Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

I'm new to this group...sorry so long...Update

Posted by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 10:36 AM
  • 13 Replies
  • 489 Total Views

 I just joined a day or two ago...I am looking for a non-judgemental group of mothers in similar situations to mine who can support me through my process and who can guide me through the grieving process of an adoption.

Here is some of my story;

Back in 2006, two weeks after my 21st birthday my bf (now DH) and I found out after 3 1/2 months of dating that I was pregnant. We discussed our options and decided on adoption...well until we went to the agency...I was NOT picking a family out of a book...I was going to work three jobs to keep this baby. Long story short...my then BF met a man (how two men start talking about babies IDK) but they did and it came to be that this man and his wife were prospective adoptive parents...I wasn't not thrilled at all when he told me he found a couple...I was furious actually. Well he calmed me down and we discussed it and I agreed to have lunch and talk to them. Well God had other plans for us. I liked them...A LOT! A few days later I went to bf's house and he had a letter for me...from the man's wife. I read it and I cried! She was EVERYTHING I wanted to be for my sweet baby. She was perfect! Bf and I talked for a while and we decided they were the perfect parents for our baby. So when we decided we were going to find out the sex of the baby THEN ask them to go to dinner and let them know our decision. That was a really great day! We found out we were having a beautiful baby girl...the woman always wanted a baby girl! God had a plan! The bought us dinner after we all laughed, cried, and hugged. Then as we were walking around the mall, the men were walking behind us and this beautiful woman and I started talking about names...(this is another reason I know God was involved) we had the exact same first name picked out for a girl! I cried more! Then she told us she wanted bf and I to pick out her middle name! For the remainder or my pregnancy I often wen shopping with her, we hung out, and really got to know each other. Fast forward to the best moment of my life...My beautiful daughter was born Thanksgiving morning, I allowed her adoptive mother to be present during the birth!

Now four years later... My daughters father and I have been happily married for a year raising his son (who is almost 8) and we still get to see her and spend hours upon hours with her and her wonderful parents! I am so blessed that God put that couple in our life when He did.

This past Sunday I had a HUGE melt down and after talking to a lady I realized I NEVER gave myself time to grieve properly. After talking to DH I just figured that seeing her and being a part of her life I wouldn't need that time...Man was I wrong. Sunday I felt like my entire world was crashing down around me, the walls felt like they were closing in on me...it was the worst episode I have had since the day we left the hospital.

That is why I am looking for some guidance...so if you can help PLEASE all help is welcome! Sorry it is so long!

**Sorry for the confusion! My daughter's biological IS my husband!**

by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 10:36 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
blessedwboysx3
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2010 at 12:52 PM

My experience is slightly different from yours, but I did finally break down when my son was about 14 (once all communication from his mother stopped).  I hard a very hard time with process myself once I came out of my denial (which is what I was in for 14 years).

In order to help heal myself I sought out counseling and found a wonderful therapist that helped me work through a lot of the feelings I was going through.  I cried when I needed to cry and I screamed when I needed to scream.  I have a lot of other mental health issues some related to my adoption journey and others not, however ultimately I felt that counseling has helped guide through the issues I faced. 

It's important to grieve and to do it properly.  I personally and honestly don't think the feelings of loss or sadness ever fully go away, I still have moments of great sadness, but I have learned to cope better than before. 

I wish I had more to offer in the way of guidance, but I know without my counselor I wouldn't have made it through everything that I have.

I have never felt any judgement here, and I hope you find this group full of many wonderful mothers that can provide lots of comfort and advice.   

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Dec. 9, 2010 at 1:14 PM

for me the greif didn't hit for 17 years. I went to a therapist who specializes in adoption and joined a support group. Which city do you live in? Maybe we can find a group for you.

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Dec. 9, 2010 at 1:17 PM

I am a bit uncertain that I understand part of your story.  Are you now married to the birth father of your daughter and raising his child from another relationship? 

Did you get my email with some suggestions re finding a counselor?

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2010 at 1:22 PM

Welcome to our group. I'm glad you found us. Grief seems to come in waves. It has been 22 years for me and I still go through periods of utter dispair. It is okay to grieve and to grieve throughout your life. You have lost your child and even though you have contact with her, she does not know you as mommy. For me, it was and is a life sentence.

vampporcupine


raised mom to 2, first mom to 1

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Dec. 9, 2010 at 4:22 PM

BUMP!

susie703
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 5:33 PM

Welcome to our group!  I hope you are able to find some answers here.  I know that this place was a life saver for me when I was first in reunion and wondering if I was finally losing my mind. 

No matter how "wonderful" your adoption story is, it is still first and foremost a story of loss.  I lived in deep denial until reunion ~ almost 30 years.  I'm still trying to unbury the deep grief and loss I spent decades hiding from. 

I think you will find that for a lot of us, even though our stories are in some ways completely different, there is a lot that is so very much the same.  It helped me just knowing that there were others out there that really understood how I felt.

(((hugs)))

Susie

Gracie06
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 6:19 PM

Welcome to the group! I am one of the adoptees of the group and find being here really educational and some how healing and at the same time new aspects of support.......hope you find the same.

My question to you ...if i am following ur story correctly  is....Your dh was your boyfriend when you got pregnant with your daughter ...AND you 2 are raising his son from another relationship?  Did I read it right? 

Gracie06
by on Dec. 9, 2010 at 6:20 PM


Quoting Southernroots:

I

Quote:

am a bit uncertain that I understand part of your story.  Are you now married to the birth father of your daughter and raising his child from another relationship? 


Did you get my email with some suggestions re finding a counselor?

me too?

Hannah

BeJuicy
by Bronze Member on Dec. 9, 2010 at 7:46 PM
Welcome to the group!

I'm a birthmom to a 14 month old little girl. She's soo cute and I love her soo much. I have an open adoption as well, I haven't been to see her yet. But the offer is still open, I'm just waiting untill I feel ready. But I get new pics all the time, at least once a month!

I'm sorry your having a hard time, I know how you feel. If there's anything you need feel free to PM me.

xo Kirsten
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
HereWeGoAgain9
by Silver Member on Dec. 9, 2010 at 9:00 PM
Welcome :) thank you for sharing your story w us. I'm an adoptee who made an adoption plan for my now 3 month old son, but ended up parenting him instead. I hope you gain lots of support here, just as I & so many others have :)
Sydney xo
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)