So I kinda just want to get some stuff off my chest.
Sometimes it's very hard to deal with life.
To deal with being alone.
To deal with the emptyness I've been left with.
I hate talking about it, I feel like everyones tired of hearing about it so I keep it to myself. Yeah it'll be two years in 5 days...but it doesn't feel like it. It's flown by so fast, an as cliche as it sounds it feels like only yesterday I had my baby in my arms.
I don't know my purpose in life...not anymore. Everyone I know lives for their child/ren and I just don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself. I always wanted to be a mommy, ever since I was young. It's so hard because I feel like I'm not a mom. And I know everyone will tell me yeah your a mom dont say that but it doesn't make a difference. Im just the lady who gave birth to him.
I miss him so much. I feel like I just made up that whole part of my life. Me getting pregnant, the whole pregnancy then the precious few days I got to spend with him.
I'm supposed to be over it right? And nobody knows what to say to me about it. Hell I don't even know what I would say to me. I just bottle it all up and bury it deep within me.
I should take comfort in the fact that he is doing so well with his new parents and new life. I do take comfort in it but it doesn't help how lonely and sad I am with him not being here, apart of my heart and being is missing.
I've detached myself from any emotion I feel. I kind of fake it, for the most part I dont let myself feel hardly anything.
I changed so much in doing so. I'm just now starting to get back to myself. But I'll never be the same.
These thoughts I have expressed here are just the tip of the iceberg of emotions and hurt that I don't deal with and keep to myself. It feels good to let a little out but I don't like to be vounerable.
At least I know you ladies understand exactly what I mean.
Happy early birthday my wonderful beautiful son! You only make 2 once! Love you more then anything in this world. I hope you will love me too...I hope you will at least like me.
Summer_0829, I am going to reply even though I haven't placed a child and pray that my words don't bring you more pain or offend you. I'm hoping that others (who have placed) will reply as the day gets going, but I wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
The feelings of having "no purpose" and "where do I go from here?" are NORMAL (I have heard MANY women who have placed a child say this.....) and while burying your feelings deep inside you may be a form of coping and protecting yourself for now, I'd encourage you to find a counselor who is well-versed in the area of adoption to help you grieve your loss.
While it's "wunnerful" to know that your son is being well taken care of with his adoptive parents, that simply can't erase the pain in your heart, the loss in your arms, the death of a dream.....the dream of being HIS Mommy. Not just ANY Mommy, but a Mommy to HIM. In trying to keep an "emotional distance" you are numbing yourself to the pain instead of feeling the pain, because the pain is so great.
How I wish that the pain could be taken from you. I don't even know you, but yet wish that I could come "thru" this computer to hug you and tell you that everything will be OK. I'm so sorry for your loss and wish your son a Happy 2nd Birthday (early). Hugs to you!
Hugs to you!!!! You are not alone in your feelings!!!! I too was not allowed to express my feelings and my family told me I needed to get over giving up my baby girl up and move on!!! You never do you just bury your feelings deep inside!!! It does seem to fly by I received a letter from her last March and I was like it felt like just yesterday I had you in my arms and it was 18 years later!!! I like all birth mothers feel so alone and empty inside!!! My heart is still not whole even after our reunion I feel more at peace but never whole!!! Yes you do things alot differently after giving up a child more cautiously afraid to feel or that you do not deserve love not sure how to describe it!!! You are not alone!!! Maybe you could talk with a counselor to help you sort your feelings!!! I went through years of counseling after I gave up my daughter and still did not always make to right decisions but it gave me life lessons and a strong back bone and then I met my wonderful husband and things just fell into place for me. I just got to meet my beautiful daughter in August and we are slowly getting to know each other!!! Its a hard road and I can not say it will be easier you just seem to accept it a little better I guess. You should talk your feelings out to someone!!! This is a great place to vent the ladies here give excellent advice and are very supportive!!!! Hugs and prayers!!!
Welcome Summer!
I do understand, and you are not crazy! This is the place you can come to for support. It has helped me very much. Others, who have not been in our situation do not understand, and they never could.
There will be peaks and valleys of your emotional state. Have you been able to get counseling? I know how difficult it is to have to pretend everything is alright.
