Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

My Adoption Journey....

Posted by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 3:39 PM
  • 54 Replies
  • 2555 Total Views



Iam 27 weeks pregnant and i have chosen adoption for my son. I spent an amazing 3 days with the family. They are the most amazing people I could not have made a better choice. And I met them here on cafe mom!

by on Sep. 28, 2010 at 3:39 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
BeJuicy
by Bronze Member on Sep. 28, 2010 at 4:13 PM
You could have made a better choice- kept your baby.

It's a living hell, I wish someone had told me before I placed how much it was going to hurt. Your chances of being at peace with your decision and not regreting it are very slim. I'm just saying.

I really hope you look around this group, you can really learn a lot from these ladies. Please, before you make the final decision. How old are you? What made you decide on adoption? Do you have support from family to keep your son? I'm sorry but I'm just trying to help you, trust me you do not want to live like this.

Are you looking into open adoption? Did you know they are not legally enforceable? As nice and amazing as they are now they could take your baby and run, ecspecially since you met them here. Sounds a little sketchy. 27 weeks is still so early to make the final decision. Give your self the time and freedom to change your mind. Just because you picked a family don't feel obligated to give them your son. He is your son untill you sign those papers and you are in control.

Message me if you ever need to talk. I am just so sorry :(

xo Kirsten
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
blessedwboysx3
by Bronze Member on Sep. 28, 2010 at 4:47 PM

My first reaction was similiar to Bejuicy, I don't feel comfortable saying Congrats or I'm happy for you, but I do hope that happiness and the feelings of contentment with your choice carry with you for a lifetime (for some it simply doesn't).

I felt the same way when I met my child's adopted parents and even for many years afterwards.  Unfortunately that started to change for me, and I would never wish that same pain on anyone.

I noticed you and the adoptive mother look a lot alike, I find that interesting.  (That was one of the things I looked for as well in a couple to adopte my child)

I hope you do take some time to read the posts in the group to get a feel for what some of us have gone through, if nothing else to simply prepare yourself for what could happen.  The biggest regret I have is not realizing that my son was my son until I signed the papers, I can't stress this enough - don't let anyone tell you different. 

Good luck on your journey.

 

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Sep. 28, 2010 at 11:50 PM

I wish I knew something positive to say to you, I really do. Unfortunately, nothing you said gives me any joy or positive feelings.  I hate the idea that families match for adoption here on Cafemom for starters.  Plus, the idea that you may not raise your baby makes me very sad.  

Also, any family who is wooing you in hopes that you will give them your baby to raise is generally putting their best foot forward and may do all they can to seem amazing.  Not saying they aren't wonderful people, but, only time will tell.

Hopefully, you know that the decision to relinquish must be made twice, once before and once again the birth.  Birth changes everything,  I hope you keep an open heart and mind about this monumental decision and educate yourself as thoroughly as possible about adoption.  You can learn a lot here. We have moms with many different opinions on adoption and you can benefit from hearing them all.

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Sep. 29, 2010 at 2:52 AM

I am sorry to hear that your son is going to lose you, and you are going to forever lose your son.  I know it may seem now that you won't feel loss or regret, but when we are separated from our child by adoption, the loss consumes us.  the grief can take every waking moment. and, often our children later on will ask us why they were not good enough to keep, why we did not love them enough to put all other considerations aside and make a life for us and them together.   rejected, abandoned, given away -- those are the terms that an adoptee who posted on my FB wall used today. open adoption often just produces a different type of pain.

if you do not mind me asking, why have you judged yourself to be unfit to be a mother?  why do you feel that others deserve your baby more than you do?  why do you believe you will be so much of  a danger to your child that your child must be separated from you for his own sake?  :(  you do not look unfit, you look like a loving mother.  why do you feel you need to lose your child?

also, has anyone advised you that 27 wks is too soon to make any decisions regarding adoption?  that a decision of this magnitude should be made post-birth, preferably once you have recovered from birth? there is no need to commit yourself to adoption while still pregnant -- prebirth "matching" is done for one reason: because it increases the chance that a mother will surrender her baby.   it affects her decision-making.  has anyone told you of this risk yet?

HereWeGoAgain9
by Silver Member on Sep. 29, 2010 at 7:30 AM
At 27 weeks, I too felt sure about adoption for my baby boy. I flip flopped during my pregnancy, but there were definitely times I felt certain. And meeting PAPs only "helped" me feel more sure.
Birth does change everything! My son is 3 weeks old now & he's mine all mine. I couldn't be happier.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Ang1973
by Member on Sep. 29, 2010 at 4:51 PM

Ladies...can't we just support her no matter what she decides to do? It is her choice, and yes...we can counsel her to get her to try and raise her son on her own, but it is her choice. If she chooses adoption and is not being coerced into it, then let's just support her no matter what her decision end up being.

I just wanted to tell you that I commend you for doing what you think is best for you and your son, if that's what you ultimely decide to do. It's not an easy choice. In fact, it will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but I just wanted to lend you my support no matter what your decision ends up being.

 

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Sep. 29, 2010 at 5:10 PM

"If she chooses adoption and is not being coerced into it,"

I have NO problem at all with anyone deciding on adoption if they are not being coerced -- that is what adoption should be for.   but that cannot be said for the position she is already in.  the coercion is already there.   she is still pregnant, is involved with adoptive parents, and therefore her percentage chance of making a totally non-influenced decision once she has recovered post-birth is now unfortunately next to zero.  the evidence is already there that she has been influenced in such a way as to severely decrease the chance she will keep her baby and increase the pressure on her to surrender.  

by what she has told us, unfortunately, she is at a high risk for systemic emotional coercion, with her relationship with the adoptive parents and the fact she is stil pregnant both affecting her decision-making process. plus we do not know what coercive measure the "adoption professionals" involved in her case have been using.  very few agencies do not engage in coercion, because if they refrained from it, they would go out of business and $25,000 per baby is a huge incentive to violate ethical boundaries.

If she chooses adoption by giving informed consent in a non-coerced environment without any coercive factors or fraud affecting her decision, then I fully support her.  but, the clues she has given us indicate she is at risk, and the best thing i can do to support her is to try to make her aware of this risk.  wouldn't any friend warn another abou any risk, danger, or fraud?  friends help other friends to stay safe.  :)

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Sep. 29, 2010 at 7:19 PM


Quoting Ang1973:

Ladies...can't we just support her no matter what she decides to do? It is her choice, and yes...we can counsel her to get her to try and raise her son on her own, but it is her choice. If she chooses adoption and is not being coerced into it, then let's just support her no matter what her decision end up being.

I just wanted to tell you that I commend you for doing what you think is best for you and your son, if that's what you ultimely decide to do. It's not an easy choice. In fact, it will be the hardest thing you will ever have to do, but I just wanted to lend you my support no matter what your decision ends up being.


I will support her when she comes back here after she relinquishes. But I cannot, will not, support a child being separated from it's original mother.

Plus, I think that warning her about the terrible mistake she's about to make is supporting her. I wish someone had supported me when I was about to do it!

susie703
by on Sep. 29, 2010 at 7:38 PM

I agree with OTT.  How I wish someone had been around to tell me the truth about giving my son up for adoption. 

Nobody will fully understand what a great loss that is, until living that life themselves.  I pray that this OP isn't back in several months trying to cope with a loss greater than she ever imagined. 

Ang1973
by Member on Sep. 29, 2010 at 10:23 PM
I don't disagree with any of you on this subject. I just wanted the O/P to know that we are here for her no matter what her choice is. We don't know the circumstances of her situation and would hate for our posts to scare her away and not post here again. That's all I'm trying to say.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)