Just funnies

1~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Todays Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

Actual Answers Given By contestants on "The Family Feud" Game Show

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Something with a hole in it – Window

2~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Todays Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap? "Why sure you can," her grandfather replied. As she is sitting on grand dad's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?" "A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog." The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please please make a sound like a frog?" Perplexed, her grand dad says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?" And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're going to Florida!"

3~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Todays Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"

"I see thousands of stars."

"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.

"I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?"

"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

4~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Today’s Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was, ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.

Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."

5~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Today’s Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied: "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath.... Doctor, I'm scared!"

The Doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said: "Mr. Jones, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when do you notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was: "Well... three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

6~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Today’s Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.

"Tyson," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that language in here again."

After a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, "At least he doesn't know what it means."

"I do, too," Tyson corrected. "It means the car won't start"

7~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Todays Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

8~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Today’s Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: "Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife put down her drink and said..."Let the old fart dig. I had him buried upside down."

9~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Todays Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple had a parlor in which they kept a couple of food bins. One of those bins contained apples, and the other bin contained nuts.

They were having quite a bit of trouble with mice, so one evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps, one by the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts.

During the night they heard a trap snap. The old gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse.

On returning to bed his wife asked, "Well did we catch him by the apples?"

The old gentleman replied, "Nope, try again."

0~~~~~~~~~~~~ ** Today’s Joke ** ~~~~~~~~~~~

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Nancy, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.

The boss pressed on, "Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"

Nancy simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, ...."My lawyer."