13 years ago today ***This is very long...but I needed the therapy***
I’m not sure if this is the right place for me to post this. If it needs to be moved to a different post, please let me know.
I have been a member for awhile & although I haven’t written about my loss before, I have always read posts from other people & am glad there is a place where we can all come together & everyone understands what the others have gone thru.
***Before I begin I would like to state that the doctor’s office I was going to is very respectable & still to this day is one of the busiest where I live…..I just unfortunately had a bad experience with them.***
It has been 13 years today that my daughter was born stillborn. I was about 6-1/2 months pregnant & had a very hard pregnancy from the start.
It seems that from the time I got pregnant until the end I was just so sick. I basically lived off of chicken noodle soup, Sprite & Hawaiian Punch (and let me tell ya…until this day I can’t stand Hawaiian Punch & will only drink Sprite if I’m sick to my stomach).
It seems that I was constantly at the doctor with one thing or another, of course at the time I figured they thought I was just one of the crazy first time pregnant women who would come in at the drop of something not going right………….Had I (we) actually known what was to come.....maybe I would’ve been treated a little different than “just another pregnant woman”.
I was given script after script of antibiotics & was basically being treated for the flu. I began to believe that I really did have the flu, because of how sick I was. My best friend had a baby & I wouldn’t go around them because I was afraid that I was contagious.
I was having all the “flu” like symptoms (I guess)….aching all over, headaches, throwing up, my arms began to hurt so bad that I would alternate sleeping in the bed & on the couch.
It finally got so bad that it was hurting so bad for me to use the restroom. I went back to the dr (again) & they wanted a urine sample….Well if any of you out there know the color of Juicy Juice Fruit Punch…that’s what my urine looked like. Even the nurse thought someone was pulling a joke on her.
Well guess what………….I was sent home with yet another script for antibiotics & some other med. This was on a Friday. And this is where it goes downhill…………………
After filling my script Friday morning, I went on to work…..took my meds & within 30 minutes, threw them back up….And had to go home early….This happened again Friday night.
I called the doctor’s office that night because every time I took the meds, I would get sick. The doctor that was on call (which I had never seen before), told me that she didn’t have my chart in front of her but that if I got any worse to go to the ER or I could come in 1st thing Monday morning.
After all that I had been thru, I basically shrugged it off & just figured….I’ll deal with it, like I have been & just go Monday morning……
Saturday morning my best friend decides that after 2 months, she doesn’t care if I’m sick or not, she wants me to meet her newborn…..now granted I didn’t know that she was coming over & she woke me up….I opened the door & the look on my friends face….she immediately came in & sat her baby down & grabbed me wanting to know what happened & where the heck my husband was. She was furious & I couldn’t figure out why. I told her to calm down that I just woke up….she jerked me in the bathroom & said who did this to you……….
When I looked in the mirror, I realized why she was so shocked….my whole face was swollen, my eyes were almost swollen together & my face had a yellow tint to it….we went & woke my husband up & he too freaked out when he saw me (makes a girl feel great…let me tell ya).
We thought maybe I had an allergic reaction to the meds I was given. And the weird part is that I wasn’t getting sick…the swelling went down within an hour….Yes I know…I should have been running to the ER…but honestly after all the doctor visits and how they went, I really thought it was something that would pass, after all the swelling went away & wasn’t throwing up.
I felt fine all day Saturday & even Saturday night…..I actually went out to eat.
My husband was going out of town to visit his Mom that weekend (he wasn’t going to go & his brother was even wanting to stay….but I told them I would be fine & was going to stay with Mom).
Sunday was ok……I didn’t feel great, but wasn’t throwing up, as the day went on…I started feeling…just yucky…my Mom had been on the phone with my Grandmother (who used to be a nurse) & she kept having my mom press on my legs (knowing what I know now…I know why)….I had edema very bad.
So my mom made me stay on the couch with my legs propped up & wouldn’t let me get up (only to use the bathroom)…she made an awesome home cooked meal that I absolutely devoured!!! I hadn’t eaten that much in months!!!! I also slept like a baby that night……….
So the next morning (Monday) I jump up, get my shower & start getting ready for work…help my Mom get my sister ready for school & eat another good breakfast….My mom says you’re not going to work, we are going to the doctor…Reluctantly I finally agreed, but told her I didn’t want to see the same doctor as he apparently was helping me to get better. Well on the way to the doctor, my mom has to pull over 4 times…….then when we get in the receptionist, says…she’s going to have to be a walking & not sure how long of a wait it’s going to be.
So as we are sitting there among all the other pregnant ladies, I had to run to the bathroom..I come back & just felt like I needed to lie down. After about 10-15 minutes, I start noticing that the other ladies are staring at me…I asked my mom if she noticed it & she looks at me & her eyes get real big…she goes to the receptionist & says something (I couldn’t hear) & then the receptionist looks at me, calls someone & comes out & says that I need to come with her (yeppers………..my face was swelling again & turning yellow).
