Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Dont know what to think or feel anymore. ****Added to post

Posted by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:43 AM
  • 15 Replies
  • 510 Total Views

Hello everyone. I have been a member here for about 4 yrs now. I dont post much but I do come in often.  I dont have anywhere else to turn to right now because no one understands it.

Next sat the 11th, is the annual picnic. This is the first visit I have decided not to go. I want to sooooo badly since I only get to see her once a yr at the picnic for 4 hours.  They dont email anymore and we dont met up any-other time.

I have dreamed of a relationship that is NEVER gonna happen for her adoptive parents and I. I am trying to come to terms with it and it sucks.

I didnt decide not to go this year because I want to be mean or anything but every-time I go, I get all upset and emotional about placing her and it just boils over into my life in other areas. I get more angry and my bf (also her bio-father) and I start fighting a lot b.c he hasnt accepted it either. He, as most men do, have this out of sight, out of mind concept. And it doesnt work for me. So I find myself harppingon him to feel as emotional about it as I do, and he wont break down and let me see it. He will just tell me he regrets placing her and that he deals with it in his own way. Its so hard for me to accept that.

I feel that i must pull away in order to get myself together and to be able to handle the visits later. I dont always want to cry my eyes out when I see her and relive ALL THAT PAIN every time either. I have a full time job, I have two other children and I am trying to get things together for school and to buy a house . I cant let the depression creep into my daily life or I will just become numb to everything and never more forward and miss out on my two children.

I just wish things were sooooo different. Im not looking forward to the 11th. My heart will def be heavy that day.

*******Added to post after reading the replys******************

Thank you everyone for the comments and concerns.  I totally get what you guys are saying. Even though they arent as open as I would like, they (the adoptive parents) would never tell me that we couldnt keep our annual visits. I know them well enough to feel 100%  confidentin that.  We may not meet in a private setting and have private time together but I do KNOW that we will always meet at the picnic. I am having trouble dealing with that. I have figure for the past couple of years that this year might be different and they would want to do something a bit more privately but I have come to terms that it just isntgoing to happen. Ive never really dealt with the placement and I dont know if this is the "right" way to handle it but I just need some space right now. I know my daughter will ALWAYS know who I am, I have no fear or doubts about next years visit. I just wish it wasntso short and far between. Thanks you all for the support. I hate to sound so ungrateful when soooo many of you dont have any contact.

TabithaFinished.gif picture by motherof4and2

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 11:43 AM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
by Silver Member on Jun. 4, 2011 at 3:04 PM

 Tabitha, I don't even know what to say or how to answer this. I beleive that knowing you, even once per year, is beneficial to your daughter. Only you can know what your limits are. Pretending she doesn't exist is a temporary solution and will not "fix" you. You cannot bend to what feels more comfortable for your bf, becasue what works for him may not work for you.

I'm so sorry you are feeling so torn. If it were me, I would go. The pain of never seeing my daughter since she was 4 days old is horrific also.

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 5:59 PM

Oh Tabitha ~ I am so sorry.  I completely understand how you feel.  I really don't know if I could have had an open adoption.  It would have life-changing to have been able to know if he was still alive, healthy and happy, but I don't know if I could have survived seeing him and leaving him again. 

I went into very deep denial after losing my son to adoption 32 years ago, and paid the price for that when reunited two years ago.  I know that as hard as it would have been to see him as he was growing up, in the long run it would have been better for both of us if we had had that opportunity. 

If you are unable to go, would your daughters aparents exchange letters so you can all fill each other in on your lives?  Maybe if you can communicate thru writing and photos while you take a break from an in-person visit it would help? 

I hope you can find some peace in whatever you decide to do.  My heart goes out to you.

by on Jun. 4, 2011 at 8:12 PM

Tabitha, HUGS, I can only imagine what that day would be like:(  You have so much to offer her, and not going is NOT an option(well it is, just like surrendering it is not a good one).  She is getting older, and as such will have greater memories.  IMHO, it is not fair to her to just "take a break'.  If you do not go, imagine a full year longer of not knowing, as well as what her adopters may assume and then further actions on their part may be?????  I cannot tell you what you should do, however, I do think you already know.  Once a bell rings, there is no 'unringing it"...Once a Mother one cannot be an "unmother'.   I hope things become a little clearer.  Men (no offense to your S.O.) are kind of different in their 'wiring'...they simply cannot process things in the same way we do.  The same goes for the way you and I would process the same thing , differently, it just cannot be.  I think you will do whats best for your daughter;)  Many Blessings,CJ~

by Bronze Member on Jun. 4, 2011 at 8:35 PM

I do understand needing to step away from the pain, but I think you'll regret not going..I know how hard it is not feeling supported by the 1 person who is supposed to be there for you. I don't think you can force your boyfriend to outwardly be as emotional as you are. It's a guy thing. My husband thinks I should just, simply forget the sadness, and be happy. If only it were that simple. He's finally willing to listen, when I need him.

