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Guess I'm about the same, but then again I'm not.

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 4:06 AM
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  I havent posted in awhile, but I just have so much going through my mind right now.  Things that I'm focusing on and have been thinking about.  I've been keeping myself so busy lately, so busy. I have school 3 days a week and still working full time, and trying to keep up a social life, but still trying to have me time, which really is pushed to the side.  I had my therapy session today, and she told me stuff that I have known in the back of my mind.  that me keeping so busy running around, here and there, that I will end up hittin a brick wall and breaking down.  And I probably will.

I've been thinking something recently, well since he passed away really.  I just feel that I shouldnt be as upset as the adoptive mom.  That I don't have the right to really be sad, because I wasnt taking care of him, I wasnt there for him.  I'm so concerned with her well being and her being ok about everything.  I dont want her to hurt.  I really wanted her to be able to raise a child and know how it feels to be a mother, to have a positive experience.  Now all I've brought her is something so negative.  I never wanted something like this to happen.  I really wanted to do something good for someone, something lasting  and something positive and life changing.

Everything that I do in my life, always ends negative.  I havent cried in about 4 days, and i try to not think about things.  But today it hit me while i was in school, my instuctor mentioned something bout her lil son that is 3,  and my thought was that i will never experience that with Darian.  That made me just cry. 

I've been doing so good at not thinking about things.  I feel guilty for being upset about everything but I cant help it.  Then I feel guilty for  not thinking about him because I don't want to forget him. I don't even remember what it felt like to hold him, kiss him on the forehead, cuddle him.  I don't remember.  I feel like I'm going to forget.

I dont' know why I wont let myself be continuely upset and just cry. i dont know why i am more concerned with the adoptive mom's well being than my own.  I dont understand it.  I just wanted to do something positive for someone.  I didnt want it to turn out this way. I should of just kept him. He may still be here.  He could be here with me right now, me holding him, cuddling with him, loving him.  I should of kept him. He would still be here.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 4:06 AM
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by Bronze Member on Jun. 3, 2010 at 4:13 AM

Oh obviously I'm still not sleeping well.  I sleep from 3 to 6 hours.. depends... i usually lay in bed looking at his pictures and thinking, crying a little.  I did get his ashes.  I have yet to be able to get an urn... I have him in a velvet pouch that i lay next to me.  I just want him close to me.  Thats all.  I just really miss him.

by Silver Member on Jun. 3, 2010 at 8:39 AM

I'm so sorry. You and the adoptive mother have shared a life-time of grief all at once. Hopefully the counselor will be able to help you handle it a little at a time. IMHO, you haven't failed her (amom) or Darian. She's now a mother who has lost a child just as you have. Many mothers lose babies to SIDS or other things. Tomorrow isn't promised, but can only be hoped for. 

 Praying for healing for you all.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 8:41 AM


Please don't think you have to apologize or feel guilty about what you're feeling.  You are a loving Mom and woman and your baby knows this.  You LOVE your boy and always will, and he knows this.  I hope you and the adoptive mom will be at peace and that you'll feel God's arms around you, comforting you, when you are sad.  Don't blame yourself about things.  I'm so sorry about this.

With love,


by Bronze Member on Jun. 3, 2010 at 8:58 AM

I hope through counseling you'll learn that it's ok to have these types of feelings.  We all grieve in different ways and one way isn't right or wrong.  You both loved Darian.  I hope you continue to go to counseling.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 9:54 AM

OH Melissa.... you loved Darien and that would have never changed no matter how old he was or how long with Bertha. You shouldn't feel guilty for feeling the way you do. WHile this time is really hard for you, remember that you gave Bertha the most amazing gift and she had the most amazing time with Darien. She did get to experience beinga mother. You didn't cause Darien's loss or take away her motherhood. You are so great to be concerned about her and I bet she is just as concerned about you.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:03 PM

You have every right to be sad about the loss of your son.  And who is to say that  you shouldn't mourn more than his adoptive mom?  Yes, his adoptive mother is the one that got to take care of his daily needs, but YOU knew him from the very beginning, YOU nurtured him in your body, YOU went through labor & delivery, your son would not have blessed the earth with his presence if YOU did not give birth to him. 

You DID NOT bring anything negative into Darien's adoptive mom's life.  You brought her joy that she has never before known as a mother.  Garth Brooks song "The Dance" just came to mind. 

Oh, how I wish I could come through this internet and give you a great big hug right now.   Let yourself grieve, without quantifying it.  You lost a child.  It's not about who lost more. 

Sending lots of love your way,  Susie

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above.
For a moment all the world was right,
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?

And now I'm glad I didn't know,
The way it all would end, the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance. I could have missed the pain,
But I'd have had to miss the dance.


by Silver Member on Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:55 PM

Oh sweetie of course you are in pain and there is no contest or comparisons about the pain .You are in pain and she is in pain .You are both normal heartbroken mothers.I have friends that have lost children SIDS ,kidney disease 7 a yr old and a car wreck 17 yr old ; some time has passed but from the begining and despite the horrific pain they all have never regretted for a second being a mother to their child never.I have no doubt his other mother feels the same about the blessing you gave her.Take care and listen to your therapist. HUGS 

by Bronze Member on Jun. 3, 2010 at 4:19 PM

I think it speaks volumes about what kind of person you are that you are very concerned about how this tragedy has affected the adoptive mom.  Only a kind, wonderful and compassionate person would feel as you do.

As others have said, don't forget how important therapy is for you.  Even on days when you feel pretty good.  If you have an appointment and you're feeling good, go anyway, okay?

Wishing you moments of peace as you walk through this.  ((HUGS))


by Bronze Member on Jun. 4, 2010 at 11:25 AM

It is not your fault!  You did not make this happen. :(  You have every right to be sad and grieving.  The loss of a continued relationship is still a loss.  I'd keep going but got a fussy baby.  I will come back today.  Don't put yourself down

take care

by Bronze Member on Jun. 4, 2010 at 9:49 PM

Hello again,

I was in a bit of a rush when I wrote earlier and as I look back at it, I see that I unintentionally neglected to say that although it is incredible of you to be worried about the adoptive mother, it is also very important to acknowledge that YOUR loss is just as huge (truly it is huger) and I hope that you don't minimize your feelings to yourself or your therapist as you cope with the loss of Darian.

I hope that this is coming across as it was intended...with hope for your healing and sympathy to you and your children.


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