Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Just had to ask??

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:23 AM
  • 3 Replies
  • 281 Total Views

So my daughter turned 1 on March 9,2010 it was a relatively quiet day. I cried(well I cry just about every time I think of her) but I did not break down like I thought I would. About two days ago I recieved a package in the mail from Chloe's adoptive parents, they sent pictures, a letter, and a locket for me with a picture from her 1st birthday and the day she was born. I am forever greatful for them, their kindness amazes me. Some people I know do not even know what their child looks like, so I feel truly blessed. Their lives revolve around Chloe, as mine did when I had her (and I would'nt have had it any other way, she completed me). I can tell she is truly a little diva I can tell just from the pictures she is too cute. She will have everything I wanted for her, I know in my heart she will. Anyway here is my thought and kind of a question: I feel like the more time that passes the harder it gets. I try so hard to remember her cry, the way she smelled, all the days I had her. I feel all my memories are slipping away and I am trying so hard to keep them. I drive myself crazy everyday trying to remember ever minute of when I had her, I dont want to lose any of them. Because I feel if I do I am losing her. I feel as if she was never mine, as if I never carried her, as if I never stayed up many nights with her, as if she was never in my life, and I dont like feeling this way. I dont like feeling like she never exsisted. Have any of you felt this way?? I had to put all her pictures away because we are moving and doing that has really crushed me. I know I will put them back up but it just triggered something in me. I guess it made me feel like I was moving on and I dont want to move on. I needed to get that out and see if anyone has any advice or has anyone else experienced this???? I know you never truly move but how did you deal with the thought that you have no other choice but too?? 

by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 2:23 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-3):
lysithea
by Member on Apr. 1, 2010 at 1:40 PM

While I haven't ever been there myself, I did just want to say that you are in my thoughts. If I could send you a hug from across the miles, I definitely would.

Over time, all of our present feelings and thoughts naturally turn into a memory. It's both a protection mechanism and a survival one. Otherwise, there'd be no room for all our new experiences and emotions.

Please don't feel that you are forgetting your sweet daughter. I can understand how it can feel that way at time. She is, and always will be, a part of you - no matter who is parenting her.

randi1978
by Bronze Member on Apr. 1, 2010 at 11:56 PM

The day I had my daughter, the adoptive dad came up to my room to give me two things:

*A clay drum he made himself in my favorite color (never told him I liked purple and he loves doing pottery).

*A small potted flower plant.

 

About eighteen months later, the plant finally died.  My mom found me out in her garden thrashing through the dirt, crying like I have never cried before, trying to find that plant so I could save it.  It felt as if my only real connection to her had died along with it.

I am struggling a little, sometimes the pain isn't so bad and sometimes I just want to curl into a ball and die.  The only memory I have of her other than being preggo with her is holding her when we were at the hospital still.  The adoptive parents were hovering over me like hawks.  I remember her face, her cheeks, all that hair....omg, I had never seen so much hair on a baby in my family.

It's all I got.  My only real memory of her.  The only thing that makes her real.  I have so many pictures of her now (many of which I stole from the adoptive parents' webpage) and seeing her at almost 3 yrs old is surreal.  It doesn't seem real!

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Apr. 20, 2010 at 1:08 PM

I used to feel the same way you do. I put my children up for adoption 12 years ago. On Mother's Day that year, I didn't even get out of bed. My photo album was lost in a move, and I had very few pictures of them that I carried in my purse. Time will lessen the angst that you feel. At least it did for me. One thing that helped me a lot was writing letters to my sons. I couldn't send the letters to them, and most of them I don't even have any more. But it helped to "talk" to my sons in this way. I still got to say I love you. I hope this helps. And my prayers are with you. If you ever need to talk, I am here.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)