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*Updated in replies* I am not dealing well today and need some words of encouragement...

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 6:27 PM
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 I placed my second born daughter into her adoptive mother's arms on March 1st of last year. She was born on Feb 24th and I took her home from the hospital for three days before placement. I have been going through the motions for awhile now but today I just cracked. I am not dealing well at all. Giving Makayla up for adoption was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. My mom keeps telling me "You made the right choice. You did such a good thing." But I can't help but feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life. I can't talk to anyone about it. My mom doesn't understand what it's like to even have a baby (my brother and I are both adopted) let alone place one for adoption. I am at my wits end. I just don't know how to cope. I have been randomly bursting into tears all day. I can't even control it. Can anyone relate to how I feel?


My daughter Marie now 5 holding Makayla now 17 months.



The moment Marie met Makayla for the first time.


 

by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 6:27 PM
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Replies (1-10):
tezell78
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:11 PM
i'm not going to say that this will pass because you will always feel this. I will tell you, it gets easier. one of these days you will think of the entire situation and the overwhelming crushing feeling of loss will be replaced by a dull ache. It hurts, i know. hang in there mama, you aren't alone . PM me if you need a shoulder. It took years before i fully came to terms with it. Stay strong, cry when you need to, don't be afraid to go through the process. You are grieving a loss. hugs
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MoLLiy
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:15 PM
Thank you. How long ago did you place your child?
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tezell78
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:25 PM
16 years 5 months. and there are days where i still cry. But in my heart i still believe that she deserve'd so much better than what i as a 16 year old girl could have ever provided her with. I did what was best for her.
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ceejay1
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:38 PM

MoLLiy, HUGS***, I am sorry this is such a hard time for you:(  It sucks to be a Mom without her child, all while raising a daughter who makes a great sister.  You Mom , as you said cannot possibly understand, except from the side of being an adopter.  So , maybe a bit of a "pass" can be given to her there?

Nobody can ever understand what it is like to be a Mother without their child, unless they live each day doing just that!

I will humbly disagree with tezell:)  I personally believe a child derserves to be with its very own natural mother.  I now have a 32 yr.old son, (AMAZING, bright, and full of love), smart to boot...I was 16 when I got pregnant with him, and simply knew he was exactly where he belonged, with me.  Not genetic strangers to be forced to bond with.

What IS BEST for any child is to be rasied by its very own GOD given natural Mommy/family...UNLESS of course 'we" cannot protect, love, and give a safe warm place to lay their head at night.  Even at 16, I KNEW I could do this.  However, I had plenty of practice, there were 10 total children in my family...and we were dirt poor...BUT, my Dad and Mom would never 1 time think to "give us to a family who could not have children, thus doing a good thing"...never!

I do hope and pray that tomorrow will be better than today,one day at a time...we are here:) Please keep coming and vent away my sister, Blessings,CJ~

ceejay1
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 7:40 PM

 FORGOT...You have 2 beautiful angel babies on earth...you truly are blessed, thanks for sharing:)  Do you get to have visits very often?

tezell78
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:14 PM
maybe i should clarify for pp, the my situation wasn't a standard situation. My grandmother adopted my daughter. So i got the benefit of being a part of her life. My parents made it very clear that there would be no help from them in raising her, to the extreme they kicked me out of their home. I was just barely 16 when she was born. (not trying to be rude or start drama just adding info that i forgot to give in my first reply.) again. hugs mama
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MoLLiy
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:49 PM
I do not get visits. Those pictures are from when I brought her home from the hospital after she was born.
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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:27 PM

I can totally relate to how you feel and people telling me I did the right thing, and that by thinking I did the right thing that would somehow make the loss of my son (23) easier, makes me scream inside. I think we both made the biggest mistakes of our lives and we have to go through the stages of grief before we can find acceptance. Maybe a book on grieving would help.

MoLLiy
by Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:15 PM
Maybe can you suggest one? Your son is 23 now? Have you reconnected?
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Southernroots
by Group Admin on Aug. 17, 2011 at 11:16 PM

It's easy for others to tell us, "you did the right thing."  But, they don't know how it feels to relinquish a child to adoption.  Besides, there is rarely a way to every really know for certain whether adoption was the "right" decision.  My son is 40 years old and I don't know whether adoption was right for him or not.  How can anyone really know?  I know for me, it was a terrible decision. I feel like relinquishing my son was the worst mistake I ever made too.  It took reunion for the enormity of my decision to really hit me and when it hit me, it hit hard. 

Sounds like the reality of it all is now hitting you and whether it was the best decision or not, you need to find to find a way to grieve your loss and try to achieve some healing.   You never get over it, but, some of us are able to find some healing, deal with the pain and find some happiness in life.  I won't kid you, it is not easy,  But, life is full of hard things, and you can achieve some healing.

As for books that help, Evelyn Robinson's books helped me. 

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