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DD's birth dad wants to see her

Posted by on Nov. 23, 2017 at 11:22 AM
  • 4 Replies
My oldest daughter's biological father hasn't been in her life. I found out he was doing meth when I was 5 months pregnant and then it got worse. I broke up when she was and about 6 months and it was a rollercoaster until she was 2 when i finally got full custody and a restraining order. He had supervised visitstion but didn't act on it until she was 5.5 years old. For a year, he saw her every 2 months for a total of 7 hours. Since then....no visits, no calls, no letters.

She is now 14. Over the years, I have talked to her about him and what happened but age appropriate. This year, I told her everything....more in depth about his addiction and how it impacted us, as well as his personality. I told her that I think she would like him because his personality is a lot like hers but I also hope she remembers his choices. She wants to meet him some day but she doesn't want to call him. She has said "I don't feel like he is my dad...just someone that used to be." My ex husband has been her dad since she was 3.

Well, his mom....of course he can't seem to call me on his own....asked if she can come over December 30th to celebrate a late Christmas with them.

I am going to ask my daughter and I'm sure she is going to say yes but I do want some conditions:

1. HE requests it. He needs to call and talk to me.

2. It's only him and the immediate family (they have a large extended family and they think everyone's business is theirs so I don't want her to feel uncomfortable).

3. Though he is clean (supposedly), she doesn't go anywhere with only him

4. She does not sleep overnight.

5. He meets with me and her first (maybe in the morning) before going to the family's home.

Is there anything else I should add? Or not have?
by on Nov. 23, 2017 at 11:22 AM
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Replies (1-4):
ljmom24
by Silver Member on Nov. 23, 2017 at 8:12 PM
First off if he’s truly clean he is going to understand that trust needs to be rebuilt. If there is resistance, it might raise flags for me. I’ve known a lot of addicts and drunks and usually if they are really serious about cleaning ok the act they get it’s not that easy. I’ve gone with friends to meetings and this is common theme. Making amends and having loved ones trust them again.

I’m also wondering why was it mom that asked? Again a flag and maybe it’s that he didn’t know how it would be reacted to.

I might prefer to drop her off but come inside and avd survey the situation. Make sure it’s clear she has an out whenever she wants.

Maybe too set a time frame so there is a set time she will dropped off/picked up. Might help her too with any anxiety knowing it’s a set time,

Make it clear too to him and his family it’s not about you keeping her from them but rebuilding trust for her best interest.
M4LG5
by Valeri on Nov. 23, 2017 at 9:59 PM
Yeah.....I'm going to explain that she isn't going to be running up and all happy to see him. She basically doesn't know who he is.

He is the type of person that doesn't like things that are hard or challenging or anything he has to work for and his parents give in to their kids. They've had one of their sons living with them this entire time....he is in his 30s. They try to do things for him but I did reply that he needed to make the request.

I agree that any pushback is a red flag. I'll be somewhat flexible but onky within my boundaries.


Quoting ljmom24: First off if he’s truly clean he is going to understand that trust needs to be rebuilt. If there is resistance, it might raise flags for me. I’ve known a lot of addicts and drunks and usually if they are really serious about cleaning ok the act they get it’s not that easy. I’ve gone with friends to meetings and this is common theme. Making amends and having loved ones trust them again.

I’m also wondering why was it mom that asked? Again a flag and maybe it’s that he didn’t know how it would be reacted to.

I might prefer to drop her off but come inside and avd survey the situation. Make sure it’s clear she has an out whenever she wants.

Maybe too set a time frame so there is a set time she will dropped off/picked up. Might help her too with any anxiety knowing it’s a set time,

Make it clear too to him and his family it’s not about you keeping her from them but rebuilding trust for her best interest.
midjet117
by Member on Nov. 24, 2017 at 11:02 AM
1 mom liked this

I understand your concerns and trust issues with the man, but I think it's important that she gets to know both sides of her extended family as well meaning aunts uncles and grand parents. What would be wrong if it really is the father's mother who actually wants to spend time with her grand daughter? not criticizing, just curious.

M4LG5
by Valeri on Nov. 24, 2017 at 12:10 PM
1 mom liked this
I've always allowed them to be part of her life. We invite them to her tournaments and they have freedom to call. Her relationship with his family has been there.....he has not. He hasn't called or done anything to see her. If she called for her and her family (not him), it would be fine.

I'm 100% confident she is calling because it's easier for him.


Quoting midjet117:

I understand your concerns and trust issues with the man, but I think it's important that she gets to know both sides of her extended family as well meaning aunts uncles and grand parents. What would be wrong if it really is the father's mother who actually wants to spend time with her grand daughter? not criticizing, just curious.

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