Guilt...

[MoLLiy]

I placed my 2nd born child in March 2010. She will turn 2 on Feb 24th. I found out 3 1/2 weeks ago that I am pregnant again. Dh and I had been trying and he is ecstatic, I on the other hand feel nothing but guilt. Absolutely nothing has changed since I placed Makayla except my last name and my address. I figured that there would be some guilt but not this much. I can't even begin to describe the pain I'm feeling. Dh thinks it's just the hormones getting to me but I know that it's something more... We told our 5yo dd and she responded "Do we get to keep this baby or will they have to go to a new home too?" I almost died when she said that! I can't even function. My family is ok with this pregnancy which makes it worse since nothing has changed. This just further confirms my relatively solid suspicions that I was forced to place based on her skin color.

What can I do to feel better?
Should I tell the aparents? I have not heard from them in awhile but I planned on trying to make contact again soon.

[Cedartrees4]

Congratulations on your pregnancy.  You are going to have a lot to process, but I think that one line in what you write is your key to shedding all that guilt.   When you write "I was forced to place"  , please know that that means it is NOT your fault, NOT your decision, NOT your choice to have given away/abandoned your precious daughter.  You are NOT to blame!!   Not any more than someone who was pushed out into traffic is "responsible" for causing a traffic accident -- the person who did the pushing was.  And similarly, the person who pushed/forced/manipulated/pressured you when you were at your most vulnerable is the one who should be bearing that blame, guilt, and shame. NOT YOU!   Remember, few women willingly give away their own flesh and blood -- it goes against every instinct we have.  Do not blame yourself!  If you ned to write it through, go through the coercion checklist, even add things to it that made you feel you had to surrender your precious child. http://www.originscanada.org/adoption-coercion-checklist/ .   Remember, unless you were able to recover from birth with your child (and thus make an informed choice without influence from pregnancy and birthing hormones) and did not "choose adoption" based on outside pressure from anyone or any thing, it was NOT your decision and you have NO reason to feel any guilt, regret, or self-hate.  Most of us who were coerced stood no chance in the face of the pressure and what was done to us.  Remember, the industry has research from the 1950s onwards on how to increase surrender rates, how to make you feel you had to surrender your child (and how to make you believe it was your choice.).  :(   You do not deserve to bear thsi burden!

[onethentwins]

I'm so sorry you feel that way and congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sure your suspicions are correct and how awful to have to hear that from  your daughter :( I hope you find the peace you need in order to forgive yourself and enjoy your new baby.

It is possible if you tell the APs  they will feel less threatened by you. 

[susie703]

Oh Molliy ~ I'm so sorry that the grief from the loss of your daughter to adoption is taking away your joy for this new baby! I'm heartbroken at what your 5 year old said also...  That is something that the adoption industry NEVER tells mothers who are already raising a child ~ the deep effects choosing adoption for a younger sibling has on the older ones. 

I cannot stress how much I agree with everything Cedar wrote above!  I can't think of anything to add to her wonderful advice.

I pray that you can find a way to shed your guilt, that you can find peace in your heart and fully embrace this new life you are bringing into the world! 

Sending you lots of positive energy and strength!

[Vikki77]

I am sorry about your guilt. The other ladies are right, you are not to blame. I know that feeling of guilt though. And it has lessened over the years. The loss of my 2 boys made me treasure my 2 youngest even more. I hope you find a way to enjoy this pregnancy. We are here any time you need to talk. We do understand. I will be praying for you.

[MoLLiy]

I'm hoping that by telling them that is what will happen and maybe they will keep communication open instead of trying to keep me out of the loop.

Quoting onethentwins:

I'm so sorry you feel that way and congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sure your suspicions are correct and how awful to have to hear that from  your daughter :( I hope you find the peace you need in order to forgive yourself and enjoy your new baby.

It is possible if you tell the APs  they will feel less threatened by you. 

[vampporcupine]

 Congrats on the upcoming arrival of your new baby Molliy. I'm so sorry for the guilt and pain you feel. All the other ladies answered you regarding the guilt very well so I have nothing else to say. HUGS!

[Myrick4pack]

Molly I was just in your shoes. All the ladies are right! I just had my baby girl 7 weeks ago. I didn't tell my A parents until about a week after she was born. I wasn't ready yet. So I waited until I felt ready. My A mom could not have been happier for us. The excitement in her voice made me so elated! I thought we had nothing to offer this precious baby I was carrying. Nothing had changed for us. Since the last adoption. Specially finances! I was overwhelmed w/ stress & depressed. Crying almost everyday. I truly wish that I had enjoyed my pregnancy! Specially b/c it was my last due unexpected problems during the c-section. I'll keep you in my thoughts! Hoping you take every ones advice. I wish you the best! Congratulations! ; )

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