New and stressed, worried, convinced I'm a terrible mother...well, you know
I'm Emily, I'm 31, married and have a 2 1/2 year old daughter. Before I criticize her let me say that my little girl is the light of my life; loving, whip smart, creative, and sooo funny. But God how I worry about her. Not an hour goes by that I don't think "Oh God, I'm doing this all wrong!" I've read all the books and I swear it's like she's not in there.
Okay, firstly, my daughter is frighteningly verbal. I mean, her doctor, teachers, play therapist were all blown out of the water. She calls things tremendous, adorabole, precious, and beautiful. But with her wonderful vocabulary comes a dark side. She has some nasty cut downs that just break my heart. I don't react, but ouch! "You aren't my mommy. I don't like you and you're very bad to me." Totally normal, I know, just so young!
Anyway, the concerns I have are with discipline. Sometimes I make the mistake of trying to explain punishment to her, thinking that with her word usage, she'll understand. I fail to realize that her emotional and social development aren't on par with her intellect. I speak to her in a stern voice and she takes it as yelling. "Mommy, please don't yell. I'm sorry. I really love you..." Almost crying remembering her say that. play
My husband says my voice gets louder when I'm making a point. I don't notice it, but she sees it as yelling and is actually apologizing for things she didn't do so I'll stop. I have a nervous temprement compared to my husband. I have trouble sleeping, I'm impatient, I get anxiety attacks. Thank God that doesn't appear to be her temprement, but I have to work soo hard to be patient.
She has some sensory issues, one of which is auditory. Her hearing is sensitive and she thinks I'm yelling at her all the time. She knows I love her; we're joined at the hip, but I'm sooo scared I'm going to do something so wrong she'll be damaged for life.
She's my first and only child. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, and though its well controlled, life happens. Between keeping my own moods stable and trying not to worry that I've passed it on to her, I get really overwhelmed. She was hitting, kicking, and biting early in the school year. I was convinced it was all my fault. I took her to OT, play therapy, a developental pediatrician, and she's basically grown out of it. God, I'm just afraid this guilt is what I have to look forward to her whole life. I have another issue that's driving me crazy, but I think I'll make a seperate post. Sorry and thank you for letting me join and actually talk. I don't have a lot of mom friends.