could use some input, how would a brith mom feel about this, please? /update!!
well just had a cup of coffee with my hubby's mom. she asked the most odd question, but got me thinking. "have you ever looked on facebook to see if birth mom is on thier" i was on one hand Totaly shocked! i've always respected her privacy, she asked for no contact. I feel that would be a total violation, on the other hand quite courrios to see if she finnished law school, if she got married, move back to were her family is from. i kept a book of every time i would take her on an arond or dr. apt. we had a very good relationship i wrote down several storries about her family and friends . maybe i could put some new things in his book. i am so tempted, even though things like facebook and my space are public information, and maybe she has facedbook me.. i don't know, how would a birthmom feel, on this.
thank you ladies for your help... well i talked to one of the ladies who i have remained in contact with who helped with my son's adoption. she stayed in contact with 90% of the birthmom's she has helped place.. She brought it up casually in conversation with her. She said that it would be ok if i wanted a few pics from her fb page, but no updates on our part and no freiend request. so i was able to obtain some nice family photo's of her with her mom and dad, and her and her brother. i had to laugh he look just like her! I had a photo of her my hubby and i at a place she love to eat at while she was pregnant. also in her bio.. it says how she is sassy and stuborn... now i know were he get's it...lol :) also found out her mom and dad birth towns. To this day her parents do not know she placed a child for adoption. It is sad, but i guess she has her reasons, and will respect that... my hubby and i's parents love our son very much. now we will face a whole new set of challenges with our next adoption, visitis once a year... i just worry on how my son will feel..i just don't want him to feel less loved, or it's his fault because it is not, he is a wonderful child, with a huge love'n heart, who is sensitive to others feeling. i am very proud to be his mom. thank you all again.
If you find her on Facebook I would write her a note and tell her that you know she asked for no contact but you wanted to let her know that your mutual child is fine and that if she decides to have contact that you would welcome it.
Keep in mind that if you are not fb friends it is likely that your message will end up in the "other" folder which few people know exist.
Quoting vampporcupine:
I wonder if she thought that no contact would make it easier for her....many do.
If you find her on Facebook I would write her a note and tell her that you know she asked for no contact but you wanted to let her know that your mutual child is fine and that if she decides to have contact that you would welcome it.
Keep in mind that if you are not fb friends it is likely that your message will end up in the "other" folder which few people know exist.
THANK YOU!!
I wouldn't be surprised if many new moms choose to have no/little contact with the family who adopted thier baby. I try to imagine what my life would have been like if I had been able to have an open adoption... I think it would have been so much harder in the beginning when I was trying to figure out how to go on living life without my son.
I think it would be a great thing if you ever had a chance to contact your son's first mom and open up communication with her. Even if it's only updates on how hes' doing and photos.
Good luck!
I think if you post anything about yourself on an online social networking site, then you're giving permission for anyone to view it. As long as you don't hack any of her privacy stipulations, you're good to go.
I am friends on facebook with my daughter's adoptive mom. My situation was different than yours because I didn't specifically ask for the adoption to be closed or to have no contact. If she has a facebook page and keeps her information public, I see no harm in you looking. If you don't "friend" her then she won't even know that you looked.
I am not sure how I would feel. There was no such thing as fb when I placed my son in 1991. When I adopted my 2nd son in 2008 his mom initially did not want contact with us. I found her on myspace and fb. I downloaded every picture I could of hers so that he could have some kind of connection to her. The way I saw it, she had posted it on a public site with no privacy settings so it was fine in my book. I never sent her a friend request or a message ar anything like that because I didn't want to bother her or upset her. When he was 9 months old, she reached out to me and asked if I would send her a picture of him. I had her give me an address and I sent a letter detailing his life from the moment she left him in the hospital until the day she reached out to me along with close to 75 pictures. Today I send her at least one letter with 3-5 pictures per month. That's just my 2 cents
I see you already have your update, so I realize I'm late, but definitely don't post anything on her FB. Anything she has public though I say is fair game for you to take, look at, whatever. But I wouldn't tell her or post anything especially if nobody in her family knows and you know this.
But thats how I got the pics for my bson from his father, he had them public so I downloaded everything I could. Of course he eventually changed that so I'm glad that I did. (although I am friends with his ex-wife, but I don't think she has any idea of the connection)
Quoting aprilz1225:
i just worry on how my son will feel..i just don't want him to feel less loved, or it's his fault because it is not, he is a wonderful child, with a huge love'n heart, who is sensitive to others feeling. i am very proud to be his mom. thank you all again.
It's highly possible he will feel this way. Your job is allow him to feel what he feels and commisorate with him. Try not to tell him that his feelings are wrong or make him feel guilty for his feelings. If he says anything like "I wish my birth mom wanted visits with me", say something like "I know, me too. It sucks that you don't have visits.", rather than "I'm sure she loves you.' And please don't try to level the field by stopping visits for your youngest. Good luck :)
Quoting onethentwins:
Quoting aprilz1225:
i just worry on how my son will feel..i just don't want him to feel less loved, or it's his fault because it is not, he is a wonderful child, with a huge love'n heart, who is sensitive to others feeling. i am very proud to be his mom. thank you all again.
It's highly possible he will feel this way. Your job is allow him to feel what he feels and commisorate with him. Try not to tell him that his feelings are wrong or make him feel guilty for his feelings. If he says anything like "I wish my birth mom wanted visits with me", say something like "I know, me too. It sucks that you don't have visits.", rather than "I'm sure she loves you.' And please don't try to level the field by stopping visits for your youngest. Good luck :)
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Awesome weekend! Update!!!
- aprilz1225
on Jan. 24, 2012 at 12:26 PM