Ok I am back again. It's too hard to stay away but hard to stay at the same time. I figure most of you understand this better than the support system I have. I actually need some advice. I am writing a letter to the aparents. I am allowed one a year and have skipped writing some years because I am not sure why they want to hear about me. However I have also learned if I do not write something they will not write either. Which is why I am here 3 weeks after her birthday frantically trying to figure out WHAT to write them. Really I just want to hear about my daughter. I have scrapped every letter I have written this month because it reveals too much of my anger. I have a friend who is an adoptee who looked at another draft last night & told me to toss that copy as well. She said to think of it as a Christmas letter. Its out of character for me to be such a "brick wall" as I tend to write and bear my soul. I have another draft that she helped me with but I would like to run it by you ladies who have been in my shoes and might know how to communicate without crossing these imaginary lines of offending aparents. I've heard alot about how most amoms are threatened my the first mom and that I need to take care with my words. I am not sure I should be taking this advice but I am desperate as I don't know why I don't get my questions answered when I write and am not sure why I have to initiate contact to hear from them. Our relationship is not as well as it used to be and I don't know why. So here is my draft letter minus all names:
Hi, It's that time again, I thought of you all on her birthday a few weeks ago. I hope she had a wonderful day. It would make me so happy to hear about it and how she is doing.
Here things are good. This February my husband & I are finally going on our honeymoon! Our anniversary is leap year so we joke that this year is our first official anniversary. We've been saving up to go. My step daughter in now in high school and taking some courses that will count for college which is exciting for all of us. My stepson is in jr high. Both of them are great and they are so good with my daughter {2nd daughter}. She is now 7 and she is a spunky, energetic little girl who loves to dance and is selling girl scout cookies this year. My husband was offered a new job out of state but we are feeling very blessed since he is actually home more now than he was ever before. I am still {job} and enjoying time with my family at home. I love helping out at the school and have discovered many new hobbies this year.
I am glad to know that {first daughter} has also been raised by 2 loving parents. I remember you said you used to read to her. {2nd daughter} loves to read and as we read in the evenings I think of {first daughter} often. I have been wondering lately as {2nd daughter} is at an age where she loves books, if {first daughter} had or has any favorites. {2nd daughter} are 'Brown Bear, Brown Bear What do you see?', and 'Where ever You Are my love will find you'.
Anyways please tell her that I love her and care about her deeply. As always I appreciate all that you do for her.
With Love
What exactly are the "terms" of your adoption & were there or are there visits? How old is she?
I know you said your adoptee friend felt the other draft was too personal & I think your letter is fine, but I'm imagining my own mother writing - maybe one day being given the letters to read. I'd be dying for something more personal. On the other hand, like you, I tend to not hold back emotions very well & with only one letter a year I'm not even sure how I'd censor or edit it to not be ten pages long lol. Could you wrote a separate letter or even just a paragraph specifically to her? They may not read it to her but one day she may read it for herself. I think it would mean a great deal to her.
I like it but I'd add more direct questions. Like how's her health? Is she in pre-school? Those kinds of things.
Quoting HereWeGoAgain9:
They only allow you to write one letter per year?
What exactly are the "terms" of your adoption & were there or are there visits? How old is she?
I know you said your adoptee friend felt the other draft was too personal & I think your letter is fine, but I'm imagining my own mother writing - maybe one day being given the letters to read. I'd be dying for something more personal. On the other hand, like you, I tend to not hold back emotions very well & with only one letter a year I'm not even sure how I'd censor or edit it to not be ten pages long lol. Could you wrote a separate letter or even just a paragraph specifically to her? They may not read it to her but one day she may read it for herself. I think it would mean a great deal to her.
I have what they called semi-open. They didn't allow open adoption yet when I released her. I received monthly letters and pictures as well as gifts for the first year. Supposably I was allowed to send things to them as well but many gifts were denied. After a year I could only recieve a letter on her birthday and I could also send one. The aparents tried to send pictures on the 2nd and 3rd birthdays but I was denied the ability to take them home. They stay in our file at the agency. I have also been denied the ability to send cards to her on her birthday. I am supposed to address my letter to the aparents.
Quoting onethentwins:
I like it but I'd add more direct questions. Like how's her health? Is she in pre-school? Those kinds of things.
Yeah that does make sense to ask more questions. For years my questions are never directly answered so I wasn't sure if I should keep asking. Thanks!Oh, & she is 14 yrs old.
I like direct questions too bc a) it'll show her later how you cared & thought of her and b) it gives them specific things to say to you. I'm a pretty decent writer. I'd figure out a way to write that entire letter to my child without addressing her or outwardly appearing like I'm going against any rules. Please do what you are most comfortable with, but if possible, I would make it a little more personal & feeling, tell "them" how often you think of her, how grateful you are for her health & happiness, how she'll always have a piece of your heart & how much you love her. Including details of your children makes sense and I've loved learning as much as I can about my bio sibs, but for some reason, and I can't quite put my finger on it just yet, I almost felt a twinge of jealousy on her behalf. That shows you how completely I was reading this as if my own 1mom had written it lol. I think everything you included about them is wonderful, but the parts about her were too abrupt & then the letter ended.
I know these letters go to her aparents & who knows if they share them. I just keep thinking about one day if she does get to read them all - or she finds them. Oh gosh, I don't envy your position & I think you're quite incredible for giving this so much thought & trying so hard. Big hugs to you!!
Quoting vampporcupine:
I would remove the part about being thankful for what they do for her. I have heard numerous aps state that they felt that the mothers treated them like they were just a babysitter. You don't want them to have that mind set to pass along to your daughter.
Excellent point. You might want to reword that and still say what you're trying to convey.
Ok here is another draft. Thanks to you all who has helped thus far. I love hearing all of your thoughts! Negative or positive. I am just feeling in such a funk and can't get this right. I am anxious to send it out since it's almost a month after her birthday and I am praying the agency will still send it on AND that I will recieve one back.
Hi & Happy 2012! I was waiting to hear about (1st daughter) but decided I would just go ahead and write to you first. I hope she had a wonderful birthday! It would make me so happy to hear about it and how she is doing. How is her health? What kind of activities or sports is she doing? How is she doing in school? Which subjects are her favorites? What does she enjoy doing in her free time? I wonder a lot about her personality. Last year you had mentioned she has her own style and opinion and it made me laugh as (2nd daughter) is that way. I loved hearing about her in your letter last year!
Here things are good. My husband was offered a new job out of state and we are feeling very blessed since he is actually home more now than he was ever before. I am still (job) and enjoying time with my family at home. I love helping out at the school and have discovered many new hobbies this year. At the end of February my husband & I are finally going on our honeymoon! Our anniversary is leap year so we joke that this year is our first official anniversary. We've been saving up to go to - - - . My stepdaughter is now in high school and taking some courses that will count for college, which is exciting for all of us. My stepson is in the jr high. Both of them are great and they are so good with my daughter (name). (2nd daughter) is now 7, loves to dance and is selling Girl Scout cookies this year.
I am so grateful that (1st daughter) has been raised by 2 loving parents. I remember you said you used to read to her. (2nd daughter) loves to read and as we read in the evenings I think of (1st daughter often. I have been wondering lately if (1st daughter) had or has any favorites. (2nd daughter) are ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?' and ‘Where ever you are my love will find you'.
Anyways please tell her that I love her and care about her deeply. I think about her daily. I trust she is happy and that gives me comfort.
Awesome weekend! Update!!!
- BE_U_T_XPRT
on Feb. 3, 2012 at 5:18 PM