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It got me thinking

Posted by on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:00 AM
  • 4 Replies
DH and I were talking about the whole mess with oldest stepdaughter. And these words came out of my mouth, "You don't turn your back on family". Which got me thinking, isn't that essentially what I am doing with my father? I am turning my back on him by expecting things out of him that he obviously cannot do.

So, do I pick up the phone, let him know I am disappointed, but won't turn my back on him, or do I continue along as I had intended a few days ago by sending a letter that all communication is up to him?

Now I have even more to think about in this whole messy situation. GRRRRRR.

by on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:00 AM
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Replies (1-4):
Marti123
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 11:06 AM
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You are not turning your back on your father, you are simply setting boundaries for your emotional health, and ultimately you family's emotional well-being. If I understand, you have told him he is welcome to contact you and you will take each communication at a time, evaluate how you what to proceed? Correct? How is that abandoning him?

I have Sicilian IL's that horribly damaging to me emotionally and on my marriage. It has been very hard on my DH, as it is their culture, family is family and you forgive and forget. But at some point even with family you have to examine toxic relationships.........this includes appreciating the small positive influences they have played in our lives, BUT just as important you really must protect your family from damage that occurs from their ongoing negative behavior. SO you set boundaries. It is healthy for all who are involved.
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deccaf
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 11:28 AM

Quoting Marti123:

You are not turning your back on your father, you are simply setting boundaries for your emotional health, and ultimately you family's emotional well-being. If I understand, you have told him he is welcome to contact you and you will take each communication at a time, evaluate how you what to proceed? Correct? How is that abandoning him?

I have Sicilian IL's that horribly damaging to me emotionally and on my marriage. It has been very hard on my DH, as it is their culture, family is family and you forgive and forget. But at some point even with family you have to examine toxic relationships.........this includes appreciating the small positive influences they have played in our lives, BUT just as important you really must protect your family from damage that occurs from their ongoing negative behavior. SO you set boundaries. It is healthy for all who are involved.

I have not yet sent that letter out. I am waiting for emotional clearance. I don't like doing things when I am upset.
cjsmom1
by Platinum Member on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:36 PM

I feel like it's different with your own kids. IMO the only people we owe anything to in this world is our children. They didn't ask to be born, we chose to have them.

Nighttiger
by Ashley on Apr. 11, 2013 at 10:41 PM

I am very choosy with the people I keep in my life...even family. Yes, family is blood, but that only takes you so far. My family can get away with more with me, but if they were to continually beat me down, I would cut them out as well. As humans, we tend to mimic the behaviour of people around us to try to fit in with the pack. Life is too short for me to surround myself with those who will eventually bring me down by association. With my kids, I will take them as far as I can with the resources I have, but I have my boundaries even with my kids. If I don't hold them to any standard, then who will. 

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