Hey everyone. I'm not to sure how to start this so let me start from the beginning. I was 19 when I had my first child. I was married to a man who wasn't very attentive as a husband or a father. I stuck out the marriage and when my first son was about 2 I had a second son. I finally separated from my husband and met a different man who I thought was it. My mother passed away when I was 23 and I found out within a few days of her death that I was pregnant with my daughter. My then husband left me and I was left alone to raise two boys and soon to be a little girl. During all of this chaous I got into some trouble and was incarcerated for three years.(I deserved to be there) My boys were put into foster care and I had my daughter while I was in prison. She was taken fro me less than 24 hours after I had her. Knowing that my boys were in foster and now not being able to hold my daughter killed me. After I was released on parole, I was working on reunification with all of them but soon realized that I could barely take care of my self, how would I be able to take care of them properly. The next events would change my life forever. I the decision to give them up for adoption.
Today I am remarried to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful little boy together. He is a great husband and and even more wonderful father. He considers my other kids his kids. I have contact with my daughter and she not only know that I am her birth mother but she also understand why I gave her up. I could not have asked for a better family for her and they keep me posted on everything. She is now 9 years old and they have had her since birth, I am grateful to them for giving her the love and care that I at the time could not. My boys were kept together but I do not know where they are nor do I have contact with them I am not trying to interferer with the life that they have nor am I trying to cause an issue of any sort. I am currently writing a letter to them because they too deserve an explanation. I have been working on this letter for several years because I don't know how to start it really nor do I know what to say. I could really use some advice from another mom or mom's who have been through this.
They are 12 and 14 now and not a day goes by that I don't think about them (all 3 of them) and wonder what could have been. I love them with all of my heart, soul, and every fiber of my being. I cry often because my heart hurts so badly. I lost a huge part of myself along with a part of my heart the day I gave them up, and I question myself weather I made the right decision. I know deep down inside I did because it was about them, not me. But there will always be that pain in my heart from the loss. I would love to get some advice and hear about anyone else's story of their journey with this subject.
Thanks everyone for listening A broken hearted and very lost mom.