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Death and Adoption....( Don't worry it's not bad and please don't take what I have said to be horrible)

Posted by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 7:58 PM
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           Something I have actually thought of since all of this experience for me; i think of the adoption and then Darian passing, and really which is worse... I kinda agree with what Cedartrees had said.  If I had to go the rest of my life having Darian living with someone else, I would never be at peace with that.  Him calling someone else mommy, and having morning time together, having dinner at the dinner table together, all the things you enjoy with your own child, family time, and me not being able to ever have that when he is growing up,  that thought kills me.  

          I think God intended for this adoption to never happen.  I can at least accept at some point in my life that he isn't here anymore, and I was his mommy.  I was always suppose to be his mommy, noone else.  
       Although I pray to God, that Darian was still with me, I think life would have been harder for me to cope with the adoption. I can atleast cope with his death.  I know this next statement seems a bit much, but I don't know how else to phrase it so everyone understands it. It's more of a feeling.  It's almost relief. Relief that i don't have to continue through the adoption, that i knew the moment I signed those papers it was the hugest mistake of my life.  I honestly believe God intended for this to never happen, so he interveined.  Mentally I don't think I could of handled the adoption.  I've never taken any type of depression med, although I prolly should have going through my divorce, I always try to keep it together, but when I'm alone, I'm different.  A side of me noone sees.

    I do miss Darian dearly, so much.  I think of things like God saved me the sight of seeing Darian pass away, ( he was with adoptive mom) , God saved me the grief of the adoption, one that I regretted dearly. I knew better. 

    Kinda off the subject of the topic but,  right after Darian passed away, I kept thinking to myself I wanted to replace him, to give the adoptive mom another child, to make her feel better, because I do care for her and want her to have all the happiness in the world.... I thought that for about 30 minutes, and woke up... what the hell was I thinking... I would never place for adoption again.  But I do want to get pregnant again, terribley.  It's a feeling of wanting to replace what I don't have anymore. And replace really isnt the word, but the only one I can think of.    I was talking to one of my guy friends about this, and he's all .. ok lets do it.   I told him he is weird, lol, and that I can't get pregnant right now, I am keeping myself on depo... I want to and have to finish school

     One day I will have another child, that child won't be Darian of course.  I do miss him and love him, so much.  But I have to be honest, I'm happy he is with God and not his adoptive mom.  I don't think I could live with that the rest of my life. 

by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 7:58 PM
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by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2010 at 8:53 PM

Dearest Purple,

What a terrible and tragic time you've had of this. I do believe that Darian was supposed to be with you, I really do. I don't believe that God was involved in your adoption or Darians death. I respect that you believe that but I can't. God is not cruel. If it had been his will for Darian to stay with you, he would have been, you couldn't have defied God's will. Plus I don't think God would do that to his adoptive mom either.

What I wish for you is closure and a swift journey through your greif. I hope you find a partner that truly loves you and that you have wonderful children and a long and happy life.


by Bronze Member on Jun. 26, 2010 at 8:59 PM

Thank you for your words...  I understand completely what your saying... completely..

by on Jun. 26, 2010 at 9:53 PM

Oh Purple,

I so completely understand your feelings about Darian's adoption & death.  I also understand your statement about keeping it together, until you are alone. I hope that you find someone that you can let into your heart & can someday share everything with. 

I think that you are a strong girl, who will go on to do wonderfully in school, and someday you will be an amazing mom because you will treasure every moment of your pregnancy & being a mommy, as well as a mother! 


by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2010 at 10:39 PM

And I wanted to say also that I completely understand that Darian's death is not as hard for you to deal with as losing him to adoption. I know several women who've had an abortion and placed their child for adoption and they all say that abortion is easier to live with. It does seem strange and all I know is adoption loss but I believe them and I believe you.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 27, 2010 at 1:24 AM

I understand in a different way.  My daughter's birthfather passed away when she was 20 months.  It was devastating to lose them both in such a short time, but I knew it would have been harder for me to see him move on and be with another girl, get married and have kids with someone else.  We weren't together, so all that could have happened.

My heart goes out to have lost your baby twice...there are no words to express.  You are here for a reason, I'm glad that you have come here and posted, you are here for your words to touch other people.

Take care mama

by Silver Member on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:03 AM

Quoting onethentwins:
I know several women who've had an abortion and placed their child for adoption and they all say that abortion is easier to live with.

I can vouche for this  It is true in my expierence.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 27, 2010 at 9:11 AM

Oh I also wanted to say that I wasn't seeing as God taking Darian to be cruel, I believe it was more so to ease my grief with the adoption.  Of course he wouldnt put cruelty to the adoptive mom. I'd never want that.  I am only thinking it in my point of view and not what the adoptive mom would see.  She hasnt talked to me much.  Kinda felt that she ditched me a couple weeks ago. We were suppose to have gotten together, but she never called me  and hasn't set anything else up.  So that saddens me, but what can I do.   I also havent told her that i got Darian's things back, I think that would make her mad.  IDk...

 Oh on the abortion comment... I totally agree with that.... from experience.  Completely agree. 

 Thank you also Susie,  lol, I do have 2 other children, 12 and 8.  They drive me crazy, but havent had them all summer... I got me time all summer.   I think raising a child in my 30's will be completely different as when i was 17 and 20....So I am definetly looking forward to that time.... after I finish school,  I have a year and 5 months.

by on Jun. 27, 2010 at 3:40 PM

I think I need to take some cliff notes to keep everyone straight on here sometimes!!  Purple, I was thinking you were a young mom still in school, forgot that you are already a momma & out of high school. 

by Member on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:19 PM

Purple, I totally agree with onethentwins - the loss of a child (for the adopted mother) is cruelty & God wouldn't have anything to do with being the cause of that.  BUT I do totally understand what you're saying.  I have a friend who lost a child & we talked about this once & she said "but at least I don't have to wonder about where my son is & if he's ok & if he needs me like you do" which was something I'd thought many times myself.  Don't get me wrong, I'm *glad* my kids are alive out there somewhere, but it is torture not knowing *how* they are. So, I'm glad that at least you don't have that torture...and I *do* believe God has helped you in one way - he's given you the peace of mind of that realization in light of what has happened.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 27, 2010 at 4:22 PM

I can understand what your saying.  I do hope you find closer in all of this, no matter how long it takes and you're right you can't replace one child with another.  I had a miscarriage after placing 2 for adoption and then a healthy pregnancy.  It's hard but one doesn't replace another.  I'm surprised the adoptive mom hasn't contacted you again yet! Right after Darian's death, it sounded like she really wanted you two to be there for one another.  She's probably grieving the loss in her own way now. 

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