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*My story* (pics)

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 1:44 AM
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I wrote a poem about it, first...then I will explain it, and add pics. (Don't have the birth pics scanned, I will later) I want to share it, because the more I read here in this group, the more I am blown away by people's reactions of shock and awe at the level of openness with this adoption. I want to answer questions, and I will defend my choices to the death if need be. I give talks at the agency I went through, to prospective adoptive couples, AND to birthmoms. I help lead birth family therapy group sessions. 98% of the adoptions I witness occuring in MY area are open, and a lot tend to have MY level of openess. I welcome differing viewpoints and opinions. I just ASK that you remain respectful. Just because MY story is different, doesn't make it WRONG for me, my child, my other children, or the adoptive family. For US, it is perfect.


She sits alone, the hard chair cold.

Nervously, she twists the ring on her finger.

Her eyes wander down to the band of gold.

Her eyes fill up, and her doubts begin to linger.

Before she can let her emotions lead her feet,

A woman walks up to her, young, and kind.

She shakily stands and leaves her seat,

Mentally willing her fears to stay behind.

They enter an office, cozy and warm,

As they are seated, she is asked to speak,

Gathering her composure as her thoughts swarm,

Despite her best efforts, the tears begin to leak.

“I have a baby now, and he said he’d be there,

But now I’m entirely on my own,

And a baby and a toddler would be too much to bear,

If I have to do it all alone.

So I came for help, to see if you could,

Help me find a family for this baby girl.

As long as there’s one who maybe would,

Let me be a part of her world.”

“I have a few, if you’d like to look”

And she handed the girl profiles to check out.

Her eyes stopped searching when she saw the 3rd book,

“This in the one!” she said, “Without any doubt!”

They met that evening, and talked all night,

She was thrilled to have found two people so great.

“We’d love for your baby to become our little light,

We are so excited we can hardly stand to wait!”

Their wait wasn’t long, the baby came soon after,

Their lives are complete, and she’s well taken care of,

Their days are filled with her wonderful laughter,

And all of their worlds are filled with love.

The girl is now married, with more babies on the way,

She sees her daughter often, and can easily tell,

Her gift is the joy and highlight of their every waking day,

And so our story now ends well.

That's the basics. It's mostly how it went. I knew when I found out about Abby that she would be someone else's. There was no question then, and there never was. I called the agency I decided I most liked out of the yellow pages list, and the worker who came out to my house was AMAZING. Her name is Stephanie. She was just married at the time, but now has adopted her own two children. She gave me 3 profiles and scrapbooks the families had made for the birthmoms to look through. I didn't like the first two books. Those families were just NOT what I wanted for my child. I liked the background story of the 3rd couple, though. When I opened their scrapbook, they looked so...REAL? I turned the page, and right there was "Chief", sitting on their couch, under two trophy bucks mounted on their wall. And there was "Mom", horseback riding, and with a huge catfish she had hooked. A southern girl at heart, I knew living up north now, this was the BEST family to give my little girl a similar life to what I had. Steph called them then and there, and they came down that night to meet me. We met at the agency, and we literally talked for SO long, that we moved the "meeting" to TGIFriday's, right by my house, and were out til past midnight. We talked and talked and talked and talked after that night, and I knew, that THIS was the family for my daughter. And myself.

When Abby came 6 weeks early, I was terrfied, but they calmed me down and got me through it. I kept telling them I was sorry for possibly screwing up their baby. They laughed and told me I was being silly. I honestly felt like a surrogate at that point. I LOVE Abby, of course, but she was just always going to be THEIR baby in my mind. We all went to the NICU every day together while she was there. We came home to my house first, so the sisters could spend some time together. They had a baby shower for her on Mother's Day, a couple of months after she was born, and I was the guest of honor. I opened the gifts while Mom read the cards, and I spent almost the whole day with Abby in my arms. I was their town's hero of the day, I swear. Mom gave me a bouquet of white and pink roses in front of everyone, and we just held each other in tears. I don't know, sometimes, still, who is more grateful to to them, for loving my little girl the way I wanted, or them, to me, for giving them their first child together after 8 years of miscarriages and failed IVF. (Mom has 3 adult children from 2 horribly abusive marriages) 1st DD and I stayed at their house that weekend, and Mom's older daughter and I became sisters that weekend for sure.

DD and I stayed up there that Thanksgiving, too. There was no question, we were all family. When I met DH a few months later, they were the ones who I wanted approval of him from the most, and they certainly approved. Chief walked me down the aisle at our wedding, and both of my girls were our flower girls. They took the empty spots of parents that no longer existed in my life, and that meant the world to me.

DH and I have been married 4 yrs this Thursday, and Abby will be 6 this coming winter. There are tons of little stories about how our families have meshed, and how time has only brought us closer. They were there when DH and I's 1st child together was born, our DS, who is 2 now. They had both of the girls, and were such proud "grandparents" then. I mentioned in a bother post that they want us to move to their small town so we can be closer than almost 3 hours away. Mom and I miss each other like crazy, to be honest. She truly is my MOM now, and nothing will change that. We have had our arguments, and we spent a month not talking, but just couldn't keep it up, lol. And we were FLAMINGLY angry, too! *sigh* They recently lost their house in a tragic fire, and I was there within three days with stuff for them I had gathered from my neighbors and friends. When DH and I got our first house, we had nothing to put in it really, and they came down with a U-Haul full of furniture, and items for us, free, no questions asked.I know the birthmom of their younger ADD, too, and was sooo  happy when they brought her home. (The DD, not the new BM, rofl)

Maybe my story is rare. But it's my story. It's Abby's story. It's their story. It's OUR story. Its what we want, and like Mom said today, it's the way it HAS to be for us.

