Thanksgiving, Well, I am Thankful for each day, regardless, for each day brings 'new' light:) I awoke at 2 a.m., and left the warmth of my husband side, quietly sneaking out on the deck. It was crisp, silent...too silent. I do not know for sure why I felt the need to awaken and be outside at 2 a.m., just did! In those brief few moments, I become aware that I have many many blessings in my life, therefore much to be thankful for. I breathe in the crisp fresh night air, and retreat back to bed, finding the warmth of my Hottie, then drifting back to sleep. I awaken at 4:30, usual time( it is the farmers way). I start the coffee, and sit silently wondering what beauty the day will bring. Shortly there after, my Hottie comes walking in to find his favorite "big man' recliner, and I take him a cup of coffee. His eyes are always amazing, I sometimes feel as if I could drown in them, I wish him a Happy Thanksgiving, and he gives me a warm smile that always melts my heart. After fixing breakfast it is time to go check on a couple of cows that for different reasons, are sick. I ask him if he would like me to go along, and he says he won't be long, kisses me then leaves. He soon returns, he has what my father used to say,"sad eyes", he says nothing and walks to the bedroom and retrieves his revolver....I am suddenly painfully aware, that our 2 "girls" are not going to make it. He says nothing and leaves out the back door. I take my coffee, and step out on the deck, the same spot I stood very early in the morning. I sip on this coffee, and as I breathe in the cool morning air, it is that sound....the same one I have heard many times since the age of 12....it reverbrates, it never seems to leave. At that moment I instantaneously close my eyes, as tight as I possibly can, and then the tears flow. I without thought, began to pray, I ask GOD to take their souls, and give them 'new life", then I ask GOD , to give my Hottie peace, and to ease the pain, that I KNOW he has in his heart. For he is a man with the biggest heart, the strongest of faith, yet the ability to comfort and offer the most LOVE that life has to offer. He is the same man, and ONLY person, whom just a few weeks ago, gently kissed my neck, and told me that I would have been a great Mommy to my twins...shortly after receiving that picture in the mail. Now in ending this LONG post, I am not asking for sympathy, nor did I tell ALL you this to cause sadness...quite the opposite:) In telling you this short chapter in my life, I am offering to you...ALL MY FINE SISTERS, the chance to REFLECT! Today, I am asking you to look into the eyes of ALL those you love...the ones whom are there with you( and yes of course even those whom are not ), and truly SEE what it is that EACH of you have to be Thankful for...there IS much! We all have a chosen path, with many curves, hills to climb, and bumpy surfaces to conquer. Just KNOW that each of us WILL do this...together we cannot fail;) GOD BLESS EACH OF YOU, for I am Thankful, to have each of you touch my life in a way that will never be forgotten. HUG all your loved ones, and if even for only 1 day, be there in the NOW, for they NEED you! Blessings, C.J.
CEEJAY1
Oh..C.J.....Thank you for that Blessing! What a beautiful, and heartfelt tale. I felt as if i was there with you on the the porch, (and I wish i had been). Your Hottie sounds like a keeper :) I did live in the here and Now as I sat on around the table with family and my beloved children :) :). It was magical, as they helped me cook and we played in the kitchen, me picking at them to wait till it was ready. I savored every second.
But, as all was done, and cleaned, the house grew quite, K had gone home, J to bed, it came. The pain. the loss, the tears,the wondering. But, mainly the loss. Oh, how I missed her last night! I prayed for her family, her saftety and joy. But, still this morning, as my head throbs, i think of her so, so intensly. You know me, hoping for that miracle, that maybe a picture would just be sent, even without a message.
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt story , as only you can do. Hope your holiday was wonderful, and praying for the magic, that may unfold for your next Thanksgiving, my kind, loving Sister!
Love you !!!!!
This is a wonderful post, thank you! I too had moments of sadness, missing my son, missing my amom (Thanksgiving was the last day I saw her before she passed away), missing my adad, missing so much...but I also took the time to enjoy the day with my husband and his family. I have had to learn to live in the present...it's hard, but can be done. And Yes, there are many things to be thankful for...
Beautiful post Ceejay!
I have spent this Thanksgiving week realizing all that I do have to be thankful for. I am very blessed ~ even in this adoption journey I am on. I was able this holiday to KNOW, not just pray, that my son is healthy & happy. I am so thankful for all of you fellow birthmoms here on CM that have helped me ride this roller-coaster ride of reunion.
Susie
Check out some of the top posts today in Groups:
HI!
- ceejay1
on Nov. 26, 2009 at 12:35 PM