I hope you change your mind and go, for you and your daughter's sake.

by Silver Member on Jun. 4, 2011 at 10:25 PM
This is so very sad & difficult to know how to answer. I understand needing to protect yourself from the tailspin which follows the yearly visits. But I don't know that not going will prevent that either. It's your once yearly chance... Whet if not going causes an even deeper depression?
But beyond that, I think she needs you to be there. How old is your daughter? Even if she's very young, she will grow up & realize that you could be counted on. You were always there no matter how it hurt for you. As an adoptee myself, i try & understand that my bmom won't have a relationship w me due to so much pain, but IF she would, it would mean the world to me! Had a known that all these years she kept coming for me, I imagine I'd feel so much more whole!
Whatever you decide, you'll be supported. But I'd like to encourage you to try & fake it to make it, be there for her.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by Gold Member on Jun. 4, 2011 at 10:43 PM

I'm so sorry.

by Group Admin on Jun. 5, 2011 at 1:31 AM

There is an option besides going there and then falling apart and not going. Can you find a way to go and not have it be so hard for you?  I think saying goodbye will always be hard, but won't you regret not going?

Reliving the pain will likely happen, and you will hurt, whether you see her or not.  But, is denying yourself seeing her really going to help you?  I have to wonder.  

By the way, I think the idea of a once a year 4 hour picnic, while more than some moms ever get,  sounds sad.  Is this the agency's annual event and their idea of an open adoption?  I am so sorry for your pain, and that the aparents have not kept their promises to you.

by New Member on Jun. 5, 2011 at 10:17 AM

Hi, I can't imagine how this would feel.  I am surprised that with an open adoption you do not receive consistent letters and updates. If you did the four hour picnic would not be so difficult.  How incredible to have the opportunity to see her every year.  I have not seen my son for 25 years and he does not want contact, I think you are so fortunate.  You get to see her run, smile, and giggle.  Are you able to find a therapist who could be there to support you before and after the picnic?  Just some thoughts.  Another thought, I wonder if your daughter would feel very hurt if you don't show up.  HMMM hugs to you, I hope it all works out.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 5, 2011 at 12:36 PM

Tabitha - I understand how you feel.  I am in reunion with my 35 year old son.  Started off great - now it is "pity" invites to occasions only.  No emails, pictures (he has a son), quips on FB, nothing.  I was not going to go to his little guys birthday party THIS AFTERNOON (in 2 hours actually and here I am needing to connect with the ladies here), but after a lot of soul searching, I am going to plaster on a smile and go.  I always have the hope that maybe this time it will change .... then I come home, and I fall apart, head into a depression, get jealous of his afamily, the whole 9 yards.  But, I guess the message here is that if I chose not to go, it would be the end of our relationship - they would simply stop inviting me and then I would be hurt for a different reason.  Adoption and reunions are hurtful for us, no matter which way they play out - that is the nature of the adoption beast.  At least this way, I get to see him one more time ...  It will never be the reunion or the relationship I had dreamed of or hope for, but I would rather have a little piece of him than nothing at all.  Please reconsider going, know how you will feel after and plan to be busy (like I am doing next week) to keep your mind off things.  Good luck sweetie.

by Bronze Member on Jun. 5, 2011 at 3:20 PM

I can understand how difficult it must be after seeing her for only 4 hours and then saying goodbye, yes, depression would set in.  I agree with the other posters, reconsider your decision, make sure you really don't want to go.  I would think missing out on this chance may trigger emotions as well.  We'll always be here for you for support no matter what you decide. Thinking of you for this Saturday.

Bubbly54 - I'm glad you decided to go! I know what a rough time  you had at your son's wedding and then the other party afterward.  Yes, continue to go and I can see why you would think that if you don't go they'll stop inviting you. I'd be afraid of that too.  Hope you enjoy the little guys bday and the time with him.  Let us know how it goes.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)