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A revelation of sorts...just annoyed about a comment

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 5:36 PM
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I've been perusing around CM today, and I noticed something that really bugged me.

These words: 

"You're so wonderful for giving a couple the chance to be a family"

OR

"How selfless you must be to give your child to someone who can't have children."

This just sparked a flame in me today, I didn't give away my child to make someone else's dreams come true or to make a couple a family - that was actually the furthest thing from my mind.  No offense to any of you wonderful adoptive parents in the group, but that was honestly not what I was thinking about.  I also think this kind of logic takes away from the bigger picture, the child.  It's not about the couple,  it's about our children.  These thoughts and comments aid in loosing site of the what the intention of adoption should be about. It's all about percepction and it is completed skewed as we all know, but this just struck me today.

They adoptive couple were the last people I thought of until I felt guilty for wanting to say I've changed my mind.  I didn't feel guilty because I was going to rip away their dream, I felt guilty because I didn't want to hurt someone I cared about - no different than not wanting to hurt my best friend when I have to tell her someone she doesn't want to hear.   I don't like to hurt people period, part of the reason I couldn't stand up for myself at the time, I wanted my parents to love me and see me as a good person again.

I don't really like being called wonderful or selfless any way, but when used in this context it seems worse.  I feel like it makes my child less than, that because I could so selflessly give him away to someone else he was expendable or replaceable or something that could be passed around.

I gave up my child because I thought due to the pressure I was under it was the best thing for my child, it had nothing to do with a couple that couldn't have children. 

I just had to get this out, I'm guessing a lot of you feel the same...

by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 5:36 PM
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Replies (1-8):
lisa89j
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:17 PM

I agree with you.

UnyqRumin8r
by Member on Aug. 18, 2011 at 10:01 AM

This is why I don't tell many people about my son.  They don't understand and I'm not interested in being a teacher (been burned a few times).  I know what I did and I know why I did it.  I don't need them to tell me that giving up my son was a "loving" and "selfless" thing to do.  That makes me sick to my stomach, and tells me they really don't have a clue.  I don't need their validation.  I need to self-validate, and I'm learning how to do that. 

If we can't vent here, then where?  Thank you for sharing.

Jo
Relinquished Jason, Dec. 21, 1969
Found Walter, Jan. 1, 2001


doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Aug. 18, 2011 at 2:18 PM

 

Quoting UnyqRumin8r:

This is why I don't tell many people about my son.  They don't understand and I'm not interested in being a teacher (been burned a few times).  I know what I did and I know why I did it.  I don't need them to tell me that giving up my son was a "loving" and "selfless" thing to do.  That makes me sick to my stomach, and tells me they really don't have a clue.  I don't need their validation.  I need to self-validate, and I'm learning how to do that. 

If we can't vent here, then where?  Thank you for sharing.

 Point well taken, Unyq. I guess I am the eternal optimist, but you are right, Blessed was merely venting, not trying to fix the world.

UnyqRumin8r
by Member on Aug. 19, 2011 at 8:33 PM

I don't post often.  Most of the time I'm a lurker.  I don't like to post unless I have a strong emotional response to a posting.  In other words, when a posting hits home.  Then, and only then, the words flow and I know that there's someone out there who needs to hear what I shared, just like I needed to hear what another shared.  A lot of healing occurs and we become each other's support group. 

I think it's important that we have a safe place to share.  And, I think it's important that we tell our truth (my truth only exists between my ears/your truth exists between your ears).  Especially if a posting brings up a strong emotional response.  Some postings contain so much pain.  A lot of it comes from wanting to be understood by people who will never understand.  Early on I was kicked in the teeth by a couple of woman that I trusted with my truth.  I was told that what I did was "loving" and "selfless", and I felt that wall go up between us.  Right!  You really believe that drivel you just spewed?  We were never close after that. 

I found my son in 2001.  He was in prison (not in general population) and it would be 8 more years before he got out.  Two or three years into the reunion I finally got to hug him.  My own father didn't know about my son.  After our reunion I told my father.  He was hurt that I felt I couldn't tell him.  My mother knew, but we never once talked about it in all those years.  My sister had relinquished, but she was as messed up as I was.  So, the two people who should have provided support for each other...didn't.  We couldn't.  Feelings were buried very very deep, and we lived in our fantasy world where the bad thing we did never happened.  That will quickly make you crazy, possibly suicidal, definitely gets the monkey mind working overtime.

After finding my son things changed.  First of all, he wasn't around to introduce, so I had a lot of time to get used to the idea, and to figure out what I'd say.  I wanted to be able to introduce him as my son.  I told a few people that I had known for a long time.  That went very well for the most part.  I was selective about who I told.  I kept the information very basic.  I answered their questions without going into a lot of detail.  The funny thing was that I didn't care very much what they thought or said.  "They" no longer had the power to hurt me.  I think it was because I had faced my toughest critic....my son.  He was the only one that really mattered, and I have always answered his questions truthfully. 

Trying to educate people who don't want to be educated feels like I'm banging my yead against the wall.  It hurts.  So, how long do I have to keep banging my head before it's okay for me to stop?  When I meet someone for the first time I tell them I have 4 children, and I count all the grandchildren.  They live here and there.  They do this and that.  We chat.  We get to know each other.  And, I really trust my intuition when it comes to revealing more.  Every once in awhile I will meet someone and I just know they have a painful story.  I'll reveal a little more and look for that telltale sign. 