You will need to concentrate on you now. Prepare for the day you reunite with your son. What was your passion before your pregnancy. I know you wanted to be a mommy, but was there something else your passionate about? Make your son proud of you. Only you know who you are.
Is it a closed adoption? Do you have any pictures?
Please come to us whenever you need support, and know we do understand.
I feel the same exact way, some days are better than others but for the most part all the days are like that. All I can say is I am here if you need someone to talk to and I am sorry for your pain because I know as well as you do nothing seems to take it away things just get easier to bare when you have someone to talk to! ((HUGS))
You are not crazy...It's been 18 years for me and I still feel alone most of the time. I put on the "happy" face daily and feel like a fake. No one understands who has not been in our shoes. The pain is very real and even though I have been though counseling it just helps me deal with the emotions. There are many Mom's here to talk with if you want to reach out, we are here for you. ((HUGS))
BTW, you will never "just get over it"...but hopefully you can learn to forgive yourself and live a full life.
Hi Summer,
I'm sorry that your are hurting so much. it's hard to act like eveything is okay all the the time, I know :( Missing your dear son is something that you don't get over, no time will ease, no other child replaces. Birthday's, anniversay's, holiday's can be triggers , and you need to care for yourself. We will always be here for you. Please reach out , for we all know this journey, and while we may be at different stages, losing our children is a pain we all feel.
Happy Birthday to your son, and please come back and post as much as you need. These women hold me up, never let me know if they get tired of hearing my story (smile) and have made a huge change in how I cope. I encourage you to journal. Just write whatever you are thinking, feeling, wanting to scream. it really does help.
((HUGS))
Summer, I think most of us completely understand how you are feeling. And no, I do not think you are crazy. In fact, I think one of the many "benefits," of becoming a birth mom is that it often tends to make one doubt themselves and feel as if they are the only one suffering as they are. The Internet has made us be able to know that many others feel as we do, and I believe that is a good thing.
You're right, becoming a birth mom changes us forever. There is no way to go back to the person you were before. It is possible to reinvent yourself, become stronger and find some happiness. But, there will also be some sense of loss and sadness that will surface at times.
It's been 37 years for me.
I just recieved an email from my daughter telling me what the kids want for Chritmas. Sounds so normal, doesn't it? But it's not. I spent 29 years in a closed adoption, wondering, worrying, feeling guilty, wondering why I couldn't get past it. Well, you can't get past it, no matter what you do or who you talk too.But things will eventually get better, You must try to forgive yourself.
I suggest counseling also, it helps a bit. You have to do whatever you can to live with it. Be kind to yourself.
I have been in reunion since 2001, my baby will be 38 in Jan.
Quoting Southernroots:
You're right, becoming a birth mom changes us forever. There is no way to go back to the person you were before. It is possible to reinvent yourself, become stronger and find some happiness. But, there will also be some sense of loss and sadness that will surface at times.
Profound. True. Could not had said it better.
This time last year, my son was here visiting with us for Thanksgiving. Didn't think I would react to this year feeling the difference without him and how much it has effected me with the tears that would come at an unexpectant moment, while reflecting on last year. I feel so sad this year and yet, so glad. For things are becoming clearer to me. It's time to just see it as it is. I can't change it and I am not going to waste the time I have with my 3 children who I am raising.
Anne
Oh Summer, you are not crazy ~ you are living the life of a birthmother. Your exact words could have been written by me, by many of the birthmoms I have come to know through this website, the blogs I follow. It breaks my heart to know there is someone else out there that is living this loss, but it also helps me through it all ~ to be able to have somewhere to vent, cry, process all these emotions.
My son is 30 now, I was reunited with him almost a year ago. I often have to remind myself that I did what I thought was best for him at the time, knew it was not the best thing for me. I am very lucky, and my son does have wonderful parents that he loves, had that storybook childhood that I wanted for him & I was too young to give him. Even though, I still feel the loss of him, always will.
Happy Birthday to your wonderful son ~ my heart goes out to you, I know how hard the birthdays hit.
Susie
what would you do as a birth mom
- Summer_0829
on Nov. 25, 2009 at 4:01 AM