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interesting article about marriage

Posted by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 5:11 PM
  • 4 Replies

I don't usually post this stuff, but I found this article interesting. I don't agree with it 100% because I believe there are exceptions to everything, and that is even stated in the article. But - overall - I found it very thought-provoking.

What are your thoughts?

http://familyshare.com/marriage/the-number-one-cause-of-divorce

I'm convinced the number one cause of divorce is not adultery, financial problems, or irreconcilable difference. Those are most often symptoms of a deeper problem.

While these problems might be real, I believe there is a bigger issue.

The most common issue I see with couples who are struggling in marriage is a lack of intentional investment in their marriage.

While it's a fair debate of which comes first — did someone lose interest so they lost intention or did someone lose intention so they lost interest — either way there is a key idea:

  • We can influence our feelings by intentionally investing in our marriage

    As I've written before, our affections often grow toward our investments. Wherever we put our time, money and energy also ends up receiving our passion, interest and affection.

    Think about what this means for a marriage: you will generally feel for your spouse to the extent in which you invest in your spouse.

    Your feelings are often far less about them and far more about what effort you have put into your marriage.

    Obviously there are exceptions. Some people have made bad choices in who they married or the spouse has made a bad choice in who they have become, but most of the time, we love our spouse to the extent that we invest in our spouse. (See: Marry a Partner, Not a Child)

    Consider what this means: if your feelings of love are waning, they can be recovered. With some effort, intention and energy, love can grow.

    Every week I interact with marriages which are suffering. I am often like a triage nurse who observes the couple, makes an initial determination of the seriousness of their illness, and then gets them with the right specialist so the expert can assist them with the issue. As the couple leaves our initial interaction, I almost always give them the same assignment: on the way home, retell the stories of your first date, how you fell in love, what first attracted you to the other, what you love the most about each other and what your dreams are of a future together. (See: Change Your Marriage Today)

    This assignment serves the purpose of unearthing long-buried feelings and memories. Just by recounting the stories, a couple is more likely to feel love for their spouse.

    With a little intention, our emotions can drastically change.

    Here are five things we can do every day which will reconnect us with our spouse:

  • 1. Pray about the specifics of your spouse's day

    Not only will this remind you of the work of God in your life, it will also require you to know the specifics of your spouse's day and will make you wonder how their day turned out.

  • 2. Always kiss goodbye and hello

    This is a physical and emotional connection which serves as a reminder of the union between a husband and wife. Make it such a habit that even if you kiss, leave and return, you kiss again.

  • 3. Call, text or email at least once a day to check-in

    You can update one another on how the day is going. You can discuss any needs for the evening and make sure everyone is on the same page regarding the schedule for the night.

  • 4. Have at least 5 minutes of uninterrupted conversation

    Whether it be first thing in the morning or the last thing at night, relationships demand conversation. Turn off the television, put down the phone and talk. This might be more difficult with young children, but find a way to make it happen. Remember, if you were having an affair you find the time to engage in that affair no matter how busy you are, so make the time for your spouse.

  • 5. Hug for at least 30 seconds

    Before you leave for work or after you come home or as you go to bed, have an extended physical embrace which reminds your body, soul and mind of your deep connection with this other person. Studies have shown that hugging reduces blood-pressure, but it also connects you with the person you hug. Physical touch must be more than just sex. By truly embracing every day, each partner will feel more valued and loved.

    If your marriage requires anything, it requires intention. To the extent that both spouses are intentional about keeping the marriage healthy, the marriage will thrive. Apathy will slowly erode a marriage, but intention will cause it to continually grow.

  • by on Jan. 14, 2015 at 5:11 PM
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    Replies (1-4):
    Marti123
    by Platinum Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 9:48 PM
    1 mom liked this
    i recently listened (I know such a geek with the self help book section, lol, you'll be glad to know I have moved on to listen to patho physiology podcasts) the book "7 essentials for making marriage work." The author states he studied married couples for many years to come up with these 7 principles and this list does cover one or two of them. I think these are a good way to keep marriage strong and would recommend them, but fixing a disgruntled marriage would reall take more effort. My DH do these pretty much everyday, except we pray for our whole family unit with the DSs.

