I think this is the hardest thing any of us will go through. I hope you are able to find peace and that if you do try again that you are able to bring home a healthy baby. Did they do any testing or blood work on you or just your babies? My babys test came back perfect nothing wrong, but my tests ended up showing I have blood clotting disorders that make me more prone to blood clots and they think a blood clot went into his placenta. I understand your pain about wishing you would have held your baby. I was really unsure if I wanted to then I decided to. My husband brought him over to me to look, but I didn't look very good at him or hold him myself and I regret it everyday. But we have to do what we need to do in that situation and we decided that it was to difficult for us to hold our babies and that is fine, its very tough
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by on Feb. 7, 2011 at 1:51 PM

I am so sry that you had to go through tht twice. I knw how you feel. I went through two miscarriages almost six months apart from each other (one on July 4 2006 the next January 1 2007). I hope and pray tht you will be able to have another baby tht you so desparately want. I will keep you in my prayers

by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 7:17 AM

Our Ethan was planned and took us a year to conceive and with the little guy being our first loss and almost at 6months I ended up having to get help myself but talking to the women in therapy over the last few months has helped me to move forward slowly and better understand why the emotions I feel are so intense. Hugs to you dear....

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