I'm not hear to teach the whole world, just the one person who is ready to learn.

Jo
Relinquished Jason, Dec. 21, 1969
Found Walter, Jan. 1, 2001


Bubbly54
by Bronze Member on Aug. 19, 2011 at 11:38 PM

UnyqRumin8r

thank you for sharing your story.  I found it very touching, and very insightful.  I am also not one who tells everyone about my son, not because I am ashamed, I just don't want the sentimental drivel that people tend to give you, the judgment that some automatically place upon you.  If we could all find one person who is ready to learn, it would make the world a better place.

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Aug. 20, 2011 at 9:37 PM

I personally find it terribly insulting for anyone to applaud someone for relinquishing their child as though they are doing it as a pathetic attempt to do a good deed.  What is best for a child is what should be the reason to relinquish, and I think it is wrong to suggest that it makes sense to relinquish to fulfill someone else's desire to parent. No one should be selfless enough to relinquish a child for anything but the best reasons, and to do so as a good deed so someone else can parent doesn't work.

doodlebopfan
by Silver Member on Aug. 20, 2011 at 11:41 PM

 

Quoting UnyqRumin8r:

I don't post often.  Most of the time I'm a lurker.  I don't like to post unless I have a strong emotional response to a posting.  In other words, when a posting hits home.  Then, and only then, the words flow and I know that there's someone out there who needs to hear what I shared, just like I needed to hear what another shared.  A lot of healing occurs and we become each other's support group. 

I think it's important that we have a safe place to share.  And, I think it's important that we tell our truth (my truth only exists between my ears/your truth exists between your ears).  Especially if a posting brings up a strong emotional response.  Some postings contain so much pain.  A lot of it comes from wanting to be understood by people who will never understand.  Early on I was kicked in the teeth by a couple of woman that I trusted with my truth.  I was told that what I did was "loving" and "selfless", and I felt that wall go up between us.  Right!  You really believe that drivel you just spewed?  We were never close after that. 

I found my son in 2001.  He was in prison (not in general population) and it would be 8 more years before he got out.  Two or three years into the reunion I finally got to hug him.  My own father didn't know about my son.  After our reunion I told my father.  He was hurt that I felt I couldn't tell him.  My mother knew, but we never once talked about it in all those years.  My sister had relinquished, but she was as messed up as I was.  So, the two people who should have provided support for each other...didn't.  We couldn't.  Feelings were buried very very deep, and we lived in our fantasy world where the bad thing we did never happened.  That will quickly make you crazy, possibly suicidal, definitely gets the monkey mind working overtime.

After finding my son things changed.  First of all, he wasn't around to introduce, so I had a lot of time to get used to the idea, and to figure out what I'd say.  I wanted to be able to introduce him as my son.  I told a few people that I had known for a long time.  That went very well for the most part.  I was selective about who I told.  I kept the information very basic.  I answered their questions without going into a lot of detail.  The funny thing was that I didn't care very much what they thought or said.  "They" no longer had the power to hurt me.  I think it was because I had faced my toughest critic....my son.  He was the only one that really mattered, and I have always answered his questions truthfully. 

Trying to educate people who don't want to be educated feels like I'm banging my yead against the wall.  It hurts.  So, how long do I have to keep banging my head before it's okay for me to stop?  When I meet someone for the first time I tell them I have 4 children, and I count all the grandchildren.  They live here and there.  They do this and that.  We chat.  We get to know each other.  And, I really trust my intuition when it comes to revealing more.  Every once in awhile I will meet someone and I just know they have a painful story.  I'll reveal a little more and look for that telltale sign. 

I'm not hear to teach the whole world, just the one person who is ready to learn.

 Unyq, thank you SO MUCH for sharing your story. You didn't have to and you did anyway. Thank you. I DO know that you don't post often, and that's why your words had such an impact on me today/yesterday. I knew that I had missed something big-time. What I high-lighted in your post, the part about the deep emotional response.....that's what I missed in Blessed's post. I saw that she was hurting, but YOU knew how DEEPLY that it hurt her, and my words (in that light) were careless and not empathetic. I couldn't delete them fast enough. I have gotten to know so many members in this group, so many that I respect and admire, and I wonder, if, in my wanting to lift another's spirits, am doing more harm than good, because, as you so rightly pointed out, I can never understand the depths of the pain that many of you experience. I also DO get (now) that sharing your own personal story can bring more ignorant responses than receptive ones and that trying to share your story with the intent to change one's view of adoption practices, issues, etc. can be "russian roulette" that leaves YOU holding the bag if they are not willing or able to understand where you are coming from. Please don't think that I took offense to your words at all. It was a much-needed reminder that I need to do more listening than talking. Again, thank you. :)

@Blessed-I'm so sorry that you were hurt by these comments and forgive me for my own. (((Hugs!)))  

UnyqRumin8r
by Member on Aug. 21, 2011 at 4:45 PM

Doodlebopfan....yeah, there was something in Blessed's post that poked a stick in my wound.  And, I think Southernroots was poked by the same stick! 

Jo
Relinquished Jason, Dec. 21, 1969
Found Walter, Jan. 1, 2001


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