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So Im a cruel heartless bitch who doesnt care about my baby.....

Posted by on May. 26, 2010 at 6:28 PM
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Ok so I got this message saying that if I really loved my daughter I would not be so "happy" about my decision. That as a b-mom i should have regrets. And the fact that I do not regret it makes me a "cruel heartless person"

 I realize that my situation is different than most because I dont regret it but REALLY? Just because I dont want my daughter back doesnt mean I dont love her. Im sick and tired of some people triying to make me feel bad for being happy. I am a happy optimistic person, I always have been and the adoption did not change that.  Im am very bothered by this and I dont know what to do or say?

Has anyone ever said anything like this to you about your choice. How did you deal with it?

Im also secretly hoping the person who sent me the nasty message will see this and realize how cruel they were.

by on May. 26, 2010 at 6:28 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MissingChloe
by on May. 26, 2010 at 6:41 PM

People have said this to me also. One girl told me that I shouldn't be allowed to have anymore children because I gave my daughter up for adoption although she had, had two abortions. I was like Im sorry arent I the better person in this situation because unlike you I did not kill my child. Not that I have anything against anyone who has chosen this option, I just could not imagine myself doing that. You have to take the good with the bad. Obviously this person is angry in some way. I miss my daughter like crazy, somedays I regret my decision but that does not take away from the fact that I feel I did the right thing. I gave two wonderful people the child that they could not have and they have blessed me with the fact that my daughter will have the life she deserves not just the bare minimum. You should never feel bad for your decision it is your own just as your journey is your own and you never need to justify to anyone and I mean anyone the love you have for your daughter because you as well as I know that you do love her. I know some do not like to hear this on here but adoptions DO work sometimes. They DO!!!! Not all go wrong some work out!! There is always two sides good and bad. I just like you probably do refuse to live my life full of anger I can not. I have accepted my decision which is the only thing I can do and am trying to move on. Sorry so long! Keep your head up girl!!hugs 

doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on May. 26, 2010 at 6:46 PM

Kirsten, I am so sorry that someone has been so cruel to you. You've been nothing but honest about your situation and if people can't understand that, they need to move on. One time, I asked a question on Q&A about if we gave every pregnant mother a million dollars, would there be no more adoption? You, sweet girl, were the "answer". If a person doesn't have the desire to parent (at that time) then no amount of money would change that. No one should make you feel guilty about that.

I know that you've been very candid in this group (I'm thinking malor-something's post) about your decision to place because you had some big plans for your life, and that you yourself tell others that your adoption situation is different than most. I'm sorry you were hurt. We know how much you love your baby girl. Blessings!  

onethentwins
by Gold Member on May. 26, 2010 at 6:51 PM

Before I reunited with my son I had no regrets either and never thought I wanted him back. I'm not cruel and heartless either and I've loved my son since he was a blue stain on a pregnancy test. I'm surprised you didn't out the person who sent you that PM. I would have.

Yes, I've had several nasty things said to me. But, I'm way too thick skinned to let some faceless person on the internet get to me. I've even had some very close friends say some heartless things. For example ".....the kind of people who give their children away". Ouch!

I've also had my own adoptee son say some pretty vicious things, but I know that's just him sticking the adoptee knife in and giving it a quick twist.. That goes with the territory: I hurt him by giving him away, he want's to hurt me back; I get it.

sorry your feelings got hurt.

CMHmommy
by on May. 26, 2010 at 7:53 PM

It amazes me how careless some can be with others feelings. I'm sorry.

syida
by Member on May. 26, 2010 at 7:57 PM

You are not a cruel [erson. You need to keep in your heart what a wonderful thing you  did for your child. If you could not offer your child the home it needed then you did the right thing. Ive been there so dont , please , let anyone make you feel bad for the wonderful thing you did for your child.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on May. 26, 2010 at 8:23 PM

Unfortunately, my only advice is to "get used to it."  :(   It is a sad reality of our situation, the social stigma.  Many of us get these comments all our lives.  And those who don't comment often think it.  There is a stigma around being a mother separated from her child by adoption. 

The primary social view of adoption is NOT that it is an act of "love" but is an act where a mother does not love her child.    And that it happens either involuntarily when the State judges you to be unfit, or voluntarility when the mother judges herself to be "unfit."  And this comes striaght from the history of why the Western child adoption system was invented in 1851 -- to find homes for orphans and other abandoned children, and children in the social welfare system whose parents were unfit.

Either way, the unfortuntately, the fact is that people DO talk about adoption is framed as a means of dispsing of "unwanted babies" (played out with the misleading/wrong framing of it being an alternative to abortion),  and the mother IS going against social epxectations of what motehrs do -- they do not abandon their children.

