Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

How/when do i tell my dd she has an older adopted brother.....

Posted by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 12:30 PM
  • 19 Replies
  • 872 Total Views

i she is only 3 imention it everytime i get an mail from adoptive parents which is 2 or 3 times a year but when will my dd understand. he is 6 now and he knows he has a birthmom and a half sis

by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 12:30 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
ceejay1
by on Jul. 8, 2011 at 1:06 PM

 KARMA, Many yesterdays ago, would have been best:)  Start by talking to her now, age appropriate of course.  Children NEED to be able to trust us as their parents, and to have "secrets' does not live by example.  It is never too late, go slow, and answer all questions that may arise, again age appropriation:)  You can do this, and she will understand better than you think.  Might I suggest pulling out some pictures, this would be most helpful, and maybe framing a few for her to see on the wall ,that way if her brother is ever on her mind she will be able to see the photos and feel like she can ask:)   Good Luck,CJ~

~CJ1~
karma368
by New Member on Jul. 8, 2011 at 1:11 PM


Quoting ceejay1:

 KARMA, Many yesterdays ago, would have been best:)  Start by talking to her now, age appropriate of course.  Children NEED to be able to trust us as their parents, and to have "secrets' does not live by example.  It is never too late, go slow, and answer all questions that may arise, again age appropriation:)  You can do this, and she will understand better than you think;)  Good Luck,CJ~


Thank you your so right its never too late to start right

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Jul. 8, 2011 at 2:03 PM

Just keep mentioning it. She'll get it.

blessedwboysx3
by Bronze Member on Jul. 8, 2011 at 2:39 PM

I told my boys from a very young age, I first shared pictures.  I always pulled out photo albums of family and friends so it wasn't any different when I showed them pictures of their oldest brother.  I talked about him by sharing what was in letters that came, and eventually they caught on.  They pieced together that he was their brother, by my words explaining I had a baby and couldn't care for him so I gave him to a family that could.  That being said however, the questions just kept on coming from about age 4 on. 

They still ask questions occassionally and they are 16 and 13.  

The sooner the better I say. 

Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jul. 8, 2011 at 8:10 PM

I actually am on the other side of the fence on this one.  Telling her, without her being able to see and know her older brother, may not be in her best interest.   She will be on the other side of  "The Wall."

I suggest before you tell her, you read Terri Enbourge's article, "The Wall"  at http://www.cafemom.com/group/4974/forums/read/13199665/Article_The_Wall_Open_Adoption_by_T_Enbourge

"When the openness ends, however long or short a period it has lasted, left-behind birthsiblings are left with a multitude of unanswered questions and a truckload of unresolvable grief."

You have NO control over how much contact the adoptive parents will permit, or if they will shut off contact alltogether.  You and your daughter are totally powerless.  Your daughter may want to see her brother, and won't understand why she cannot. 

Not only that, but is she going to understand why you gave him away?  And will she think that if the going gets tough, you will give HER away as well?  These are the insecurities of the kept child.  They do NOT understand this artificial process called "adoption" because it defies all the laws of nature.

I did not tell my other three children about their brother until after we had reunited and I was confident that he was not going to walk away (I was wrong).  When he DID end our reunion a year later (due to emotional abuse/blackmail from his adopters), it devastated his younger siblings.   I was very glad that he decided four months later to defy those he calls his "captors" and start up contact again, but I think it took a LONG time for his siblings to ever trust him again, if they do.

They understood entirely why I did not tell them earlier than I did.  Sometimes we have to weigh whether we protect our children from harm or tell them about the existance of a sibling whom they may never meet.

DVT
by Bronze Member on Jul. 9, 2011 at 7:34 AM

I didn't tell my youngest until we had reunited with my 2 older children.  I always meant to tell him at a younger age, but it ended up being at 9 years old.  He ask alot of questions, one of them would be - when are we going to meet them and I let my children search me out first.  That would be a hard one for me to handle knowing it would come up all of the time and the fact I wouldn't have the answer.  It did make it easier to explain when they were actually around.

As for open adoption, I'd continue to show her the pics she'll get the connection as she gets older.  At least you get regular updates and I hope it continues as he grows older.

Bubbly54
by Bronze Member on Jul. 9, 2011 at 11:35 AM

I never told my daughters until my son found me.  I wish I had told them earlier, but I was afraid that they would either search themselves, or encourage me to search, and I just wasn't ready.  In hindsight, that was a dumb move.  My relationship with them both has improved so much since the secret was shared, I cannot now see what I was afraid of.

HereWeGoAgain9
by Silver Member on Jul. 9, 2011 at 1:02 PM
Just keep talking about it openly, honestly and frequently. Eventually she'll get it and it'll just be life as usual for her.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
snowwillow
by Member on Jul. 9, 2011 at 6:32 PM

Mine was a closed adoption and I found her when she was 29 1/2. I never told my son whom I raised until I found my daughter, he was 23. I lived a lifetime of secrets and lies. I was told that I could never find her so I figured I'd just die with the secret, but things happen and I decided to look and I found her so i had to tell. That was 10 years ago. Between 1 and 10, I'd say my reunion is a solid 7.

kclarsh
by Bronze Member on Jul. 10, 2011 at 2:16 AM

I have pictures in my kids room of my first daughter.  My son is 5 and he was 5 months at the last visit I had with her, so I have pictures of him with her.  I used to talk to him about her and call her Sissy Kenzie.  I haven't gotten any pictures or information or really anything, so we haven't talked about it.  When it was around their birthdays I told him  and he wanted her to come visit for his birthday....it's just too sad to tell him I have no idea when we are going to see her next.  So my daughter who is 2 doesn't really know that much about her at all, except she's a picture on the wall.  By this age, my son knew about her and we talked about her, and looked at her pictures....I just don't any more....like I said I have pictures of her around the house, so she will probably recognize her in some way and I let her know that's sissy Kenzie, but I don't think she would understand at this point.

I don't know what talking about that accomplished or answered a question :)  It's late.  I'd continue to talk to her about him, she will understand.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)