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Another question for moms here

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 7:51 PM
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Following up on the question asked by myangelnevaeh today, I wondered about how mothers felt about their child, and the circumstances that led to the surrender.

- Did you love your baby?

- At any time (while pregnant, after having given birth, or after having recovered from birth)  did you realize you wanted to keep your baby?

- Did you feel you were not good enough for your baby, and that you had to go through with the adoption because your baby "deserved more"? 

- Did you have access to all the resources (money, support, daycare, paid maternity leave?) you needed in order to keep your baby? 

- Do you think the feelings of the adoptive parents affected your choice (e.g. worry about hurting htem, wanting to make them happy, etc.?)

by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 7:51 PM
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Replies (1-10):
kclarsh
by Bronze Member on Aug. 7, 2010 at 9:08 PM

I think my issue was I thought of myself as a birthmother rather than a mother.  I didn't let myself think about parenting her after we had chosen her parents (at 6 or 7 months pregnant) and "got the ball rolling" so to say.

Not that they were pressuring at all, I just gave up thinking of myself as able to be her mother...so I didn't think to change my mind.  This is just another thing that has come to the surface recently in my voyage. :) So much has come up out of these latest discussions for me that I have an overload on processing them... I almost feel like I need to take a break from this, but feel myself drawn here.

BeJuicy
by Bronze Member on Aug. 7, 2010 at 9:55 PM
Yes I love my baby, more than anything

No I never wanted to keep her. I still don't

No I know I was good enough, for me it was simply the desire to parent.

Yes I did, even though I am in college my boyfriend makes good money. In Canada too you get 1 year paid leave. It was never really that much about resources or money.

Absolutly not. I went into it knowing she was MY baby, I called the shots andto was lucky to find aparents who where ok with that. Her mom said to me " I could never take that baby knowing you wanted to keep it I have been through infertility and wanting MY baby and I would never wish that sort of pain on anyone" I allowed myself them freedom to change my mind up to the 10 days. I never wanted to but I knew they could find another baby, I could not.
socrzyblonde
by Bronze Member on Aug. 7, 2010 at 10:17 PM

*I loved my daughter more than anything the minute I knew I was pregnant with her.

*I wanted to keep her more than anything.

*I did not think I was good enough for her and knew she deserved more.

*I did not have access to any resources.

*And after meeting the couple we picked out, I did discuss with SW parenting her anyway and she constatnly told me to think about them and that I didn't want to hurt them bc I had gotten their hopes up.

 

drfink
by Silver Member on Aug. 8, 2010 at 1:12 AM

Yes from the moment I knew of my pregnancy.

Every moment I have known of him.

Yes I was made to feel others were much much more deserving and he deserved decent, moral parents.

No ,my bit of money ,cards ,checkbook and keys were taken while I slept.Then I was locked in an agency home.I was denied access to my small trust which in 1977 would have supported us while I finished college.Not in any form of luxury but enough.

No ,my only contact with adoptive parents was when we were paraded and forced us to have lunch with them so they could view us.

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Aug. 8, 2010 at 4:12 PM


Quoting Cedartrees4:

Following up on the question asked by myangelnevaeh today, I wondered about how mothers felt about their child, and the circumstances that led to the surrender.

- Did you love your baby? I've loved him since he was a blue stain on a pregnancy test.

- At any time (while pregnant, after having given birth, or after having recovered from birth)  did you realize you wanted to keep your baby? No

- Did you feel you were not good enough for your baby, and that you had to go through with the adoption because your baby "deserved more"?  No

- Did you have access to all the resources (money, support, daycare, paid maternity leave?) you needed in order to keep your baby?  Yes, and probably free or subsidised housing if I had been willing to go back to England.

- Do you think the feelings of the adoptive parents affected your choice (e.g. worry about hurting htem, wanting to make them happy, etc.?) No


Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Aug. 8, 2010 at 5:03 PM

and, so that everything is equal, these are my own answers to the questions:

- Did you love your baby?

Yes!!!

- At any time (while pregnant, after having given birth, or after having recovered from birth)  did you realize you wanted to keep your baby?

During the pregnancy, the reality of "having a baby' didn't sink in.   Then they took him away at birth, I was tied down flat, drugged, and they put up a sheet to prevent me from seeing him.  I was put into the gynecology ward to recover rather than the maternity ward, far away from any babies. :(    I was finally allowed to see him, for a few minutes, for the first time, when he was several days old, when a nurse gave me permission.  As soon as i saw him for the first time, i KNEW i wanted to keep him.  They then moved him to another hospital so I could not find him.

 

- Did you feel you were not good enough for your baby, and that you had to go through with the adoption because your baby "deserved more"? 

 I knew I was good enough. I had worked as a nanny for 2 yrs straight by that point, full-time during summer and 6 hrs per day during the school year, so i knew how to take care of children, including caring for a 12 week old infant. I knew I had what it took.  But no-one ever told me I had the right to keep him.

 I had been given messages all through my pregnancy that keeping him was NOT an option.

 

- Did you have access to all the resources (money, support, daycare, paid maternity leave?) you needed in order to keep your baby? 

