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Taking the skids on family vacation - longish

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 11:23 AM
  • 19 Replies

I know some of these posts probably should go in the stepmom central group, but really, they are so mean and hateful over there sometimes, I just don't want to post there anymore.

So here's the scoop: Most of you know my skid situation. SS20 in the Navy, SS19 in college living with my parents, SS17 lives with BM, SD15 lives with DH and me. DH and I also have DS8 together.

We usually take the kids on a vacation every year. Honestly, it's more of a trip than a vacation. It's not fun for me. It's really expensive (my money), it's a lot of work, and frankly I get tired of the shitty teenage attitudes.

This year we are going on a vacation that is almost identical to one we took about 6 years ago. The reason we're doing the same vacation is because DS wants to go to Disneyland, wants to go to the desert, a national part, and see dinosaur bones. Palm Springs for a few days (desert, hiking, etc), then Disneyland and the beach for a couple of days. The first time we did it, DS was so little he stayed home with my mom. It was DH, me, and the skids. All I heard was bitching from them. It's hot, how much longer are we going to be in the car, this is boring (That one was at La Brea tar pits, which we are also doing again, at DS's request).

Bottom line - I really am not in the mood to shell out all this money to take these whiny teenaged skids on vacation, ESPECIALLY since they can't be bothered to help out around the house at all. Now, I know ss19 and ss20 don't live there, but when they were home at Christmas they did NOTHING. Not even clean up their own messes. They made comments to SD such as "I'm not doing any dishes. This is my vacation. You can do them." I have been asking for 2 1/2 weeks for SD to clean her bathroom and it still isn't done. No one shovels snow. No one puts away their clean laundry, let alone does any of the washing or drying or folding. It just sits in the laundry room waiting to be worn.

I have explained my feelings to DH, and he does not disagree with how I feel or why I feel that way. I gave him specific examples, etc......But, we are at an impasse as to how to proceed.

Is it bad of me to think that way? Any ideas? Thanks.

 

by on Feb. 12, 2014 at 11:23 AM
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Replies (1-10):
deccaf
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 11:28 AM

You are not a bad SM for thinking this.  Here is what I would ( and have) done.  I have 2 SDs, 27 and 22.  After you are out of the house, you are responsible for your own life, including vacations.  If they want to come, and make it a positive family experience, I would allow it, but make sure they know that you will not take them again if they make this a miserable experience for ANYONE else, including you.  As for the attitude when they return home on vacation, they are adults.  If they cannot take care of themselves and their mess, see ya!  You are out!

Marti123
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 1:12 PM
So do I understand?? You want to go with DS,DH to Palm Springs & Disneyland. You do not want to take Step-tribe and historically they don't want to go anyway?

But you feel guilty thinking you should include them because they are your children too?
Marti123
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 1:13 PM
what should she do with the 17 & 15 yo until they are grown?

Quoting deccaf:

You are not a bad SM for thinking this.  Here is what I would ( and have) done.  I have 2 SDs, 27 and 22.  After you are out of the house, you are responsible for your own life, including vacations.  If they want to come, and make it a positive family experience, I would allow it, but make sure they know that you will not take them again if they make this a miserable experience for ANYONE else, including you.  As for the attitude when they return home on vacation, they are adults.  If they cannot take care of themselves and their mess, see ya!  You are out!

adamsmom0116
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 1:23 PM

 That's pretty much it. I feel like a really bad person telling DH that I don't want his kids going on the family vacation.

Quoting Marti123: So do I understand?? You want to go with DS,DH to Palm Springs & Disneyland. You do not want to take Step-tribe and historically they don't want to go anyway?

But you feel guilty thinking you should include them because they are your children too?

 

adamsmom0116
by Gold Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 1:27 PM

The skids come over to see DH, not me. When there, I cook for them if I am cooking anyway. But, they are DH's responsibility - laundry, taxi service, chores, homework, etc. If I want them to do something, I tell DH and he tells them. For example - the bathroom. I tell DH that the bathroom needs cleaned (because, you know, he's a guy and they can't tell these things on their own I guess!). He then tells SD to clean the bathroom. But, SD apparently hasn't felt like cleaning it because 2 weeks later it still hasn't been cleaned. I bring it up to DH every couple of days....still not cleaned.

