Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Feeling depressed lately.

Posted by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 4:57 PM
  • 18 Replies
  • 514 Total Views

And I think I know why.  First of all, I'm Jen, 26, married and a mom to 2 boys (2.5 & 7mo).  I'm just going to dive right in cause I really don't know what else to do....  I'm probably not the typical story.

I was 16 when I got pregnant and the father wanted nothing to do with the child.  That was fine with me.  I was waiting to tell my sister (12 yrs older), whom I lived with, until after her wedding.  Well she found out before hand and didn't tell me that she did.  After she and her husband got back from their honeymoon, she accused me of all these awful things and then sent me to a home for pregnant teens.  I felt alone and thrown away.  Well I have the baby, everything is fine, then PPD starts to set in.    I kept telling my sister (who had no children at the time) that I needed help, something wasn't right, I didn't feel well.  I didn't have insurance and was calling all around to get help.  Nothing.  Finally I when the baby was about 6mo, I went to live with my mom and the ppd got even worse.  My mom tried getting me help, but in all honesty, she should have had me committed... still no insurance though.  Well my sister thinks that it is best if the child gets adopted.  So one day she comes and gets him... then decides he should stay in the family and she should adopt him. 

Then I thought I was doing the right thing for him.  I was told I couldn't care for him and that he would have a better life.  I still thought this until recently.  I don't know why, but I feel like he was taken.. I don't feel I was given a chance.... I felt I didn't have a choice. I don't know if it just took me this long to realize it... if it's because I have two boys now... I don't know.

When I was visiting in October, I guess he was quieter then usual and my sister said he felt left out or something.  I wanted to talk to him and offered to talk to him, but she said she would.  I don't know what they have discussed with him or what he knows.  When he was about 3 he said "Auntie Jen, did you know I came from your belly?"  But that was at 3, he's now almost 9. 

I will continue in a bit... I have so many thoughts, I think I may end up not making sense

by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 4:57 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Apr. 13, 2011 at 5:29 PM


Quoting LoveOfWisdom:
  I was told I couldn't care for him and that he would have a better life.  I still thought this until recently.  I don't know why, but I feel like he was taken..

I know why you feel this way, and maybe deep in our heart you know too:  it is because he was taken.  You have every right to feel this way.  Your sister had NO right to do this to you.  At the same time, you had the right to proper medical treatment for a medical condition. You are right, there WAS no choice.

I don't feel I was given a chance.... I felt I didn't have a choice. I don't know if it just took me this long to realize it... if it's because I have two boys now... I don't know.

It often takes us a long time to "wake up" to the fact that we didn't ahve a choice.  This is so common in fact, that natural mothers often use the phrase "coming out of the fog" to describe it.  I think that the trauma of the loss of a child can cause us to go into a state of shock/numbness as a form of emotional protection -- our bodies protecting us from the pain. But the numbness can only go on for so long.

Welcome to the group.  You have found a great and supportive group of mothers who understand.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Apr. 13, 2011 at 5:46 PM

 Oh hun, this is horrible. Your baby was taken from you. You are what we call "coming out of the fog". You're baby was taken, essentially kidnapped, and then you were told you were doing the right thing for him when in fact you were just doing what you were told to do and made to feel like you were a peice of shit for wanting your own baby. It doesn't matter if family stole your child or and agency. Its all the same. You are entitled to feel how you feel. We're all here with similar stories just a few different details.

Just a footnote: my sister had ppd for 2 years and was actually drugging my nephew. She lives in another province but her doctor called me to ask if I would take him, which of course I said that I would. I would have raised my nephew WITHOUT adopting him for as long as it took for her to be able to parent in a healthy way. Luckily, she was committed for only about a week and was able to function afterward. She is a good mother to him today

vampporcupine


raised mom to 2, first mom to 1

LoveOfWisdom
by Member on Apr. 13, 2011 at 6:34 PM

So how do I stop feeling this way... I guess guilt?  My sister and I don't have a good relationship.  She's one of those "I know everything" type people... I've tried having her go to counseling with me (when I lived near her), but she didn't see a point.  I'm afraid to bring up the topic and her cut off ties.  I mean I almost never talk to her, but it just scares me.

