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Emily's 2nd Birthday....

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 6:50 PM
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is coming up at the end of the month and I am wanting to send her a birthday card. But I am afraid that I will upset her Afamily and that they will cut off all contact. So, I was thinking that I could send the card to their church. That way they dont have to give me their home address. I am going to ask Emiy's mom if that would be okay, but Im scared to. Good idea, bad idea? Thoughts and suggestions? Thanks.

by on Apr. 1, 2010 at 6:50 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ashleigh139
by Member on Apr. 1, 2010 at 10:38 PM

I think you should go for it. At least you are asking before you do it ya know? Just politely explain you would LOVE to send her a b-day card, and you wanted to know if maybe you could send it to their church so they wouldn't have to give their address. Or maybe they could set up a P.O. box so you can send b-day cards, letters, pictures, etc. on a semi-regular basis. Good luck :)

ChazzAnn
by Member on Apr. 2, 2010 at 6:00 PM

I never thought of the P. O. box thing!! Thanks for the suggestion. I got up the nerve to email and ask, but havent heard back yet.

getinandhangon
by New Member on Apr. 4, 2010 at 11:33 PM

I know that you should. It will make you feel better and the family know that you still love her and want to be in her life.  Isn't their an agency address that you were given?

BeJuicy
by Bronze Member on Apr. 5, 2010 at 5:40 PM

I send my daughter presents all the time. I want her to know I am thinking about her. I send her parents thankyou notes for all the pictures as well. I think its a good idea because when shes older she will be able to look at them and see how much you loved her and thought about her. Im just curuous though, why would it upset them if you sent her stuff and know there address?

ChazzAnn
by Member on Apr. 6, 2010 at 11:35 PM

I finally got a reply from Em's Amom. She said that she was sorry that it took so long for her to reply, but that she had to ask the pastor of her church if it was okay for me to send Em's card there. She said that she would be more than happy to have me send her a card and gave me the church's address. BeJuicy-The reason why I was hesitant to ask them if I can send her cards is because at first they told me in an e-mail that I could send her whatever I wanted to and then two months later they e-mailed my mom and told her that they were uncomfortable with me e-mailing them. So, since then, I have been afraid of doing anything that might make them stop posting pics and videos and such on FaceBook. Im just trying not to step on their toes. Although, I feel like they owed it to me to at least let me send her a b-day card since they backed out of letting me see her March 20th.

doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Apr. 7, 2010 at 10:30 AM

 ChazzAnn, I'm glad they have opened the door even if it's to the church for now. I'm sorry about the decisions they've made since having your child. I want you to know that it's moms like you & some other of my first mom friends, those of you who were/are so scared of contact or stepping on toes, and willing to voice your fears, concerns, & even anger here,  that gave me (an a-mom) the courage to allow our first contact with our son's birth mom in 19 months.  

Meeting her again after all this time (and even though there are still some issues that she's dealing with) has lessened my fears that she wants to take my place in his life. We simply have made a place for her in ours. I know that this contact & openness is new & know that we are likely to have some bumps along the way, so there may come a time when I'll be the one asking questions. It really helps knowing how you feel. I imagine she (his birth mom) feels the same way as you, but she's very bold & it's worked out in her/our favor. Hope this helps & sending you a hug.

 

ChazzAnn
by Member on Apr. 7, 2010 at 1:18 PM

Im glad that it helps you to hear from me and other birthmoms like me.

doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Apr. 7, 2010 at 11:05 PM

I'm so sorry!  I had 3 more paragraphs when I first posted this, but then thought it was too long & tried to cut it back. I left out the part that we adopted him thru foster care & we were not allowed contact with her. After the adoption & even with some issues, we opened contact.

Here's what I left out- I originally only posted the first & last paragraphs. BUT I didn't want you to think that I had cut her out in any way.

Ours is a little "different" in that she did not choose us to raise her son (foster care) but in some ways I believe that she DID choose to give us this opportunity by not doing her plan. After they terminated her rights, she did ask us if we would adopt him. We told her absolutely, that we loved him so much. She was very concerned that he not be moved to another family, because she knew that he was bonded to us. So in a "different way" I think she "sorta" chose us. (It's a stretch, I know, LOL!)

Anyway, CPS wouldn't allow her to contact us. (Although she tried on numerous occasions. She's never been scared to lose contact. She didn't have contact, so she had nothing to lose. She's nothing if not persistent, but again, I've now known your POV's so that I can imagine her feelings.) We had concerns about allowing contact before the adoption was final because we didn't want to risk losing him by CPS saying that we weren't protecting him or something. However, since the adoption finalized several months ago, she did try to contact us again.  

He just turned 3 y/o (March) & she came over to our house (long story-but she had already found out where we lived) and gave him a gift. She only saw him for a few minutes, but I knew that it was the world to her. He was 17 months when she saw him last. Coming up the drive, I went out to hug her & thanked her for coming. She apologized for some past issues, & I told her that we'd "start fresh". I told her that we were new at this & had concerns, but that if we could take it slow, we'd like to have her in his life. I told her that I didn't want her to have to run the other way if we saw each other at the store, etc. I took a few pics (didn't know when we'd see her again) & let her take pics with her camera. (Although a tired, wiggly 3 y/o doesn't always make the best "model", she was able to get some good ones.) We saw her again at Easter.

This was the part that took courage from our end, not knowing how her life is now, but knowing that they need to know each other. Sorry for the confusion...

drfink
by Silver Member on Apr. 8, 2010 at 11:49 AM

doodlebopfan you are a pearl in Gods crown.

Chazz Ann I am sorry your daughters amother doesn't appreciate what a wonderful relationship they could have with you.

doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2010 at 4:49 PM

 

Quoting drfink:

doodlebopfan you are a pearl in Gods crown.

Chazz Ann I am sorry your daughters amother doesn't appreciate what a wonderful relationship they could have with you.

drfink, I only wish, but you are too sweet. Thank you.

All: My heart just breaks when I hear these stories, and I know that I am not supposed to post, and I'm supposed to sit back and observe & listen in this group because I'm an adoptive mom. It saddens me greatly, and sometimes I just feel that I need/want to encourage someone that while they are suffering, that it's made a difference to me. I can't take away the sadness, pain, and suffering, and I'm sorry if my posts offend anyone. I honestly don't mean to. It's hard to see the pain that you all have been or are in and not have it affect me. It does make me question harder the ladies who are thinking about adoption, it does make me now question the motives of those who adopt (including myself), and it does make me try to listen to my son's heart whenever his adoption might be brought up by him. Right now, he's still young, but I know it's coming. Again, not trying to make this about me, but just wanted to let you know that I do care.

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