No, there were no resouces.  I was 17, and told by the social wrecker (she lied) that welfare was only available to women who wer 19 and over.  My abusive parents told me i could NOT bring my baby home, so no place to live with him = no way to keep him.   = Financial coercion. I found out later that the social worked lied:  I could have been provided with housing and I am certain now that welfare existed -- i found out someone else who had been given it as a minor just 3 yrs prior (her baby was Asian, so considered "unmarketable" at the time).

- Do you think the feelings of the adoptive parents affected your choice (e.g. worry about hurting htem, wanting to make them happy, etc.?)

Question is inapplicable as there was no "choice."  

But one of the lectures my father gave me was that "Don't be selfish!  Think of that poor couple who cannot have children!" So, he made me feel as though THEY had more of a right to my baby than i did.  Plus they were married and I was not, and to my parents this was all that mattered.  Emotional coercion from my parents. My father even phoned my ex-fiance to ask him if he would do the right thing and marry me (he refused).

No-one ever told me I had the right to keep my baby.  No-one ever told me I had that option.

 

susie703
by on Aug. 8, 2010 at 7:34 PM


Quoting Cedartrees4:

- Did you love your baby?

Yes!!!

- At any time (while pregnant, after having given birth, or after having recovered from birth)  did you realize you wanted to keep your baby?

I always wanted to parent him, but knew that I couldn't.  I refused to raise a baby in the hateful home I was growing up in (I was only 15).  I HATED my home life, did not want an innocent baby to have to suffer the same life.


- Did you feel you were not good enough for your baby, and that you had to go through with the adoption because your baby "deserved more"? 

 I knew that I would be a great mom.  Yes, I was very young, but I have always loved babies & children.  I babysat from the age of 10, was very independent & mature for my age.  I did feel that I was not good enough in that I was living in a hateful home, my babies father was nowhere to be found ~ so I would have been a single parent, and I was still a student in high school.  So yes. I felt my baby deserved a mom & a dad in a loving home.  Parents that were ready to be parents.

- Did you have access to all the resources (money, support, daycare, paid maternity leave?) you needed in order to keep your baby? 

No, there were no resouces.  I was only 15, couldn't leave home at that age & finish school. 

- Do you think the feelings of the adoptive parents affected your choice (e.g. worry about hurting htem, wanting to make them happy, etc.?)

Like Cedar, the question is inapplicable as there was no "choice."   It was the days of closed adoptions.  He went to the next family on the list.



Lilia68
by on Aug. 8, 2010 at 9:04 PM

Did you love your baby?  Yes. 

At any time (while pregnant, after having given birth, or after having recovered from birth) did you realize you wanted to keep your baby?

I desperately wanted to parent my daughter.

- Did you feel you were not good enough for your baby, and that you had to go through with the adoption because your baby "deserved more"? -

My daughter went into interim care.  At the time I was mourning but I was told that if I could withstand the mourning I should --- if I could get through that initial period, it would get easier and easier and eventually, it would be OK for me and MUCH better for her.  I believed that she would be better off with two loving, stable parents and I could give her that.

Did you have access to all the resources (money, support, daycare, paid maternity leave?) you needed in order to keep your baby? -

It would not have been easy but I really had everything I needed to take care of my daughter.  

Do you think the feelings of the adoptive parents affected your choice (e.g. worry about hurting htem, wanting to make them happy, etc.?)

The parents were not informed until the agency was quite sure that I would not change my mind.  However, I was well versed in how much loss adopting families had already suffered and that, in many cases, it was God's will for them to become parents in this way.  

blessedwboysx3
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2010 at 2:55 PM

Did you love your baby? YES!

- At any time (while pregnant, after having given birth, or after having recovered from birth)  did you realize you wanted to keep your baby? I teetered back and forth the whole time I was pregnant and afterwards.

- Did you feel you were not good enough for your baby, and that you had to go through with the adoption because your baby "deserved more"?   Yes I suppose I did, I felt that love alone wasn't enough for him, I wanted him to have more than I could give him.

- Did you have access to all the resources (money, support, daycare, paid maternity leave?) you needed in order to keep your baby?   No access to anything, my parents threatened to kick me out, told me they wouldn't help in anyway, I was HS and I couldn't work because the nearest job was 20 miles away and my parents wouldn't let me use their car and I had no money to buy my own, I couldn't get assistance from Social Services (not even medicaid for the baby) because I lived at home and my parents income needed to be included in the overall assests.  I was completely without resources.

- Do you think the feelings of the adoptive parents affected your choice (e.g. worry about hurting htem, wanting to make them happy, etc.?) Absolutely - they were everything I wanted for my child, they treated me better than my own parents and at the time I was religious and believed it was destiny or something, It wasn't until after they stopped contact that I realized it was all BS...

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 9, 2010 at 5:15 PM

Yes, I fell in love with my baby while feeling him move inside me. I used to talk to him. I wouldn't let myself think about keeping him. I thought he deserved more than I could give. I didn't have any way to keep him, that I knew of then. I had pleasant thoughts of giving a couple a child who wasn't able to have their own.

those pleasant thoughts stayed with me until at 32 years old he found me, and all the real truth hit me in the gut. I know the truth of what I've done has caused. I can't reverse it. It's very sad.

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