So, for many of us, for the rest of our lives we WILL encounter people who believe us to be heartless, unfit, cruel, and willful abandoners.   One mom, a good firend, who voluntarily surrendered her baby a couple of months ago, and then got her baby back after a huge fight after she realized she was lied and coerced to surrender her baby by hospital staff w/in hours of birth (while still drugged), was told she is going to be added to the state's Child Abuser registry because she "abandoned" her child.  The first judge would not give her back her baby (even though she was w/in the legal limit to get her baby back) because he said that she abandoned her child and thus she was unfit.

I have been called a "hearlless abandoner" more times than i can count, and my story is 100% different from yours in that my child was literally illegally abducted.

Also, get used to anger and comments like  "I could NEVER give away my child!" ... and even be prepared for the possibility of your chid feeling rejected and angry and hating you (yes it happens).  It is part of the package. Adoption dies NOT guarantee a better life, only a different one -- there is no saying that our lost children will grow up and thank us for it.

(edited to add:   my friend "A" got so sick of being called an "abandoner" that she used the term sarcasticly in her blog as a way of making a statement about it:  "Diary of an Abandoned Abandoner")

Southernroots
by Group Admin on May. 26, 2010 at 9:56 PM

 

Quoting BeJuicy:

Ok so I got this message saying that if I really loved my daughter I would not be so "happy" about my decision. That as a b-mom i should have regrets. And the fact that I do not regret it makes me a "cruel heartless person"

 I realize that my situation is different than most because I dont regret it but REALLY? Just because I dont want my daughter back doesnt mean I dont love her. Im sick and tired of some people triying to make me feel bad for being happy. I am a happy optimistic person, I always have been and the adoption did not change that.  Im am very bothered by this and I dont know what to do or say?

Has anyone ever said anything like this to you about your choice. How did you deal with it?

Im also secretly hoping the person who sent me the nasty message will see this and realize how cruel they were.

For someone to tell you how you SHOULD feel is wrong, and I am sorry someone was mean to you. No one should try to make you feel badly for not having regrets. It's a terrible think to live with regrets and I wish none of us had regrets about our decision.

Your situation is very different from most because most birth moms wanted to raise their children and regret that they did not.  Another important point is that just because you don't have any regrets now doesn't mean that might not change some day. I hope for your sake that it doesn't but, many moms do not have regrets in the beginning. It often takes time for it to sink in what we have really lost.

As for being an upbeat and optimistic person, I am like that as well. But, adoption is simply not something I can generally view in a positive way. And, I can never  be happy or without regrets that I did not raise my older son. In general, I do lead a satisfied and good life, but, it is tainted by the loss of my son.  That's how I feel though, and I do not expect everyone to feel exactly the same.

As I recall, you are quite young, maybe that has something to do with how you view things as well. Maybe you don't yet appreciate and understand the joys of being a mom? Just guessing here, but.....

I wonder if whoever made this mean comment to you was bothered by some of your responses to pregnant women considering adoption. Sometimes when I see you post that you have no regrets,  without mentioning why you have no regrets, I wonder how helpful it is. But, I would never think you didn't have a right to post or be mean to you for it. Plus, I think we all need to remember that each of us may be in different places in our journey and we need to respect that fact.

Anne28
by on May. 27, 2010 at 9:15 AM

This isn't right and I suggest you don't read those emails..just delete them.  You feel the way you do and have every right to feel that way.  It's your business.  These posts are not meant for anyone to feel bad about their decisions or to place judgment on one another.  It's discussion posts and that is the bottom line.

This person doesn't mean anything to you personally so let them go and perhaps it is within themselves to lash out on someone else because of the way they are feeling.  This probably has nothing to do with you.

Anne

snowwillow
by Member on May. 27, 2010 at 10:13 AM

I went almost 30 years with people not even knowing I had given birth to two children, none of my Dads family had a clue. It was hard to tell people, but I was prepared for the worst, I was very surprised by the amount of people who were shocked but thrilled I had found her. Those who weren't and had something nasty to say, well, they probably weren't my friends after all. Ya, it hurts, but they are only words.

 

Cath88
by on May. 27, 2010 at 1:42 PM

You know what?  Whomever sent you that insensitive message has a huge problem of her own.  She is probably very miserable and wants you to feel the same way.  Don't let people who are cruel get to you; that's who they are.  And, you are who you are: a loving, unselfish mom who wants the very best for her daughter; you are someone who is happy for her child, that her daughter's life is good, and you are just a happy woman, in general!  Some people just have the worst attitudes and we need to forget about them and not let them bring us down.  God bless you and may He keep joy in your heart!  Keep smiling...

Cathy

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