    And I totally agree, 9o% of marriages are in brutal shape & falling apart Long before an affair starts. So I do feel the author is correct when he states that is not what ends marriage. I also concur marriage takes time and investment. It also takes patience.

    I'm not sure about the "your feelings are about your investment not your spouse." Kind of comment. I guess I see where he is coming from, nit sure I agree.
    MindPalace
    by Bronze Member on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:38 PM
    I have a really great marriage. We are really tune with each other, and a lot of that comes from the vulnerability and collaboration developed during major life struggles. I tend to agree with what this article says. A lot of what making marriage work is about is knowing the expectations and needs of each other and respecting/prioritizing those values.

    I think rose colored glasses convince many in the early stages of a relationship to overlook the mismatched expectations, and then the emotional dependency keeps them there.

    It really surprises me to hear how some speak about their spouse. The lack of empathy and support is not something I've ever thought healthy.
    M4LG5
    by Valeri on Jan. 14, 2015 at 10:55 PM
    Unfortunately...that is my husband. I don't feel i matter unless what I do has to do with the house or kids or its something he wants

    Quoting MindPalace: I have a really great marriage. We are really tune with each other, and a lot of that comes from the vulnerability and collaboration developed during major life struggles. I tend to agree with what this article says. A lot of what making marriage work is about is knowing the expectations and needs of each other and respecting/prioritizing those values.

    I think rose colored glasses convince many in the early stages of a relationship to overlook the mismatched expectations, and then the emotional dependency keeps them there.

    It really surprises me to hear how some speak about their spouse. The lack of empathy and support is not something I've ever thought healthy.
    ljmom24
    by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2015 at 6:31 AM

    My dad cheated on my mom. They have been separated now for years but still legally married and we still do holidays and vacations with both. It's not always smooth but that's probably the case in most marriages. I see their married for over 30 year friends bicker. My mom stayed for a year and I stayed with my dad when she finally moved out. People don't get it but after years of therapy my mom knows her place in the marriage falling apart. Long before he cheated they were on separate paths. He is social she wasn't into fancy parties. He was also missing this connection to his roots and the woman he had the affair with was from his parents old neighborhood. My mom started working dad didn't like that much. She wasn't home at night because she worked. She started having friends separate from mural friends. And then she had a brother she never knew come into her life. It was a huge change in the marriage and neither one handled it well. My mom holds the upper hand because of his cheating and while through the years shed think of it she never used it mainly because she knows she holds some blame. Yes some men are just pigs but not all and woman cheat too and usually you are looking for something missing at home. My sister who has been cheated on has a different view but like my mom she shuts people out. Maybe I'd feel different if I had w different experience who knows but I never jump to poor jilted spouse. My friends spouse cheated just after his mental breakdown. Took her s while to get it's not about her but was about him. The trust level is still shaky but 5 years later and individual and couples therapy they survived.

    dh and I were together during my parents issue. In fact we got engaged 2 days before my mom moved out. He knows I won't tolerate lying. If my dad had just spoke up about how he was feeling or even came clean himself but the worse part he broke it off she got mad called me not my mom because she knew it would hurt him more. This was the day after I graduated college. He knows no matter how bad just tell me I will be madder if I hear it someplace else. 

    Now I will admit I am the unempathic one. Dh is a typical guy. Gets a cold and it can't be just a cold no it's pnmonia or sinus infection or Ebola. Dude once thought he had west Nile, his dr laughed. Last month he hurt his foot. I was tired and stressed and he so called me on not caring. Jokes on me 3 days later I was at dentist fir an emergency root canal which lead to pulling my back after spendng 3 hours in a dentist chair. He has been so awesome and I feel like a bigger b'tch.

    personally I think people give up too soon. Marriage is work. We have our ups and downs but we always joke it's cheaper to keep the other so we muddle through. We have had major fights each walked out at times but that's life. Aside from my b'tchy December we have been on an up so I know eventually it's coming down some so treasuring the up right now.


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