To contact or not

[yestheirallmine]

I have a 18 year old son that I placed as a newborn. I kept in contact with his adoptive dad for the 18 years. On Christmas Eve, he ( the dad) passed away from a heart attack. Needless to say, I was very sad about this. It broke my heart. He was an awesome guy. 2 years ago the mom found a boyfriend and left the family. To ad more drama to my story, my son and my nephew have gone to the same high school for the past 4 years and have become good friends.

He knows he is adopted, but doesn't know me. Being he is over 18, I know I have legal rights to contact him, but I'm not sure if this is the right time or not. I don't want to be intrusive in his time of grief for his dad, but I also don't know if maybe he is feeling a little lost with out a parent either. He has a large extended family and I don't want to step on anyone's toes. I have always respected the situation of his adoptive family.

Any thoughts would be appreciated

[BE_U_T_XPRT]

 I am so sorry for your loss!  I can only imagine how you are feeling.  I have no idea how to even go about responding to your questions about contacting him.  That is a difficult situation.  Has his dad ever communicated with you about how your son feels about you?  Or if he has asked questions about you?  Do he know that his friend is your nephew?  Is his mom still in his life at all?  Who is he living with now that his dad is passed?  Does the extended family know about you or did you ONLY communicate with his dad?

[vampporcupine]

 This is difficult to answer. Everyone is different. When you say your nephew and him are close, how close? Best friends? Does your nephew know? Maybe your nephew should be the one to say "hey, did you know we're related?"

 

[Cedartrees4]

One thing to keep in mind is that if we do not contact our children, a strong message it gives is that we are just not interested.  After all, for anyone else in our lives, if we want to be with them, we contact them, right?  Only adoption has this paradox, that somehow we're supposed to be showing "love" by keeping away.  (And also the paradox that at no other time in our lives do we show anyone "how much we love them" by giving them away -- we don't divorce our spouses as "an act of love").

The question is, if you wait  until it is "the right time," then what is the right time?  And, if you have never talked to him, how can you tell that it is the right time by trying somehow to figure it out from a distance away (hence your question here).   No-one can give you the answer.

A positve thing about contacting your son is that he always has the right to say "no thank you"  when you contact him.  This gives him the choice, the option.  He may not realize that he can contact you himself -- many adoptees don't realize this at that age - my son didn't.

Just be prepared that the message that a child can get from the act of having been willingly  "placed" for adoption is that you didn't love him enough to keep him.  Don't expect to be automatically welcomed into his life, or expect gratitude for having given him to strangers.  He may also be under the impression that if you had kept him, horrible things would have happened to him (hence some  adoptees thanking us for giving them up, saving them from ourselves). On the other hand, you may indeed find he wants a renewed relationship of some type (acquaintance, friend, or family) with you and I hope that this is the case.   But yes, contacting him now and hence giving him the choice is what I would suggest.  Whether he decides that is a good time in his life or not is then up to him.

I contacted my son when he was 19. I am glad that I did.  I wouldn't have wanted to wait any longer.

[Vikki77]

If your nephew and son are close I would say let your nephew tell him. My friends daughter is the one that told my 15 year old son. He was 14 at the time. It went good. If your nephew tells him and gives him your contact info then he can contact you when he's ready. Have the nephew tell him that you wanted to reach out, but wasn't sure how he would feel, but that you want to be there for him and you love him very much. Good luck and keep us posted!

[Southernroots]

I think you should offer your son the opportunity and then respect his decision. This could be the best or worst time to be in touch with him, but you won't know till you try. He may either really need or want to connect with you now or not. Be prepared for either as much as you can.

[yestheirallmine]

Thank you for your answers. I guess the only thing I can do is contact him and brace myself for the reaction. I guess what scares me the most is my daydream is safe and has a happy ending, reality might not be so kind. I will never know unless I do it. :)

[yestheirallmine]

Also... I can contact him via Facebook. Is that tacky?? lol.

[Cedartrees4]

I personally wouldn't through facebook.  To me, that would diminish the importance of it.  Facebook is a pretty frivolous medium.

[onethentwins]

Definitely contact him. We'd be happy to help you with your first contact if you'd like.

[susie703]

Yes, contact him, preferably not on fb.  He may not be ready yet, but at least he will know that you are there and waiting, that you want to know him.  Good luck!  As onethentwins said, if you want help just ask!