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Is t just me, or are there others whom have noticed....

Posted by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:48 AM
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Ladies,, sister, friends, and spectators,  Is it just me, or have you all noticed that in the past week or so, our "Birth Moms", forum has grown rapidly?  I think , I was watching the "counter", if you will, and saw at least , nearly 20 "new' members,in the past week or so,  WHY?  After seeing, hearing, and knowing our pain, our journey, our experiences of what we live?  Also, I am curious, is it just me, (because I am a chosen secluded farmers wife, whom just loves living her life quietly on a farm, and having the solitude of nature), but have we recently been given the opportunity to meet some new members, whom, truly, come accross, in a way that their story they have given, doesn't 'mesh', for lack of a better term, with one whom is considering relinquishing, and or is void of ANY true concerns, with helping others whom truly come here to learn, and listen, but more importantly HEAR, our pain?  I know we are all here to give advice, opinions, offer support, but seems to me that no matter what we are offering, some are not listening, and almost seems like some are here to get "a reaction" from us!  Just my take, and maybe I am not being fair...however, I do know, I can count on all you to straighten me out;)  Just needed some opinions, I get frustrated, when no matter what some new members are told, it doesn't seem to be what they are looking to hear, or find!  Okay, I am done ranting for the day, gotta go hit the fields, 620 acres left to go...WAHOO!  Love and hugs, along with BLESSINGS, C.J.

CEEJAY1

by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 11:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Southernroots
by Group Admin on Nov. 12, 2009 at 1:07 PM


Quoting ceejay1:

Ladies,, sister, friends, and spectators,  Is it just me, or have you all noticed that in the past week or so, our "Birth Moms", forum has grown rapidly?  I think , I was watching the "counter", if you will, and saw at least , nearly 20 "new' members,in the past week or so,  WHY?  ....... I know we are all here to give advice, opinions, offer support, but seems to me that no matter what we are offering, some are not listening, and almost seems like some are here to get "a reaction" from us! ..... Just needed some opinions, I get frustrated, when no matter what some new members are told, it doesn't seem to be what they are looking to hear, or find!  Okay, I am done ranting for the day, gotta go hit the fields, 620 acres left to go...WAHOO!  Love and hugs, along with BLESSINGS, C.J.

Haven't been paying attention to the numbers, but, I have seen some new posters lately.  Some seem to have similar opinions to most of us, others do not. The way I see it, we will never be able to be what EVERYONE is looking for in the way of support.  Plus, we have amoms who pop up from time to time, some who are great, others who post comments I believe are inappropriate within this group.

Some expectant moms come here looking for us to tell them that adoption can work out well. They want reassurances thinking that since WE did it, we must think it is okay to relinquish. For many of us, the reaility was so different from what we expected that in all good conscience many or us cannot encourage others to follow in our footsteps.

When they do not hear what they want, they often do dismiss us and go elsewhere. That's okay though....we try, but we cannot save everyone. And, for some few moms, maybe relinquishment IS the right course of action for them. All we can do is try.

Lastly, some uber positive birth moms who come here are either genuinely satisfied with their adoptions OR are still in denial. They think the rest of us are just bitter and angry people and dismiss us. If you notice, the most positive birth moms are usually those in fully open adoptions with frequent visits. On the other hand, I know a few birth moms with the most ideal adoptions possible who still are in favor of reforms because they know our current system is broken and wrong.

 

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Nov. 12, 2009 at 1:17 PM

I have heard Nancy Verrier, therapist and author of "The Primal Wound", say she has counselled expectant women on the realities of relinquishing, only to have them come back for grief therapy years later. She says it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

If she can't convince them, what chance do we have?

http://www.nancyverrier.com/

snowwillow
by Member on Nov. 12, 2009 at 2:05 PM

I've been thinking the same thing and when I became a member there were 967 members, it saddens me in a way that our number is growing.

emerald_rain
by Member on Nov. 12, 2009 at 5:08 PM

I don't know about all the other members here. I can only speak for myself. Back in 2000 when I was pregnant with my son I contacted 2 adoption agencies. One was more than willing to take my son and tell me how great adoption was, that I would be able to move on etc. One was painfully honest with me about how much it would hurt and tried to get me to make a parenting plan instead of giving me profiles. Guess which one I placed my son through. Yup the one who said I'd move on. It was what I needed/wanted to hear. Adoption is so drilled into our minds from everywhere around us as a great option that it's nearly impossible to convince an expectant mom otherwise. Sadly many moms will walk down the same path as us and there will not be a darn thing we can do to stop it. If you speak out to 1000 moms you might be lucky enough to save 1 from relinquishing. crying




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Southernroots
by Group Admin on Nov. 12, 2009 at 5:28 PM


Quoting emerald_rain:

It was what I needed/wanted to hear. Adoption is so drilled into our minds from everywhere around us as a great option that it's nearly impossible to convince an expectant mom otherwise. Sadly many moms will walk down the same path as us and there will not be a darn thing we can do to stop it. If you speak out to 1000 moms you might be lucky enough to save 1 from relinquishing. crying

The fact that being in denial and only hearing what you want/need to hear is a huge barrier in counseling expectant moms considering adoption. One of the reasons I am so thoroughly convinced about being in denial was that I was such a pro at it.

