just one thing after another

[BE_U_T_XPRT]

Just need to vent and get some advice about my situation if anyone here has some. I am being dragged through court again with my ex who is my second daughters dad. This is the second time with the intention to keep taking me until he gets what he wants. We are in the middle of court ordered mediation. He is firm that he wants 50/50 scheduling and I am trying to compromise with anything but. His idea of 50/50 feels like more than that as I would only get to see my daughter 3 days of the week. Today was another mediation appointment and I went in with a lot of new ideas of compromising a new schedule but it was all for nothing. Today was hell! He basically said that I gave up my first daughter to total strangers, what was best for her and that he cannot believe I will not give up my second daughter to him for half of her time. I was shocked. First I was mad that he would bring it up in relation to my 2nd daughter and then I was mad because he was judging me. He said he didn't understand how I could give away my own child and to total strangers. And that if i can do that why I wouldn't give up his daughter to him. He was judging me and knowing my weekness using it against me. Now I am terrified that he will bring this out in court. This whole custody battle with my second daughter has been very traumatic for me, I feel like I am losing my other child. I can't seem to pull myself together and face this trial again. Which is where we are headed since he will not compromise and I don't feel the schedule he is proposing is best for our daughter. I am looking for some advice. My instinct says to hold on and not give in but I am not sure if this is because of my past with my first daughter and it might be clouding my judgement with my second. I have so much anxiety about the situation. Not sure if a judge will give him what he wants but I do know that he will probably get more time. I am just hoping that the adoption info doesn't come out in court to be used against me because I feel that I will have to defend myself and no one knows how I truly feel with exception of my husband. I just don't want to open that can of worms I guess. It feels so overwhelming I don't even know what to do or how to prepare. I guess I need to tell my attorney about my first daughter so she knows. I hate this so badly and hate feeling like everyone is judging me about my past. Like I am some kind of criminal.

[WsBirthmom]

I've been through the custody thing. When you go into mediation have a plan..1) Decide and write down what you are OK with happening.
2) Then decide what would be the worst that could happen (he would get what he is asking for I'm guessing) 3) Now. Write down scenarios in between and work on details of ALL of them which are all LESS less than what he wants. Basically, start out not budging and saying 'No, I'm not giving you anything', and then listen to him talk and year what he is saying, and very slowly, work with your scenarios, slowly giving in to a little more as you go on, but never getting to the scenario that you are ok with if you can help it. I hope this makes sense...I took a class once on the 'art of negotiation', and boy did it help me in the battle. I ended up getting everything I wanted and more because I worked backwards from giving in to nothing he wanted, and seemingly giving up a few things as we talked through the mediation meeting. I'm sorry that he is fighting dirty, however don't tell him that bothers you, just go backwards in negotiating when he brings it up. He will learn not to, without you saying that you don't want it brought up. I wish u lots of luck and strength, you must write everything down and study it so that you are prepared. I eventually got everything I wanted in my case, because he didn't use his negotiating skills. Let him talk and listen to him, use what he is saying he wants and see where that falls in on your scenario map. Good luck!!

[BE_U_T_XPRT]

 

Quoting WsBirthmom:

I've been through the custody thing. When you go into mediation have a plan..1) Decide and write down what you are OK with happening.
2) Then decide what would be the worst that could happen (he would get what he is asking for I'm guessing) 3) Now. Write down scenarios in between and work on details of ALL of them which are all LESS less than what he wants. Basically, start out not budging and saying 'No, I'm not giving you anything', and then listen to him talk and year what he is saying, and very slowly, work with your scenarios, slowly giving in to a little more as you go on, but never getting to the scenario that you are ok with if you can help it. I hope this makes sense...I took a class once on the 'art of negotiation', and boy did it help me in the battle. I ended up getting everything I wanted and more because I worked backwards from giving in to nothing he wanted, and seemingly giving up a few things as we talked through the mediation meeting. I'm sorry that he is fighting dirty, however don't tell him that bothers you, just go backwards in negotiating when he brings it up. He will learn not to, without you saying that you don't want it brought up. I wish u lots of luck and strength, you must write everything down and study it so that you are prepared. I eventually got everything I wanted in my case, because he didn't use his negotiating skills. Let him talk and listen to him, use what he is saying he wants and see where that falls in on your scenario map. Good luck!!

 Thanks for your advice.  I did do this but he is convinced a judge will give him what he wants if I won't.  I spent all day running around getting information for interrogatory questions they asked me that were due today.  It's painful and he is digging up all my history and little details that I don't think are even relavent to the case.  Also, the other day I had to re-read the original document he filed for this new case, and he is actually requesting physical custody of my daughter.  I can't beleive he has the nerve to try to take her away & I can't beleive I never noticed this!  He is citing all kinds of fathers rights cases. 

I know at this point there isn't much I can do but put it in God's hands.  I just pray I don't lose my 2nd daughter too. 

[2jeffsmom]

I hope you get a judge who finds his words cruel, like they are! Hang in there. I think if he brings up your other daughter, the judge will see right through him, and hopefully call him on it. I think your lawyer needs to know too. He/she doesn't need any surprises.

[rahulsey]

As far as the adoption... My ex brought it up too. So I tell the court - yes it's true and u did what was best for your daughter and your would always do what is best for your children in any given situation . They come first. That's what that proves - nothing else in my mind.... And the past is the past ... The judge wants to hear about how u are going to provide for this child in the future. So don't make it a he did this game... And explain that to the judge... Don't attack back ... Even though u want to ... U will look better. Just say I can bring a list just as long as he did of things in the past , but this isn't about that... This is about now and the future our daughter and how we are going to raise her.. That's what the judge wants to know

[WsBirthmom]

Get any documentation you can to discredit his claims.  Anything....you....can......find.  Be sure to tell your attorney, everything so that they will be able to refocus on the 'issue at hand'.

[aprilz1225]

 I agree.. my brother just got coustody of his two children... while she was trying to sling dirt on my brother... she did it to herself instead. did my brother ever try drugs ... he said yes to her attorney... when it was his lawyers turn.... he pulled out her arrest record for drugs... she ask to the judge (my brother's ex) why that was relevent and her attorny had no clue she was arrested. it will come back to bite him!!! (your ex).

There is nothing wrong with being honest.  YOU DID WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS BEST AS A PARENT AND WILL CONTINUE TO DO WHAT IS BEST FOR MY CHILD.

Quoting rahulsey:

As far as the adoption... My ex brought it up too. So I tell the court - yes it's true and u did what was best for your daughter and your would always do what is best for your children in any given situation . They come first. That's what that proves - nothing else in my mind.... And the past is the past ... The judge wants to hear about how u are going to provide for this child in the future. So don't make it a he did this game... And explain that to the judge... Don't attack back ... Even though u want to ... U will look better. Just say I can bring a list just as long as he did of things in the past , but this isn't about that... This is about now and the future our daughter and how we are going to raise her.. That's what the judge wants to know