I was doing so good for the last day of staying constantly in a good mood but now it's hitting me again. I know i have to take it day by day and sometimes hour by hour. I put up my son for adoption on the 17th and i miss him so much. how did you guys stay strong when you started to feel it slip away?
This isn't necessarily a time when staying strong is appropriate. I think you'd be better off if you find a skilled therapist to help you with the grieving process.
I spent years trying to stay strong instead of facing and dealing with my pain. In the long run, I think it is better to face your sadness and grief and learn how to deal with it and begin to heal. The sadness and pain nearly always come out eventually, so instead of ignoring it, you are better off dealing with it.
Plus, the nature of the pain that birth moms experience is that it ebbs and flows...that is normal.
I didn't stay strong. I lost it and fought to get my baby back. I failed and lost it even more. The thing that saved me is finding a group of mothers that understand to let me get it out.
We can be that for you honey. Holding it all is was probably the most damaging thing I did. The feelings will still be there just waiting to spill out. Its not weak to lose it over your child not being with you. Its probably stronger to be honest with your feelings
Hon, is it too late to get your son back? Is there ANY way? That is the only thing that takes away the pain. Twenty, thirty, forty years later, it can be just as strong, just as crippling. I hope that the agency told you of this risk, of lifelong unresolved grief. If not, then they lied to you.
This is the law in your state. Has a judge "approved" the adoption?
Revocation of Consent
Citation: Rev. Code § 26.33.160
Consent to adoption is revocable by the consenting party at any time before the consent is approved by the court. The revocation may be made in either of the following ways:
- Written revocation may be delivered or mailed to the clerk of the court before approval.
- Written revocation may be delivered or mailed to the clerk of the court after approval, but only if it is delivered or mailed within 48 hours after a prior notice of revocation that was given within 48 hours after the birth of the child. The prior notice of revocation shall be given to the agency or person who sought the consent and may be either oral or written.
Consent to adoption may not be revoked after it has been approved by the court. Within 1 year after approval, a consent may be revoked for fraud or duress practiced by the person, department, or agency requesting the consent, or for lack of mental competency on the part of the person giving the consent at the time the consent was given. A written consent to adoption may not be revoked more than 1 year after it is approved by the court.
In the case of consent to an adoption of an Indian child, consent may be withdrawn for any reason at any time prior to the entry of the final decree of adoption. Consent may be withdrawn for fraud or duress within 2 years of the entry of the final decree of adoption.
You've just lost a child. You need to grieve. I know other people will say "you know your child is alive and well, you'll see him again", but the truth is, that isn't helpful. See a grief counsellor, ask the agency for a recommendation, they should tell you that the adoptive parents are required to pay for it.
My son is 32, been in reunion for 3 years, and it's still hard.
i know it was for the right reasons and i would not take away all the opportunities he will have out of this. I love him too much for him not to have the best. lol just need to support, you know? lol and im pretty sure ill cry on the 3rd after I see him again. hope i can just make him proud.
littledakota, there is no guarantee that adoption will provide a child with anything you cannot. adoptive parents can still go bankrupt, die, get divorced. and children who are given away often struggle with feelings of abandonment and anger. after all, where else in life do people abandon those they love? only in infant adoption, where mothers get convinced by others that they don't deserve to keep their babies and that their babies "deserve more' when this is just not true.
wanna know the stats? if you keep your baby, odds are that you will be farther ahead educationally, financially, and socially than if you do not. i.e. ten years time, if you give away your child, you will be less successful. one of those reasons is that the grief is crippling for most mothers. it is hard to do well at school when you are struggling with unresolved greif, depression, trauma, etc. -- all of which are consequences of surrender. There IS help for you if you love and want your baby. IF you do NOT love or want your baby - that is what adoption is for. otherwise, there is no good reason. Young single moms keep their babies and go on to have amazing careers, graduate degrees, and success. Being young and single is temporary. Motherhood is forever, and it motivates women to succeed. Did no-one ever tell you this truth?
Just one risk to your child -- some adoptees feel surrender itself, even as a infant, is a long-lasting trauma. This is an article about it: "Adoption: Trauma that lasts a Lifetime"
http://www.cafemom.com/group/4974/forums/read/14259970/_Adoption_Trauma_that_Last_a_Life_Time
And there is this quote (below) from Nancy Verrier, an adoptive mother and therapist. Not all adoptees feel this way, but as many do, this IS a risk that you are making your baby face:
"I believe that the connection established during the nine months in utero is a profound connection, and it is my hypothesis that the severing of that connection in the original separation of the adopted child from the birth mother causes a primal or narcissistic wound, which affects the adoptee's sense of Self and often manifests in a sense of loss, basic mistrust, anxiety and depression, emotional and/or behavioral problems, and difficulties in relationships with significant others."
" It is difficult to face the fact that by definition every adopted child is an abandoned child, who has suffered a devastating loss. No matter that the adoptive parents call it relinquishment and the birth mother calls it surrender, the child experiences it as abandonment.
" The trauma of being separated from the mother, therefore, results in patterns of behavior, emotional responses, and the sense of Self and others, which will be different from that which would have occurred had there been no trauma.
" It can no longer be assumed that one can replace the biological mother with another "primary caregiver" without the child’s being both aware of the substitution and traumatized by it. The mother/infant bond takes many forms and the communication between them is unconscious, instinctual, and intuitive." - Nancy Newton Verrier, Ph.D., "The Primal Wound"
Meet Kelseyciarah
This Virginia mom never wanted to get married or have kids - but now she's a happy a SAHM of two little ones!
Awesome weekend! Update!!!
- littledakota
on Jan. 27, 2012 at 12:52 AM