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New 2 the Group...Im I doing the right thing?

Posted by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 9:11 PM
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Hello Ladies! I have been on Cafe Mom for a while now, well since I was pgwith my daughter who is now 20 months. I am currently 7 months pg with #2 and have decided to give him up for adoption. I have chosen the family and get to meet them in the next week or so. I know I am in no position to raise 2 on my own, I am barley staying afloat with me and my daughter. I want both my kids to be able have the best and this way they can. I hope to know that Im not alone in my feelings of "Am I Doing The Right Thing"? Any one else been there?

by on Jan. 3, 2010 at 9:11 PM
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by Member on Jan. 3, 2010 at 9:46 PM

simple frownI think if you have made your choise then it is the right choise for you then you are aq awsome person and mother who only wants the best for her children i adopted my children so i think you are giving a baby to a family who cant have one so that is awsome my heart dose go out to you cuz i cant even imagin the pain you will go threw but if you need to talk there are so many amazing women here to help you you make your choise dont let anyone eles do it for you ,,,Good luck

by New Member on Jan. 3, 2010 at 10:40 PM

Thank You. I have been on the end of feeling I would never have a child of my own. My ex husband and I tried for years and nothing...we concidered adoption, happy to say that didnt work out, but 4 months after I left him, I was blessed with my beautiful daughter. This pg was extreamly unexpected and im am in no way ready for another one...I know this baby, my son, will be better off with this other family.

by Gold Member on Jan. 4, 2010 at 2:07 AM

Would your son be homeless and without food? Is his safety at risk? Unless the answer is no, then your answer is no, you're not doing the right thing. What you're doing is making a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Your son will wonder why you loved your daughter enough to keep her, but you didn't love him enough to keep him. You may have been promised open adoption, but that promise is worthless, there's nothing to stop his parents from deciding that you and your daughter are not family and he doesn't need you. Which he will.

Read this article "what you should KNOW if your considering adoption for your baby"

Owner Adoption Reunion Group
Co-Owner Infant Adoption Group

by on Jan. 4, 2010 at 2:15 AM

I still ask myself this question everyday and my daughter is now almost 10 months old and has been with her adoptive parents for 9 of those. I know her adoptive parents love her just as much as I do, she is so happy, and has the family I always wanted for her  but my heart will never stop wanting her here with me. My heart will never stop wanting to be her mother, I say though just follow your heart.

by Bronze Member on Jan. 4, 2010 at 2:49 AM

I was in your position once.  Literally in that very position.  And I carried thru with what would become the biggest mistake of my life.

As another said, it's a permanent solution to what is a temporary problem.

All the people who kept quiet about my initial decision suddenly opened up about how they would have helped me.  Not even two years after her adoption, my older daughter and I were doing quite alright....out on our own, I had found a good job.

The couple that adopted my younger daughter do not acknowledge the girls as sisters.  They do not plan to tell my younger daughter about her big sister until she is an adult, if they even bother at that point.  They wanted me and my older daughter to just disappear.

You're making the biggest mistake of your life.  Siblings are not meant to be split up.  In all honesty, if you are giving up one, you might as well give up the other....Please, hear us out.  Learn by our mistakes.  I never wanted to hurt my children.  And in the end, I hurt them more than I could ever imagine.

by on Jan. 4, 2010 at 10:03 AM

I think just the fact that you asked, means you aren't really satisfied with your decision.  I don't think newborn adoption is ever the right choice these days - there is way too much help available to make it possible to keep and raise your child yourself.  Think again, please.

BTW - I am reunited with my 2 sons age 43 and 40, so I speak with some experience!


