Quoting Hope1030:
Hi everyone, I'm new here. I just found this group the other day and I'm glad that I did. I'm a mom of 2 girls, ages 8 & 12. I'm due Jan. 20th and will be placing this baby for adoption. I've been feeling so very depressed and having a ton of anxiety.. never in a million yrs. did I see myself ever being in this situation. I know adoption is for the best, but how do I get my 2 girls and myself through this without broken hearts? I've been through a lot in life but this is most definetly one of the hardest. I don't have too much of anyone in real life to talk about any of this with. I try but mostly ppl seem uncomfortable. Wish I knew a mom who has placed before, but I don't. Or maybe I do, but because how society is as a whole about adoption she feels forced to keep it secret. Why are ppl so uncomfortable with this?!.. why does it have to be yet another taboo topic?! It just makes it all the more isolating and painful. Alright, I'm starting to ramble. Just wanted to introduce myself. Hugs to all.
First of all please know that it is not possible to avoid the broken hearts. If there is NO other way be as age appropriately honest as possible with your children you are raising.
Second, if the reason you feel you need to place is something that is or could be temporary such as money - please try to exhaust all resources first. Find the help you need. I wish I would have done that 23 years ago.
Please feel free to contact me and I will help you out in anyway possible. Know that I will be honest as to my personal story and feelings. I will challenge you to think about every angle because you need to be okay with the ending of your story (which by the way will be only ongoing and never ending no matter how you slice it).
I wish you nothing but peace and support - you will find all the support here you can take. We are hear for you.
Only my personal opinions. You need to do what is best for you and your children - all of them.
Mother of 3, raised 2 - I lost my son to adoption June 1989. I gave up my right to parent him; I kept my right to love him!. Reunited with my son 8/13/07. In his eyes, I may or may not ever be his mom, but he will always be my son.
Favorite Quote: "Love is infinite; you can always make more when you need it" - Twitches, Disney Channel Movie
Quoting Hope1030:
Hi everyone, I'm new here. I just found this group the other day and I'm glad that I did. I'm a mom of 2 girls, ages 8 & 12. I'm due Jan. 20th and will be placing this baby for adoption. I've been feeling so very depressed and having a ton of anxiety.. never in a million yrs. did I see myself ever being in this situation. I know adoption is for the best, but how do I get my 2 girls and myself through this without broken hearts? I've been through a lot in life but this is most definetly one of the hardest. I don't have too much of anyone in real life to talk about any of this with. I try but mostly ppl seem uncomfortable. Wish I knew a mom who has placed before, but I don't. Or maybe I do, but because how society is as a whole about adoption she feels forced to keep it secret. Why are ppl so uncomfortable with this?!.. why does it have to be yet another taboo topic?! It just makes it all the more isolating and painful. Alright, I'm starting to ramble. Just wanted to introduce myself. Hugs to all.
I'm glad that you found us here! Although I have a feeling that you are going to be surprised at what you will hear from us.
First of all, to answer your question "how do I get my 2 girls and myself through this without broken hearts". That is just not possible. Your heart, as well as your daughters hearts, will be forever broken and changed from the loss of this baby.
Another one of your questions "Why are ppl so uncomfortable with this?!.. why does it have to be yet another taboo topic?" Society is drowning in the false beliefs that adoption is all sunshine and rainbows. Until recent years, mothers of loss to adoption (as well as adoptees themselves) didn't have anywhere to speak out of the truth of adoption loss. Thankfully the internet is changing that somewhat. Most adoption related websites still only allow the "happy" side of adoption to be spoken about. CM is really about the only website I know of where there are groups who are allowed to speak their truths.
Please stay here and learn from us ~ we come from all walks of life, all sides of adoption, and all ages.
A little bit about me:
I gave my firstborn son up for adoption in 1979. We were reunited close to 3 years ago just before he turned 30. Every aspect of my life has been effected by the loss of my son. I went on to raise 3 wonderful children, have a pretty great life ~ despite the hole in my heart and soul that remains even though being reunited with my son. My children and grandchildren are also effected by the loss of my son. I not only lost my son, I have also lost being "Grandma Susie" to his two beautiful children.
What do I wish that I had known when I was "choosing" adoption? That life would not "just go on" afterwards. That I was already my son's mom ~ even if I wasn't raising him ~ I was just a mom without her child. There is many more things, those are the two biggest.
I have a few questions for you:
Why are you considering adoption?
Do you know that adoption not only effects you, it will effect all of your children, ones you raise as well as the one you don't?
Are you making a permanent solution for a temporary problem?
Do you know that open adoption is not legally binding in most states? In the ones where it is, all the ap's have to do is prove to a judge that they have a legitimate reason for closing it. Unless you have the money to hire a lawyer to fight them, the adoption can be closed.
