"Pregnancy Depression" or just a harder pregnancy? :/ What's wrong with me?
I am currently 35 weeks pregnant. Due with another sweet girl! Winslet Grace.
My first DD, I wasn't married, but very in love with her daddy. Her pregnancy was just so simple! No symptoms. Loved my body. No stress, despite no degree, job, or experience being an adult. Perhaps I was blinded by love and excitement. :)
2 weeks after her birth I married her daddy, and life got REAL. Real quick. As it does when you marry and become a mommy. However, despite that, once DD hit about 1, we began discussing the thought of another. We liked the age gap. DD only took about 2 weeks to make, so I figured it wouldn't take too terribly long. Well about 4 months later, I was due with a baby! ...and this pregnancy has been the polar opposite of DD #1. I threw up from day 1. I was overly exhausted from day. By the 2nd trimester I had pelvic legament pain when I walked and slept. That has only gotten severely worse. Sleeping it near impossible. Morning sicking stopped at 26 weeks, but has come back full force, as well as being tired and INSANE acid reflux. But emotionally....this is a whole new ball game.
About 2 months ago I started realizing how "sad" I was. I just couldn't believe it. Here I was with a lovely little household, and adding a baby...and I was more stressed and upset than that I had been when I had nothing and a baby on the way. What gives? My DH and friends assured me it was just hormones and part of life. Things are much more real now. I no longer wait for things to sort themselves out, but worry instead. I have bills. A household to manage. A TODDLER, and an 8 yr step son.
But here I am 2 months later and I feel worse. I cry constantly. I hate my body. I hate the way I look, mainly because it's as if my husband has no idea how to give a dang compliment! I beg for them! BEG FOR THEM and they are no where to be found. Asking him to take the trash out is like asking him to build a pyramid. He doesn't understand that when I say my VAGINA hurts, I don't want a sarcastic look or response. Pelvic pain is NO joke. It HURTS. He just doesn't GET it. I NEED to feel pretty and I DON'T. I don't want my self confidence to come from me. I want to HEAR it from HIM. It makes me think he doesn't like me anymore, or like how I look. Which makes his normal little jokes seem far worse, or convinces me he'll cheat any moment b.c no one else is huge and pregnant. It's taking over my brain!
My children are driving me insane, and it's not their faults. She's 2, so I expect her to act certain ways. He's 8, and he's a little boy. ...but I can't HANDLE it. I cry over everything. EVERYTHING. Spilled drinks, random looks. Having to GET UP after I have finally sat. EVERYTHING. If I think a hug wasn't "meaningful" lol. It's crazy!
But it's begginning to wear on my happy thoughts of having 3 babies. What if I can't handle 3 babies? What if I can't give this newborn the love she needs b.c I"m stressed adn upset which will effect my mood and breastfeeding? What if no one helps me? I live 2 hours from any family help. DH is all I have. I am beggining to wonder if this is signs of Depression. Which I have never fully accepted that I could ever have. ...but being this upset and feeling "defeated" constantly makes me wonder what coudl be wrong. Could it just be a harder pregrancy with more emotions and hormones running rampant? Or could I actually be sad?