by on Jan. 4, 2010 at 10:58 AM

Conrats, on your new arrival to be:)  I guess if you were 100% sure, you would not be asking:)  When you meet these people ask yourself, can they love your newborn son, as much as YOU? YOUR answer of course is the same as mine will be...'of course NOT'.  You are attempting to decide something, out of fear of not knowing your financial future, and the ability to give your children everything they 'WANT".   None of us give our children everything they want...but MOST all of us give them everything they NEED.  Finances change, things are rough at best, but as long as you can keep your children safe, warm, happy and fed, this is ALL they WANT or NEED. Neither of your children, WANT or NEED to be seperated, and neither of them WANT or NEED different parents...plain and simple!  Would you go into a room, filled with, wonderful, happy, loving people...seemingly intelligent, dress very well, highly educated, and hand your 20 month old over to them?  MY guess is you would not!  Now, you might be saying..."well I plan on getting to KNOW these perspective parents, before I hand my newborn over to them."  HOW DO YOU TRULY KNOW, THEM?  Two months of getting to 'KNOW' complete strangers, is NOT enough time for anyone, whom is hormonal, and just given birth to her first son, and brother to her little girl.  There are NO guarantees, that what you see is what you get....just a GUARANTEE, you are forcing your son to live with seemingly wonderful people...whom are NOT his parents!  I did this 23 yrs ago, not willingly mind you, but had I ever 1 time thought about what I was doing TO them( twin sons), I would NEVER have signed those papers...I would have went to jail first!   This is NOT saying that there are many wonderful people out there whom would make fantastic parents.....for there most certainly are....just NOT to my child:)  I too, had/have an older son....I cheated ALL of them out of their 'RIGHTS" to know and love each-other...MY twin sons, did NOT ask for NEW parents.  TODAY, (24 yrs later, almost), I have yet to know of them, or look into their eyes!  Think very hard about this astronomical will change the lives of BOTH your children, and neither have even been given a say!  Blessings, C.J.


by Member on Jan. 4, 2010 at 4:35 PM

Only you can make this decision, but, almost 38 years ago, I made the decision to give up my daughter, you know one of the first things she asked me was "why did you give me up and keep my brother"? It was a very heart braking question for me.

This is going to be the hardest thing you will ever do and you will never get over it, it will impact your life and the lives of your children in everything you do.

It's a pain that never heals, it's always with you. Since I've been through it, I can't say you are doing the right thing because I don't think you should do it. Please keep your family together.

I gave my daughter up in Jan 1972, things were a bit different back then, no open adoption (you should know that open adoption are not enforceable). I've been in reunion since 2001. I wish there would have been a group like this to tell me how it really is, sometimes it's like living in hell. Women do not know how to fix this kind of pain, you have a baby and you go home empty handed, there is no joy in your life.

I have been through counseling, but the guilt and pain can sometimes come back and blam you are a crying depressed crazy person.

Please look for services in your area that are available to you, including child support.

by Member on Jan. 4, 2010 at 4:55 PM

I am an adoptive mom in an very open adoption.  I just wanted to tell you to be sure, very sure that you and your chosen adoptive family are on the same page as to the kind of adoption you want and are expecting.  If you are hopeful for an "open adoption" keep in mind that the term "open adoption" is thrown around like crazy and it means something different to everyone.  You need to be very clear on your expectations and desires in terms of contact - visits, letters, pictures, email, phone calls, etc.  Open adoption agreements are not enforceable in most states and it truly is up to the adoptive couple to "honor" the agreement.  When you sign away your rights to parent your child, you have done just that.  All this being said, an open adoption (if this is what you are considering) can be a uniquely beautiful relationship when done right. 

The ladies here (I hope to not have offended anyone by posting) offer amazing advice and have faced adoption from every angle.  Hear what they have to offer in the way of advice and experience.  Then it is really up to you to weigh everything and make a decision that you feel is the best for you and your child. 

I wish you the very best as you continue to consider an adoption plan for you and your child.  



by Bronze Member on Jan. 4, 2010 at 7:34 PM

I can only speak from my experience. I placed my son for adoption 19 years ago. I was very alone, no money, no support, bdad was very abusive...I thought what I was doing was the best for my son. I lost my heart and soul the day I walked out of the hospital and left him with his aparents. I got to meet them and I did get letters and Pic's till he was 4 and then because they felt they were not bonding they cut all contact with me...broke my heart forward some years and I got to meet my son a year ago...he is so angry I "gave him away" that's how he sees it, not that I was doing the best for him. His aparents are still together, are great people...they all just never bonded and that is something you will never know with your child. A baby/child needs their mom, there is a bond from the moment you get pregnant. If you want read the book Primal Wound. It helped me understand some of the adoption "issues". Did you know most children in counseling are adopted? They can have the "best" of everything...BUT still have so many emotional scars. I know I am also an adoptee and I had a great childhood. You may want to join an adoptee group...most will tell you it's a very emotional ride and just because it's open or in reunion it does not get better or easier...the pain will be with you every day of the rest of your life...for me I lost my self esteem, self worth and my heart. My son and I are so close now but he just can't understand why we could not have been close for the last 19 years. All a child needs is love, shelter and food. All the "toys" and "things" really does not matter to the child. What they need the most is their mom...just my thoughts; I wish you the best. This is the hardest road you will ever go on and there is no ending...

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