Chief and I

Mom and the girls

The wedding obviously

Me and the girls forever ago


It seems I need to scan more pics, LOL! Anywho. There you have it, Our story.

by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 1:44 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Group Admin on Aug. 7, 2010 at 2:01 AM

I agree that your story is one of the rare ones, and I think it is good that you know that. I hope that when you are advocating out in the public for adoption, you do acknowledge that your successful and extremely open adoption is rare.

I don't want to comment much on your story because certain aspects of it are very upsetting to me and make me feel very sad. I hope that others who do comment will use restraint and not feel a need to criticize and poke holes in your story. The fact that your children have all grown up together is extraordinary, and I am glad for you all that they had that opportunity.  Few of us have been as fortunate. 

by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 2:35 AM
Thanks for excercising restraint, then. Though, may I say, you can only poke holes in what is false? My story is true, whether it is approved of others in this group or not.
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by Bronze Member on Aug. 7, 2010 at 3:05 AM
There are also lots of things in this story that make me very sad :(

Wow!! No wonder the agency wants you to speak to other birthmoms, the part where you talk about feeling like a surrogate and sorry for screwing up their baby makes me wanna cry :( I am so sorry

xo Kirsten

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by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 3:11 AM
I am sorry I came in here defensive about our story. I didn't realize that so many birthmoms here regret their choice to do adoption. I love my baby girl with all that I am, but when I knew I wanted to go the adoption route, I knew what it could possibly entail. I had to consider her what she was...someone else's child, no matter how much she would always be mine, too. I cry when I tell my story. It sucks. It genuinely sucks, sometimes, to know that I made choices and ended up at a point in my life that I set myself up to have to make a choice like this. I hate seeing that so many women hurt so badly over their own choices. I had no idea, really.
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by Group Admin on Aug. 7, 2010 at 3:39 AM
Guess I didn't say that quite right....maybe poke holes in your story was not the best way to say what I meant. Kirsten was struck by some of the things that saddened me as well. It was some of your feelings that were sad to me.
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by Bronze Member on Aug. 7, 2010 at 7:35 AM

That is quite a story! It's great to see that your children all grow up together.   That is rare even in this group.  However, everyone sounds happy with the current situation even you and at least Abby gets to know you too.  I hope you have continue success as she grows up.

by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 9:01 AM
I am sorry that so many birthmoms are treated the way I have seen portrayed here in posts. Coercion is not acceptable. A woman should only give up her child if she "wants" to. Under very openly honest circumstances, no lies etc.

That being said, I think it is best I leave this group. Instead of the acceptance and bonding sisterhood I expected and welcomed, I have been treated with hostility for my feelings about my own adoption, and I just don't need that. I guess I was hoping I would be understood more. Thanks for sharing with me all the dark sides at least. I plan on doing some local research into it all for my own knowledge, and expressing my concerns with my friends at agencies.
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by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 10:28 AM

Starry ~ your story is beautiful.  What a wonderful open adoption.  I think that what a lot of us here have a problem with is the choice making ~ most of us here now view the "choice" we made as something completely different than we thought it was at the time.  As the years go by, you will know what I mean.

But I will say, IF adoption has to be the choice, how wonderful would it be if they could be like yours!  To be such a big part of each others lives, to be truly one big happy family.  I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be now if that had happened in my adoption story. 

If I may ask, if you are still coming here...  Does your daughter know her adoption story?  Do your girls consider each other "sisters"? 


by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 10:46 AM
Susie, yes, my daughters both know the story. Abby knows she grew in my tummy and that they are raising her. She knows her little sister is adopted, too.
I understand after reading other posts that you all (majority) feel the way you do. You are more than allowed your feelings, and in most cases, I find them justified. The stories are always heartbreaking on many levels, to be sure.

I am not looking for complete acceptance of my story, of my adoption. What I don't and won't tolerate are the opinions that I didn't know what I was doing, that they coerced me, or that I was uneducated to my options, etc etc. I was 22, it was almost 6 years ago, and I do not regret my choice. I may dislike circumstances of abuse, failed multiple forms of birth control, etc, that lead me to my choice, but in my heart of hearts, as much as it hurt to give a child that I love and carried and was MINE, to a couple I could not be 10000000% sure (because no one ever truly knows what goes on in the minds of others) would be everything they promised to be, I knew I was doing what I was called to do, and what was on my heart to do. They had nothing to do with my emotional state, and certainyl did not play up my emotional attachment. I was even very upset that due to college, I had to miss the official adoption proceedings, and didn't get to be there when she was finally theirs legally. I have not lost a child. Someone else is simply raising her for me. She can and most certainly does love myself, and her sister and brother as much as she loves them and their children. Just yesterday, she called me to tell me she misses her sister and mama, and wants us to come visit her. (I am 19 wks pregnant high risk, and on modified bed rrest til things are more stable, and a 3 hr car ride is not reccomended.) So they are coming down here when they get their house torn down to start rebuilding this week, since they have to be there for insurance adjusters to sign papers. 9house fire... Anywho. I will discuss this, I said I would. What I won't do is allo wmyself, or them to be attacked without understanding why we are who we are.
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by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 10:46 AM
Typos, on my phone, sorry.
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