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what should i do?

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 6:06 PM
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ok this is for moms that have done adoption or will do it please

ok so im planning on giving my baby up for adoption and i have this women that is friends with my grandmother....she is a doctor and will be able to give the baby everything it wants and needs....she is not married and is in her 50's but she doesnt have kids and cant.....should i do this adoption or should i go to an agency? 

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 6:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
ceejay1
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:26 PM

May I ask how old you are?  Never deal with pre-matching of any kind, until after your baby is born, especially agencies.  Please tell us more about your journey, when you are ready...this will help us to give you better opinions/advice;)   

kysonkademommy
by Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:40 PM


Quoting ceejay1:

May I ask how old you are?  Never deal with pre-matching of any kind, until after your baby is born, especially agencies.  Please tell us more about your journey, when you are ready...this will help us to give you better opinions/advice;)   

im 20....but when i give the baby away i dont wanna see it at all so i would like to see things done before the baby is here

susie703
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 9:53 PM
1 mom liked this
Why don't you want to see your baby? if you think choosing adoption will be easier that way, it's not....
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vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:03 PM
I am curious as to your reasons behind considering adoption. Do you think that you may harm your baby?
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kysonkademommy
by Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:09 PM


Quoting vampporcupine:

I am curious as to your reasons behind considering adoption. Do you think that you may harm your baby?

no not at all.....i want the baby but i cant afford it i have a 6 months old and college that im bout to start....this baby is unplanned....and i know that if i see it or hold it im not goin to want to give it up.....and if i dont i have to put off school for another year....its a tough choice but i feel that my baby will be better off

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:18 PM
You are incorrect. You have already bonded to the baby and childbirth strengthens this bind by a thousand fold. Not seeing or holding your child or will not sever the natural ties that will continue on even without being the person who raises him/her.

Have you read about the lifelong psychological damage done to surrendering mothers and adoptees? Do you know the rate of suicide in both is high? Have you considered the lifelong affects on your existing child of knowing that mommy gave his/her sibling away?

These things may sound harsh but the realities of adoption are not pretty. Hang around the group and listen. Visit the research/articles section.

Adoption should only be for babies who are neither wanted nor loved or in danger. We can help you find resources to keep your baby and still go to college.


Quoting kysonkademommy:



Quoting vampporcupine:

I am curious as to your reasons behind considering adoption. Do you think that you may harm your baby?

no not at all.....i want the baby but i cant afford it i have a 6 months old and college that im bout to start....this baby is unplanned....and i know that if i see it or hold it im not goin to want to give it up.....and if i dont i have to put off school for another year....its a tough choice but i feel that my baby will be better off

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Cedartrees4
by Silver Member on Jan. 15, 2012 at 10:29 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting kysonkademommy:


Quoting vampporcupine:

I am curious as to your reasons behind considering adoption. Do you think that you may harm your baby?

no not at all.....i want the baby but i cant afford it i have a 6 months old and college that im bout to start....this baby is unplanned....and i know that if i see it or hold it im not goin to want to give it up.....

hon, the fact is that whether you see your baby or not, it's just as hard, and the pain is just as overwhelming.  :(  I know many mothers who didn't see their babies because that was hospital policy here in Canada for over 40 years, for hospital staff to literally abduct the babies of unwed mothers at birth, withhold the babies from their mothers, and then force the mothers to sign the papers -- in many cases an adoption worker had already convinced the expectant mother during her pregnancy that it was "for the best" -- but even though she did not see her baby, it was just as hard and the experience traumatizing for her.  :(   The pain isn't any less. Believe, me -- i was only allowed to see my son for about 5 minutes and i don't think that that 5 minutes made any difference -- it was devastating to lose him. Nine months of pregnancy and then birth is the bonding process, and it's not going to be easy. 

There are universities with daycares, parent resource centres, student baby-sitting co-ops, part-time programs, and scholarships for single moms.  I could even bring my baby to class with me in a carrier when i had my second son -- many professors are very accommodating.

Maybe the moms here can help you find resources and support so that if you choose adoption, it is for the right reason, because you neither love nor want your baby?