And then when I am around him, I don't know what to do...

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Apr. 13, 2011 at 7:40 PM

 

Quoting LoveOfWisdom:

So how do I stop feeling this way... I guess guilt?  My sister and I don't have a good relationship.  She's one of those "I know everything" type people... I've tried having her go to counseling with me (when I lived near her), but she didn't see a point.  I'm afraid to bring up the topic and her cut off ties.  I mean I almost never talk to her, but it just scares me.

And then when I am around him, I don't know what to do...

 The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. This is very hard to do because as an adult, we know that what was doner and how it was handled was wrong. But as a naive young woman who puts trust into others, we are taken advantage of. The story you have laid out on here is very clear that you needed some medical attention and vultures saw an oppotunity to take your baby. This is not your fault. You were and are a victim. Acknowledging your lack of control over the situation will help you to get over any guilt you have.

Your sister, ugh, the sister I told you about in the previous reply is of the same makeup as yours. In fact, my sister was elated that my mother didn't help me keep my daughter. I would stop focusing on her and focus on YOUR son. See if you can email, write letters and include him in family outings.

LoveOfWisdom
by Member on Apr. 13, 2011 at 8:30 PM
:( I wish it was that simple.
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Apr. 13, 2011 at 9:20 PM

 

Quoting LoveOfWisdom:

:( I wish it was that simple.

 Which part? The getting more time with your son or in facing reality that your son was taken?

susie703
by on Apr. 13, 2011 at 9:58 PM

You weren't given a chance.  You weren't given a choice.  

I know how hard it is to realize that something you have believed for years as being one thing turns out to be something completely different.   It is not uncommon to believe in the goodness of adoption for several years, or several decades, before realizing the extent of the loss that adoption brought into your life. 

I can't even begin to imagine how much harder it is to "come out of the fog" when it is your own family who has your son.  When it was your own family who failed to see that you were in extreme need of help, causing you to lose your son to your sister.  

I'm glad you found us here.  For me this place was a life saver.  To find people who knew what I was going through.  Who helped me see that the feelings and thoughts I was beginning to have about the loss of my son were NORMAL, that it wasn't that I was finally really going crazy.  

As V said: YOU were and are still a victim.  Please try to believe that you are not at fault here.  You were down, you were weak, and the adoption lies were used against you.  

I hope you are able to find some help and comfort here.  There are many wise women here who have great advice and resources for you.  

LoveOfWisdom
by Member on Apr. 14, 2011 at 1:09 AM

Everything I guess... I'm just so confused.  On one hand I am happy I know where he is and I can find out how he is doing with a phone call, and I know he is being raised well and has two awesome younger siblings (sisters kids).  But on the flip side, I am just so angry, and even more angry that I can't say a damn thing without the fear of completely being cut off.

Quoting vampporcupine:

 

Quoting LoveOfWisdom:

:( I wish it was that simple.

 Which part? The getting more time with your son or in facing reality that your son was taken?


LoveOfWisdom
by Member on Apr. 14, 2011 at 1:11 AM

I really want to browse and participate in the forum, but this is all so fresh to me and I'm not sure where to start.  I tried, but I just got overwhelmed. 

Do any of you see counselors or talk with your spouse?  I want to just let it all out, but my husband doesn't understand and isn't sure what to say.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Apr. 14, 2011 at 1:17 AM

Only mothers who have lost a child to adoption seem to understand. Family doesn't want to hear about it usually because even tho they are the ones guilty of seperating us from our children, they still spout that it was our "choice". 

I had a lot of couselling. None worked except the last woman I saw.  

Are you in Canada or USA?

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)