On the one hand, it is nice not feeling responsible for them - orthodontic appts, etc. But on the other - I feel like DS and I lead a parallel life to DH and his kids. I don't know anything that's going on with them (practice schedules, etc) and I feel very detached from my own life.

I feel like I am the one who needs a vacation - not them!

Quoting Marti123: what should she do with the 17 & 15 yo until they are grown?

Quoting deccaf:

You are not a bad SM for thinking this.  Here is what I would ( and have) done.  I have 2 SDs, 27 and 22.  After you are out of the house, you are responsible for your own life, including vacations.  If they want to come, and make it a positive family experience, I would allow it, but make sure they know that you will not take them again if they make this a miserable experience for ANYONE else, including you.  As for the attitude when they return home on vacation, they are adults.  If they cannot take care of themselves and their mess, see ya!  You are out!

 

Marti123
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 2:50 PM

I don't envy your situation, it's a sticky predicament to be in..........

But if I found myself in that situation, I know I would not be dragging around moody teens on a "family vacation." I would literally view this no different than taking a couple's vacation. You are bringing "the baby" but utlimately this is for your R & R. DH can tell them as such, that this year, there is no "family vacation" only some time away for you and him, and it just so happens your DS is coming along too. End of story, imo. Nothing to feel bad about.

Quoting adamsmom0116:

 That's pretty much it. I feel like a really bad person telling DH that I don't want his kids going on the family vacation.

Quoting Marti123: So do I understand?? You want to go with DS,DH to Palm Springs & Disneyland. You do not want to take Step-tribe and historically they don't want to go anyway?

But you feel guilty thinking you should include them because they are your children too?



calsmom62
by Silver Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 6:31 PM
1 mom liked this
I think you and dh and ds need your own vacation. as a compromise if the skids put up a stink. then have a shorter trip to a nearby destination offered up for the whole gang to go to but scale it down. like rent a campground cabin for a few days at a place that has a beach and maybe kayaks and mtn biking if they have bikes
cjsmom1
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 9:32 PM

Ask them if they want to go. Most, if not all of them, will probably say no so you won't have to feel guilty for not bringing them. It's not fun to want a nice family vacation and have them behave that way.

deccaf
by Platinum Member on Feb. 12, 2014 at 11:15 PM
Give them the option of going, but not force it.

Quoting Marti123: what should she do with the 17 & 15 yo until they are grown?



Quoting deccaf:

You are not a bad SM for thinking this.  Here is what I would ( and have) done.  I have 2 SDs, 27 and 22.  After you are out of the house, you are responsible for your own life, including vacations.  If they want to come, and make it a positive family experience, I would allow it, but make sure they know that you will not take them again if they make this a miserable experience for ANYONE else, including you.  As for the attitude when they return home on vacation, they are adults.  If they cannot take care of themselves and their mess, see ya!  You are out!

adamsmom0116
by Gold Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 8:37 AM

 Does it make a difference if DH and I are taking a "grown up vacation" next week and will be gone for 8 days?

Quoting Marti123:

I don't envy your situation, it's a sticky predicament to be in..........

But if I found myself in that situation, I know I would not be dragging around moody teens on a "family vacation." I would literally view this no different than taking a couple's vacation. You are bringing "the baby" but utlimately this is for your R & R. DH can tell them as such, that this year, there is no "family vacation" only some time away for you and him, and it just so happens your DS is coming along too. End of story, imo. Nothing to feel bad about.

Quoting adamsmom0116:

 That's pretty much it. I feel like a really bad person telling DH that I don't want his kids going on the family vacation.

Quoting Marti123: So do I understand?? You want to go with DS,DH to Palm Springs & Disneyland. You do not want to take Step-tribe and historically they don't want to go anyway?

But you feel guilty thinking you should include them because they are your children too?

 

 

 

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