7 years & 1st Pregnancy. 6 weeks and gone.
Dear Friends --
My name is Tonya and I am 28 years old. My husband and I have been together for 9 years. The last 7 of those years, he and I had taken the "if it happens it happens" approach to getting pregnant. After 7 years passing we decided to take a closer look into why we hadn't gotten pregnant. Over Christmas 2010 we were told that due to medical issues we had about a 2% chance of ever getting pregnant. I went through the grieving process of the very likely chance that I would never get pregnant and experience all the highlights of having my own child. I had been wanting my own family for years and now it seemed that this dream was in all reality never going to happen for me.
Over Easter 2011 - while in the Dr.'s office for sore tonsils - they made the discovery that I was pregnant. My husband and I were so excited. The near-impossible had happened. We had beaten the odds. We were finally, after all these years about to start our own family. I gave up caffeine. Took pre-natals. Stayed away from fish. I did it all. But then on May 10th - I began to spot. I called my OBGYN and they told me it was normal to spot during the first trimester and not to worry. Just take it easy for a few days. So I did. On May 12th, however... it was very obvious that something was wrong. I rushed to the OBGYN. They did an ultrasound. My baby was just 6 weeks old - but he/she was there. Heart rate was 133 and everything was looking good. What they did discover is I had a hematoma. They told me bed-rest for a few weeks and come back on the 31st of May to re-evaluate. I returned home and went to sleep. Two hours later - I miscarried.
It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since that awful day. In many ways - to the outside world it looks as if I am okay. I still laugh, I can go to work and do my job well, I can carry on a conversation, and can take an offering of condolences without breaking down and crying and the news that yet another co-worker is expecting or had their baby with joy rather than sorrow. It's only been 2 weeks - but it seems like I've been crying forever.
The hole in my heart that this baby I barely knew - but loved with every ounce of my being - is so overwhelming I cannot even put it into words. In some ways I am grateful that I got to see my baby - but in others it is almost a curse as it had reassured me everything was okay. And 2 hours later to have that taken away from me.... I am broken. My heart aches. Have I lost my only chance to have a family of my own blood? If I ever *could* get pregnant again - would I be joyful at the chance or absolutely terrified of this happening again that I couldn't enjoy the pregnancy?
Those of you who say that adoption is always an option. I agree. But right now - it isn't the thing to say. I'm still in the anger stage of grief it seems. Everything happens for a reason? Why would God put me through this grief twice?? Sorry! You have a 2% chance. Make other plans.... *poof!* Here you go! The greatest joy I could've given you. Now I want him/her back. How about God doesn't put anymore on your shoulders than you can handle... I think the test is rather harsh.
The realistic side of my brain still intact knows that my baby probably wasn't developing correctly and that is why it happened. I know that eventually overtime I will be able to move on and stop having to hide in the bathroom to cry everytime someone announces that they are pregnant - posts an ultrasound picture - or a commercial about babies comes on television. The shoulda, woulda, coulda will go away. The tears will eventually dry up. I will have good days and bad days - but life will go on. But until I get there I am nothing but a trainwreak once I get home. I feel empty. I no longer feel like I have a purpose. I am no earthly child's mother. I am broken.
If it wasn't for our medical issues that have lowered our chances to get pregnant to extremely low I'd be in a better state because I'd know I'd have another shot. I just don't know this. Right now if I were to get pregnant again - I'd be hysterical. It's so confusing because I've wanted this with my husband for YEARS and when you have such a small chance you should leap on it every opportunity you have. But I'm paralyzed. How on earth am I to move on?