I know that I have not counseled 1000 moms....yet, but I know that I have been able to be a part of helping save several moms from relinquishing.  If placing her baby is really something a mom WANTS to do.....which is sometimes the case, we may not be able to do much. It's the moms who want to parent, but are afraid to do so that I aim to reach. Some moms just need one person to encourage them.

One or two of the expectant moms that I helped encourage to parent, were annoyed at me in the beginning. But, once they understood that I did not want to tell them what to do or judge them, only educate them about the perils and negative consequences, they thanked me. However, if a mom is throughly entrenched in denial and you cannot break through to her, she will probably go ahead and relinquish.

None of us wanted to be told that what we were about to do was wrong, would hurt us and our children and might cause lifelongdamage. We wanted reassurances that everything would work out fine. Facing the truth is hard, really hard.

stillamom1213
by on Nov. 12, 2009 at 8:56 PM

C.J. ... I have been thinking the same thing myself. I hadn't noticed the numbers, but the stories just didn't ring quite true. Sorry if seem a bit of a skeptic, just a feeling .....and then when I've read some of the things in Q&A......

confused

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Nov. 12, 2009 at 9:15 PM

I was one of those young women on that slow motion train wreck. I was told nothing about the regret, and pain I would have, but I wanted to hear it would be all right. I would have avoided a site like this. I was too busy being deep in my denial.

I'm pretty sure you're right Cee-jay. Some don't want to listen, unless the answer is the" right one".

Please listen, I HURT TERRIBLY for my son and me! I REGRET the decision I made!

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Nov. 13, 2009 at 1:12 AM


Quoting emerald_rain:

 crying


It's why I consider it my duty to speak out, no matter how often I'd told I'm wrong to do so.

I was so desperate for an answer to my "problem" that I wonder if I would have listened anyway. But, I'm certain that the more of us that do speak out, the more we whittle away at the myth. Maybe one day, Society and women in crisis pregnancy will believe that giving your child away when it's not absolutely the last possibility, when every other option has been exhausted, we will have done our job and be able to rest.

simple frown

ashleigh139
by Member on Nov. 13, 2009 at 9:47 AM

I completely agree with SouthernRoots. I do have a very open adoption, so I am OK with things, even though I am more in my anger stage of grief. While I am more pro-adoption then anti-adoption, I still do not recommend adoption to girls with ''crisis'' pregnancies unless there really is no way they can raise the child themselves. Even though I have a great situation (as good as it gets when it comes to not having your child), I realize that my situation is FAR from normal, and that adoption truely does need to be reformed. Also, I do not see any of you as angry and bitter. You all are COMPLETELY justified in your feelings.


Ashleigh

doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Nov. 15, 2009 at 12:16 AM

 CJ, I can solve a little of the "growing counter" mystery perhaps. (CJ, I laughed at this because I'm a counter watcher in my groups as well, lol!) While I have heard of the birth mom's group being referred to in the Q&A section, I (as an a-mom) have assumed that it was a group for ONLY birth mom's, and thus never looked at it. I also didn't know that it was a public group, and was quite surprised that there wasn't a question asking why I wanted to be in a private group for birth mom's.

But today after the "Is it fair" Anon invited me to look into the birthmom's group so that I could see how terrible "my heroes" truly are in the "group" versus the Q&A section, that my faith in you all might vanish. So.....I took a deep breath and prepared myself for the "true colors" of those that I have befriended (CJ, SR, drfink, OTT, etc) to be shown here. I thought that perhaps (although I had hoped not) that I would find that maybe you were all "reserved" in the Q&A section, but here totally bashing AP's, PAP's, and adoption in general, but yet (to my delight) I am even more proud of all of you for the way that you have handled yourselves. I have even seen an a-mom who admitted to saying whatever to get her children and who closed 2 adoptions defended (by SR twice-read all 50 replies) as being courageous and honest NOW about what she did. Southernroots on TWO (2) occasions said that she appreciated what this mother had said. (I personally did a double-take, but as SR said, the group owner welcomes ALL triad members and we're here to learn from each other.)

I have been sitting here reading several of the posts for 2 hours, including the ones by sheppy (which seems to be the topic of the "Is it fair" post) and all I can see is women who have experienced different sides of adoption (BSE, CA, OA) just telling their stories. I cannot fault anyone who shares their own story. I am glad that this group exists so that expectant women can get honest answers and opinions from those who have travelled the same road that she is on, so that she might know where the road will lead.  

Maybe I am blind, but I also don't see anyone telling anyone NOT to place or to place, but when a wise expectant mother asks how you FEEL about your OA/CA, how can you not answer? When she asks for opinions on specific PAP's, she's asking for another set of "eyes", to see what she isn't seeing. She is gathering information in order to determine the future of her child.

Is it fair? Yes, it's fair. This e-mom is giving birth to her 2nd child. She's not the only expectant woman considering adoption on the planet. She owes no one anything, except the very best to her children. God bless her and God bless you all for sharing your stories!

Now, if only CJ could get that plowing done.....you are more of a woman than I am, CJ! :)

 

 

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