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Birthday (PIOG)

Posted by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 11:54 PM
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Tomorrow (8/20) is my birthday. No big thing... My twins turned 6 three days ago and now we are busily planning Avery's first and Harper's 4th! My kids birthdays are so exciting and emotional for me. Mine is a side note. Except, for the last 4 years since finding my birth mother, she's sent cards and they've meant the world to me. I've received them, and felt like a kid at Christmas, opening the envelope, reading her words over & over, hanging on to each one. And, I'd receive a card from my mother also. Amazed that I have two mothers. Grateful.
But now she's "severed ties" and I don't expect anything. 5 years ago, before I knew her name, I'd wonder if she was hurting on my birthdays. I figured she couldn't have forgotten but I wondered if over the years the day would come & go and she'd barely think of me, or maybe the day would pass & she would realize a day or two later "oh yeah, it was august 20th..."
But for four years I knew she remembered. And thought of me. And picked a card & wrote a letter. Now, it's back to dark nothingness, except that BEFORE it hardly hurt bc we didn't exist in adulthood to one another.
Like VP said, a post about nothing. Like we all corrected her & told her it was a post about everything, I'm sure likely y'all will tell me the same :) but still....it feels like nothing.
I wasn't meant to be born. And so it feels strange celebrating my birthday. Somehow, even with all the love I've received over the last 34 birthdays, having her acknowledgement has made me feel a little more like I belong on this earth, like I wasn't simply a mistake who needed to be given away to ensure a good life.
Thanks for letting me share :)
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by on Aug. 19, 2011 at 11:54 PM
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Replies (1-4):
2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 20, 2011 at 2:20 AM

Everyone deserves to feel wanted! You deserve to feel wanted. My sons birthdays are so emotional for me. I need write the right words in his card. I know I can't make up for all the birthdays he lost from me, but I really need to get them right. You deserve those words to read over, and over again, and again. I'm so sorry you can't have them now.:(

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Aug. 20, 2011 at 2:24 AM

Awww, I  am so sorry you are feeling like you are now.  My mom once told me I was a mistake, but, I think surprise is a a better way to consider it.  I never felt less loved because my parents hadn't planned on my birth.  

I can tell you that even though I never intended to get pregnant with the son I relinquished,  I believe he belongs on this earth and am thankful he is here. I  know you feel that way about Avery, I wish you could believe it about yourself.  I have heard birthdays are hard for many adoptees and I am sorry your birth mom's silence this year makes yours hard.

Adoption is something many people  may THINK ensures a good life, but, I no longer believe that it really does. But, most mothers I know who relinquished babies did so because they loved and wanted the best for their children and didn't have enough confidence in their own ability to give it to their children.  For many of us, it was too late when we realized we could have parented our children well.

I value your place in this group and in this world so much, and have to imagine your children value you as well.  I am glad you are in this world!  Whatever made your birth mom retreat and hurt you so, I can't imagine. But, I have hope she will change her mind some day, and/or wish for you to value yourself as you deserve. 

 

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Aug. 20, 2011 at 3:07 PM

I know many adoptees have a problem with birthdays, but I wish you a very happy one.

lovechild419
by Member on Aug. 24, 2011 at 8:31 AM

I wish I had seen this earlier so I could have written to you on your birthday.However,I also realize there is really noting anybody could say to you to make this better.Ive been on this site for a while but officially joined it today & for the first time I looked up adoption here.I am in the same exact psoistion you are in and I came to this site looking for answers from birthmoms as for the life of me,being a mother myself,I just cant understand how a birthmother could have the heart to reject their child again in adulthood.My mother no longer speaks to me either and wont tell me why.Being given up at birth had it's own huge issues for me but I understood the reasons and was extremely lucky to have amazing adoptive parents.The rejection of me as a grown adult woman has been more than unbearable to me.Deep in my core, I feel as though if my own mother doesnt love me,how could anyone else?Like you,my birthday is the most difficult day of the year for me.I wait the entire day to hear something,anything,and when I dont the depths of dispair is almost too much to take.The thing is,I dont even like my birthmother,sheis not a nice woman but nonetheless I am devastated.There is so much more I could say but I guess I just really want you to know youre not alone.We both need to realize, it has nothing to do with us a women and everything to do with our mothers.I also know it's easier said than done and the only person that could make this better for you is your mother.Again,you're not alone and if you ever need to talk to someone who gets it,Im here for you anytime.xo

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