I look forward to learning more about you, and answering any questions you may have. If you would prefer to send me a private message, please do.
Susie
I find it so horrific that you are being hounded by these baby hungry people. How can they, after reading your post, find the nerve to try to "friend" you.
I would think long and hard before I made my decision, and I definitely would NOT make any decision before the baby is born. Explore all the options and services available to you. Do not promise your baby to anyone.
Remember, once those papers are signed, you have no recourse. Not only will you change your life forever but that of your two daughters, and especially, of the child you are choosing not to raise. No one can be a better mother to that baby than you. Yes, other people might be able to offer more toys, nicer clothes, but I found out, the hard way, a baby does not need things, it needs its mother. And remember, even adoptive couples can loose jobs, get divorced, and suffer from all the same things we all do. They just look better on paper, that's all.
If you need to talk, please feel to PM me. I have been a first mom for 35 years, unfortunately.
Hope, your name is so appropriate...because at times it is all we have...HOPE! I am so so sorry that you have been offered so many 'FRIEND' request, from PAPS and Amoms...IF they truly wanted to be your friend they would publicly , right here in this group offer to HELP you find resources to keep you baby with you , the GOD given Mom and this babies siblings.
I guess we shall see how badly they truly want to be your friend huh?
I agree with the others...it is NOT possible for you and your family as well as the fathers family to NOT endure hurt and pain. Adoption EQUALS pain, period. There is no way around it, once those papers are signed, you and your children and ALL family CEASE to exist in the eyes of the law, and there is NO leagl recourse for Open Adoption promises:(
I hope you will come often and ask ANY of us ANYTHING you wish to know, we will be here and also help you find the resources in your area if this is needed as well. All any child needs is a clean safe home, Love of its very OWN family, food in its belly, but most important its very own Mommy! If a baby could speak, and one could ask it if fancy new clothes, vacations, tons of materialistic items,and the love of Genetic STRANGERS...I can assure you your baby would emphatically tell you NO!
A child requires very little, to have its siblings to laugh with, to play with, to argue with, to be loved and bathed and fed, by its very own GOD given family...thats all!
Adoption is NOT for a child who already has a family that loves them, especially if you are capable of keeping it safe and healthy...its truly not. Adoption IS for a child who has NO ONE to love it, who has no one to keep s/he safe,thats what adoption is meant to be for!
I hope you will come as often as you can, read all of our stories, and ask ALL you wish to ask. I am glad you found us. I, HOWEVER, do not want you to become "one of us"..it is a life time of hurt, even in the best of circumstances,CJ~
Quoting Hope1030:
Thank you for the feedback, not sure when I'll reply. I just wanted to say I've gotten a handful of friend reqs and messages from paps and I'm so disgusted I'm at a loss for words. I came here seeking support and understanding from birth/expectant moms, NOT to advertise my baby. I'm not dumb nor do I want to be 'friends' simply so you can attempt to talk me into letting you adopt my baby. Show some sensitivity and learn what tact means. I'm sure I'm not the only expectant mom to have to deal with this and it's not right. We need a place where we can safely work through our feelings without being hounded. I find it sad that even needs to be said.
I'm so sorry that you are being hounded :( It's just disgusting. I am an adoptive mom and I have learned soooo much from these amazing women. I already see you are getting some amazing advice. You will get tons of support you need here. I will keep you in my prayers. xoxoxoxoxxoxo
HI Hope,
I'm new here as well, but I'm not a new first mother. My son is 32 years old. What I'd like to pass on to you is that there is no way to prepare for the amount of pain you and your children will feel around this. It never heals, gets better or goes away. Does that mean that I haven't lived a good and happy life over the last 32 years? No. I've had a great life. Realize though, that I have lived that life with a huge, gaping, hole in my heart and an immense amount of guilt and regret. Does this pain ease over time? Maybe. I'm not sure it's an easing as much as it is learning to live with it as a part of who you are, who you are forced to become because of it. This will change you, might even change the kind of mother you are. That is something you need to ponder seriously. You will be a mother with an immense amount of grief, parenting your children.
I don't presume to speak for anyone else, but what I think we're all trying to say to you here, is that this part of adoption, the pain, never goes away, whereas the life crcumstances you find yourself in have the probablity of changing over time. This decision is not something you can ever reverse once it is done. It carries immense emotional trauma with it . It's something so painful, that a group of women you don't know, are trying to prevent you from feeling this.
Whatever your decision is, we will be here to support you, just know that the advice you are reading here is meant to protect you from the tsunami we know is coming.
introducing myself...
- Hope1030
on Oct. 27, 2011 at 5:21 PM