I get rushed to a room & am told to lay down that someone would be right with me. I told them I wanted to see someone other than the same doctor I had been seeing…they sent someone in that asked me for yet another urine sample…it again looked the same…the nurse worriedly asked me how long it had been like that & I told her (angrily at this point) that it was like that when I came in on Friday. Around this time I heard the regular doctor that I had been seeing & he said “Oh, Mrs. XXXX is here again today….what’s wrong this time?”…the nurse went flying around the corner, you could hear them talking, but couldn’t make out what they were saying.
I’m taken back to the room & someone takes my blood pressure, I’m told to lie down, they turn the lights down & I can hear people talking outside my room. My Mom is outside with them.
The doctor, nurse & my Mom come back in the room & they say they want to do an ultrasound; well I already knew something was wrong when the ultrasound tech went to get the doctor & he came in & said they needed to do a vaginal ultrasound & he stayed right there while they did another ultrasound. I didn’t even have to see his face………..I already knew………….She was gone.
I remember him taking my hand & mumbling the words to me & my Mom…..my Mom grabbing my other hand tightly……..I just looked right in his eyes & said “You don’t have to tell me….she’s gone.” He of course tried to be sympathetic & said they would be sending me straight to the hospital.
Honestly at this point, I just remember getting off that table, throwing my clothes back on & being SO angry…..The staff was trying to be quiet when they would speak to my Mom…I remember snapping & telling them…I’m right here….I can hear you…..just tell us what we need to do now.
The hospital was right behind the doctor’s office…I was ready to just walk there myself…But my Mom tried calming me down & said that they were calling the hospital to get a room ready for me, I remember getting hugs from ladies that worked there, that I had known for awhile…people walking by that were just finding out, hugging my Mom & saying there apologizes…..but the whole time…I’m just ready to walk out the door……..I’m just sitting in this chair by the nurse, waiting to get what the next step is.
We are finally told that we can go ahead to the hospital, we gather my stuff, drive over to the women’s wing…get to the nurses desk & my Mom tells them who I am………and guess what……..they aren’t ready for me…so we have to sit in the nurses lounge area, while they get a room ready for me.
Ok at this point…………I’m physically & emotionally exhausted……..My Mom is trying to get in touch with my husband & as I hear her say the words, that my daughter is gone………..I LOOSE IT………not necessarily crying…but I go walking out to that nurses desk & let them have it……..That it’s a shame that I’m having to sit & wait, when I was sitting right there when the doctor called over there & told them I was on my way & that they would have everything ready as soon as I got there….it’s not there for fault..And I did apologize for my outburst….my I honestly felt as if I was going to explode…all the different emotions were building up.
I was finally put in a room & was given something to “help with my nerves”…from there things start getting a little “fuzzy” for me……I remember my husband getting there & being explained that my labor would be induced…some family showing up, the iv, the blood being taken….but honestly……..whatever meds they were giving me, was knocking me out (which was probably for the best).
We were told that I had HELLP Syndrome (which affects your liver enzymes & blood platelets); I was so swollen that you couldn’t even tell what color my eyes were. The doctor was on the phone with Vanderbilt & he told my husband that if I were to get any worse I would be lifeflighted asap to Vanderbilt as they are more familiar with HELLP Syndrome than he was. The only effective treatment is prompt delivery of the baby, regardless of the outcome.
I can remember another one of the doctors coming in from the practice & he was checking my cervix, he spoke with my husband & answered tons of questions.
He was the doctor that was there to deliver my baby girl….he was very nice & said that we could hold her for as long as we wanted, but also prepared us for what she would look like. They think that she passed away on Saturday (the day my face was so swollen) or Sunday (the day that I had an appetite & slept all night).
I know most think that if I had went to the ER on Saturday that this could have been prevented; I thought that myself for a long time….but the outcome would have been the same. Either way she would not have survived.
The only difference would have been that she wouldn’t have been stillborn, but then I would had to have watched her suffer as the doctor said there was no way she would have lived, she was just too small.
About a year later I got pregnant again. This time I went to Vanderbilt as they are very familiar with HELLP Syndrome & I was considered a high risk pregnancy. I really didn’t have any problems until around 7 months….I went for a regular appointment & my blood pressure was high, I had a little edema…I was showing the same signs again…I ended having to have a C-Section….my daughter Taylor was born 2 months premature…She weighed 3lbs 4oz and stayed in the NICU for 5 weeks.
She is now 11 years old & growing like a weed.
I am very thankful for her, but my husband & I both decided that I was just not meant to carry children.
I think of my angel a lot…mainly on the anniversary of the day she was delivered, she may have been stillborn, but I went through labor just like anyone else.
If you read this all the way to the end…….thank you
But I mainly wrote this as therapy for me…..It’s been 13 years & for some reason, today I just had to finally put my story out there.
She will forever be in my heart & thoughts…….Ashley MaryJo