BellasMommy1204
by Member on Jan. 16, 2012 at 12:12 AM

I can tell you this much -- I was also adopted in addition to being a birthmom. I reunited wiht my birthmom at the age of 24. My birthmom never held me, she never even looked at me. The minute I was born, she closed her eyes tight until I was out of the room. This is something she has regretted every single minute of every single day since I was born. -- even though she always felt that adoption was the right decision, she always regretted never looking at me or holding me when i was a baby.

BellasMommy1204
by Member on Jan. 16, 2012 at 12:16 AM


Quoting Cedartrees4:


Quoting kysonkademommy:


Quoting vampporcupine:

I am curious as to your reasons behind considering adoption. Do you think that you may harm your baby?

no not at all.....i want the baby but i cant afford it i have a 6 months old and college that im bout to start....this baby is unplanned....and i know that if i see it or hold it im not goin to want to give it up.....

hon, the fact is that whether you see your baby or not, it's just as hard, and the pain is just as overwhelming.  :(  I know many mothers who didn't see their babies because that was hospital policy here in Canada for over 40 years, for hospital staff to literally abduct the babies of unwed mothers at birth, withhold the babies from their mothers, and then force the mothers to sign the papers -- in many cases an adoption worker had already convinced the expectant mother during her pregnancy that it was "for the best" -- but even though she did not see her baby, it was just as hard and the experience traumatizing for her.  :(   The pain isn't any less. Believe, me -- i was only allowed to see my son for about 5 minutes and i don't think that that 5 minutes made any difference -- it was devastating to lose him. Nine months of pregnancy and then birth is the bonding process, and it's not going to be easy. 

There are universities with daycares, parent resource centres, student baby-sitting co-ops, part-time programs, and scholarships for single moms.  I could even bring my baby to class with me in a carrier when i had my second son -- many professors are very accommodating.

Maybe the moms here can help you find resources and support so that if you choose adoption, it is for the right reason, because you neither love nor want your baby?

If you truly want to find some resources, I can help you out. I chose adoption for my first child (my son), but not my second. I am a single mom, I work full time, and I'm a full time college student working towards my nursing degree. I have about 5 seconds of "me" time a day, but it's all worth it. And I dont feel like my daughter is missing out on anything! We have such an amazing bond and she is such a smart and happy child. Yes, being a single mom literally on the go constantly is utterly exhausting. But, I wouldn't change it for a minute.

There ARE resources out there to help you. They are there for people who need them.

Southernroots
by Group Admin on Jan. 16, 2012 at 1:41 AM


Quoting kysonkademommy:


Quoting vampporcupine:

I am curious as to your reasons behind considering adoption. Do you think that you may harm your baby?

no not at all.....i want the baby but i cant afford it i have a 6 months old and college that im bout to start....this baby is unplanned....and i know that if i see it or hold it im not goin to want to give it up.....and if i dont i have to put off school for another year....its a tough choice but i feel that my baby will be better off

If you want this baby, don't make the mistake many of us did.  Many of us believed we could not afford another child, and realized too late that we could have.  It may seem logical NOW to give up your baby, but, once your baby is born everything will change.  It doesn't help to not see or hold your baby, it causes deep regrets if you don't.  If seeing or holding your baby will make you not want to surrender, then that might mean you shouldn't relinquish.  

Better off how?  With a parent who has more money?  There's so much more to being a parent than having money.  There are many resources available to help you parent if you want to.  

As for your original question, just because a woman has money doesn't mean she will be able to give a child all it needs.  Maybe she can afford a good nanny to babysit, but, if she is a doctor isn't she likely to be working a lot?  I doubt most adoption agencies would let a 50 year old adopt a newborn, so why would anyone else?  

I know you would like to get this all settled before your baby is born, but, I don't think that is best for your baby.  Even if you ultimately stick to the idea of adoption, your baby need to first say hello to you before saying goodbye.  Your baby deserves that.  

I held my son only briefly once after he was born....like you, I was afraid if I allowed myself to bond and love him, I wouldn't be able to let him go.  I deeply regret that I didn't spend time with him that I could have.  And, the pain of letting him go was not helped by not spending time with him either.  Cutting off your feelings for your child doesn't help...it is a lifetime of pain and sadness to relinquish a child to adoption for most birth moms I know.

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