I met a great guy during a camping trip last August. Still involved with one another. Things seem to be going smoothly.
He doesn't know about Zoe. Initially, I just figured this would be nothing more than a fling, so I felt it really wasn't his business.
Apparently, this is moving a bit further along than I thought it would. Not that I mind at all, LOL. He's a sweet guy.
He still doesn't know about Zoe. Her pictures are scattered through my home. He thinks they are of the daughter I am raising (easy to mistake, both girls looked alike as babies/toddlers). Michelle, the daughter I am raising has mentioned Zoe a few times. He knows she has two older half sisters, so when I simply say "Her sister", I think he just assumes I'm referring to the older ones.
I've slipped and mentioned kids (plural) when, as far as he knows, should be just "Kid".
I guess I am afraid to mention there is another. I've dealt with far too many people who have more or less decided I was an atrocious person for giving up a child (add to this the fact that she was the second born). My dad is no longer speaking to one of his cousins because she told her entire family I was a worthless mother for keeping the "favorite" and giving away the "problem".
There's been others who have been equally as hateful regarding the revelation that Michelle is not really an "only child", so this has now made me hesitant to even bring her up to my boyfriend. I know the age-old saying "if he cared, he would accept it".....but the simple fact that I have never once mentioned her after the length of time when he knows almost everything else about me and I about him. She's not a dirty secret....I just cannot deal with another person treating me like I have the black death. Gah, makes me sound so selfish.....but after the last dozen folk have treated me like dirt under their shoe, it's not exactly something I feel like advertising at the moment.
I know I should mention her and get it out in the open. What if things progress further and we end up hearing from her years down the road? Imagine that.
How, though? How do you bring up that you have another child out there?
Ugh Randi, another thing they don't warn you about. They tell us how unselfish we are and what a great thing we're doing but don't warn us about the nastiness we can expect.
I say get it over with. The longer you leave it the harsher it will be and the more he'll think you were lying to him.
Good luck GF.
OTT is correct ...about all she said.
So I really understand not wanting him to be nasty about her and the adoption...I wish that for you also...but IF he is nasty he doesn't deserve you .I know that sounds trite but it is true you deserve someone that isn't judgemental and that could be him.
I fear also continuing to put it off could make the delay itself an issue.It seems at this point it is becoming clear it is more than a fun fling so you could explain now was the time because of where yall are now.The closer yall become with out revealing about Zoe the more that is an issue .Get a bottle of wine ,some chocolate ,your drawing tools and rip the band aid off.
Good Luck.
I agree with both of these ladies. You could start like... "I feel that our relationship is going great. I don't usually tell people this, but if we are going to be together, you need to know..." Good luck. My fiance took it very well. He had seen me with my son and knew I was a good mom, so he didn't think the worst of me.
What Vikki suggests is how I did it. I also let him know this was a part of me he'd hear about from time-to-time and it wasn't up for debate as I would never pretend she didn't exist in front of him.
He said he didn't care and I suspect nor will your current boyfriend.
Do consider however that this WILL change once you enter into your reunion someday. It takes its toll on the life you may build together, which is something THEY're not prepared for. It has caused turmoil in our couple brought on by the tsunami of emotions I have been feeling since I first heard from her nearly a year ago and now the recent sudden silence. Your mood will always be affected and will transcend into your relationship. I think you do know this but I doubt any spouse/boyfriend/partner fully grasps what they're getting into at first and may hold resentment later on as I've observed with others. As for me, I know he doesn't want to hear about it. He's unaffected, understandably so because she is not his and he can't relate or feel anything for her, and this has hurt our relationship.
I suppose the best advice to give you is to tell you to stay true to who you are and what you are about. Don't you hide enough as it is? If his feelings are genuine, this won't change a thing. Just prepare him for the rollercoaster ride he's about to embark on. I didn't because I didn't know what to expect and no one to warn me. You, on the hand, are very smart for anticipating what may be down the road. A good thing about telling people is that it weeds out the phonies from the real friends. Always look at your glass half-full and you'll be just fine! ;)
Good luck to you and keep us posted!
Thank you ladies.
I've been pondering over it a bit more, especially with the slip-ups from me and the innocent remarks from my other daughter, Michelle. I know he'll have to know eventually and know that there is a possibility of us meeting again in the distant future. Things are still pretty new at the moment and another part of me thinks maybe this should wait until at least a year into the relationship to see just how solid things will be in that time. What seems good now may change, obviously.
He will know. Soon. I just have to figure out a good starting point, lay it all out and hope he understands my position then, my position now and what led to this change.
I can definitely understand your points. Everyone in my life knows about Patrick. For me, I want to be up front about it from the get-go because if someone is so not ok with it all, I want to know as soon as possible. I would hate to be in a relationship for a year, then tell the guy about Patrick and have him react so badly that we end things over it. I don't know though....everyone is different. This is just my opinion. I wish you luck with the decision on when to tell him. It's not easy!
I was sent off to a wage home to hide my pregnancy from all and sundry, and then told of course never to tell anyone ever. Well, i had no idea how to anyway, but when i got to university ... well, sometimes you confide your deepest secrets to your female friends .. Well, one of these female friends decided that as i had not told a new (and serious) boyfriend about my son, that it was her duty to do it, so he would "know the truth about me." Thankfully, he didn't care, but others have. But that is the attitude that many have. Hopefully none of your family and friends will feel duty-bound to "tell him the truth" before you can.
I have also found by experience that there is also a huge difference between telling someone that you willingly gave away your child and telling them that it was a forced (or coerced, manipulated, etc.) surrender. Being forced into having surrendered your child is (in many people's eyes) like having been raped as opposed to "having slept around." It is not your fault, you are not to blame, you bear no guilt for it. I have found that many who at first reject me for having willingly abandoned my child change their opinion when they found that he was illegally stolen and withheld from me right at birth. Knowing your story, you did not have free will and choice about the surrender of your baby. It was as coerced as they can come. Just as coerced as when i lost my son.
I told my husband early in our relationship. It was all fine until reunion, when he had to face my pain, remorse and sadness I had never dealt with before. He thought I should just get over it, and was not supportive. He has gotten much better now. That's what we are here for though. We understand each other and hold each other up. We're here for you too, and can help you get through this.
I told my fiance about 2 months after we got serious. Me, my son, and our friends talk about it so much that it would have been hard to hide anyway. lol But it is good that I told him then, because less than a year later I was contacted by the AMom of my then 14 year old, wanting us to have a relationship. I didn't have the years I thought until the reunion. Then less than a year after that, I was contacted by my other son. My oldest sons mom has started and stopped contact many times, so there has been a very big roller coaster ride here, but my fiance has stood by me 100% and even asks if I have heard from him, because we sneak around and talk. I am glad he is so supportive, although I know not everyone will be that way. Good luck to you.
Check out some of the top posts today in Groups:
Awesome weekend! Update!!!
- randi1978
on Feb. 13, 2012 at 10:42 AM