Hi everybody,
I just watched Dr. Phil today and he has a 2 part story about a 16 year old girl named Brittany. The first half is 8/16/2012 and the next part is tomorrow 8/17..It is about her parents wanting her to give up her baby. She wants to keep her Baby but her Mom and Dad what her to give her Baby as a gift to people that can not have a child...Our Children are NOT gifts!!! I feel this is barbaric and cruel. Will some of you write to Dr. Phil and explain all the things we went through? All the way,to not being able to get them their real birth certificates? I wrote to him and tried to explain my sitution, and I think if you write him it may open his eyes and Britanys Parents eyes! Why do amoms think we owe them Our children? This is bothering me so much. If you have a little time will you try to help?
Thank you for listening,
Rhonda
Hugs, Rhonda
Quoting onethentwins:
Quoting happycatcher:
I am very confused by a lot of the things I'm reading...I'm not sure what the comment about amoms are owed your children? If you have chosen the adoption rout, chosen the parents, and signed over your rights, I mean, that was your choice. As the parent of that child until he/was placed, it was your job to educate yourself (general you, op) and make a decision on what you feel is best for the child. I'm not sure in what way aparents feel they are owed a child. Also, I see a lot of "I lost my child to adoption." I believe that isn't very accurate. You made a choice to place that child with adoptive parents. That is not losing a child. That is the choice you made. If the aparents promised an open adoption and didnt stick to that, it is told to birthmothers repeatedly that legally, those agreements are not binding. So you were aware there was a chance those agreements could be broken. It seems like many birthmothers are victimizing themselves when they are not victims at all, but were active participants in the choice to place their child for adoption.I agree that we should have educated ourselves about adoption. Unfortunately, many of us relied on adoption agencies to educate us. We thought that they had our best interests at heart. We didn't realise that actually their main objective was to make money on the transfer of our children to other families. The adoption industry is huge $$$$. They told us that our children would be better off. That the most loving thing was to give our children away and that keeping them would be selfish, That we would get over it and go on to have children "of our own" that would make up for the one we'd lost. They told us our children were "blank slates" and as long as we chose loving couples to raise them they'd be fine.
They never told us that we could suffer PTSD, or depression, or self esteem issues. They never told us that our children could suffer abandonment and rejection issues, from being given away by the woman that should have been willing to die for them. We had to learn that from the women that had come before us and the adult adoptees that we found on line, in support groups, and those that had written books.
I''m glad that you know open adoption is not legally enforceable. What did you do to educate yourself?
I told the aparents after I met them and got to know them that nothing would proceed after that until I had my own private lawyer and private counselor who could not benefit from the adoption in any way and I wanted to choose the lawyer and counselor. And I spent a month and a half going over every law, potential problem, whatever with that lawyer. And I utilized that counselor and educated myself on common issues the child or myself could have and then required the aparents take counseling so they could educate themselves on what my counselor taught me about possible negative traumas the baby coudl suffer and how they should help prevent and treat that. Before any of this however, I had joined an agency and once all that bs you described started, told them they were freaks and to go you know where. They did the same crap as they did to you. I didn't know about independant adoption at the time and was terrified, not wanting to raise the baby but also knowing these agencies are creepy, disgusting baby farms that exploit a birthmothers situation to profit from rich infertal couples. Makes me mad even talking about the agencies and some of the garbage they spewed. Now, I had a grandfather who I kind of "Reported" back to and he was the one who told me I was being taken advantage of, that these people were getting rich off of my child. I had already known they were freaks but he had my back and I know had I been young or immature or didn't have someone like gpa or if I just didn't understand what was being done to me, I wouldn't have known how sick and twisted those places are. I'm highly suspicious of the aparents who participate in those baby making money mills too. Now, when I learned about independant adoption by googeling "adoption agency alternative" I started researching independant. One of the things that stood out to me when I did my first phone call with Max's amom was, I was sharing with her my horror stories about the agencies and she said "It isn't moral and even if it takes longer or doesn't happen at all, I'd rather that than being involved in such a gross practice." She would rather not have a child at all than participate in an agency. Much different than the "I don't care what it takes, I'm getting me a baby." mentality of the agency aparents. Anyway, sorry about the rant on the agencies. I just really, really hate how they made me feel and how sick and twisted the whole thing was and I'm sorry you went through that.
Quoting happycatcher:
Quoting onethentwins:
Quoting happycatcher:
I am very confused by a lot of the things I'm reading...I'm not sure what the comment about amoms are owed your children? If you have chosen the adoption rout, chosen the parents, and signed over your rights, I mean, that was your choice. As the parent of that child until he/was placed, it was your job to educate yourself (general you, op) and make a decision on what you feel is best for the child. I'm not sure in what way aparents feel they are owed a child. Also, I see a lot of "I lost my child to adoption." I believe that isn't very accurate. You made a choice to place that child with adoptive parents. That is not losing a child. That is the choice you made. If the aparents promised an open adoption and didnt stick to that, it is told to birthmothers repeatedly that legally, those agreements are not binding. So you were aware there was a chance those agreements could be broken. It seems like many birthmothers are victimizing themselves when they are not victims at all, but were active participants in the choice to place their child for adoption.I agree that we should have educated ourselves about adoption. Unfortunately, many of us relied on adoption agencies to educate us. We thought that they had our best interests at heart. We didn't realise that actually their main objective was to make money on the transfer of our children to other families. The adoption industry is huge $$$$. They told us that our children would be better off. That the most loving thing was to give our children away and that keeping them would be selfish, That we would get over it and go on to have children "of our own" that would make up for the one we'd lost. They told us our children were "blank slates" and as long as we chose loving couples to raise them they'd be fine.
They never told us that we could suffer PTSD, or depression, or self esteem issues. They never told us that our children could suffer abandonment and rejection issues, from being given away by the woman that should have been willing to die for them. We had to learn that from the women that had come before us and the adult adoptees that we found on line, in support groups, and those that had written books.
I''m glad that you know open adoption is not legally enforceable. What did you do to educate yourself?
I told the aparents after I met them and got to know them that nothing would proceed after that until I had my own private lawyer and private counselor who could not benefit from the adoption in any way and I wanted to choose the lawyer and counselor. And I spent a month and a half going over every law, potential problem, whatever with that lawyer. And I utilized that counselor and educated myself on common issues the child or myself could have and then required the aparents take counseling so they could educate themselves on what my counselor taught me about possible negative traumas the baby coudl suffer and how they should help prevent and treat that. Before any of this however, I had joined an agency and once all that bs you described started, told them they were freaks and to go you know where. They did the same crap as they did to you. I didn't know about independant adoption at the time and was terrified, not wanting to raise the baby but also knowing these agencies are creepy, disgusting baby farms that exploit a birthmothers situation to profit from rich infertal couples. Makes me mad even talking about the agencies and some of the garbage they spewed. Now, I had a grandfather who I kind of "Reported" back to and he was the one who told me I was being taken advantage of, that these people were getting rich off of my child. I had already known they were freaks but he had my back and I know had I been young or immature or didn't have someone like gpa or if I just didn't understand what was being done to me, I wouldn't have known how sick and twisted those places are. I'm highly suspicious of the aparents who participate in those baby making money mills too. Now, when I learned about independant adoption by googeling "adoption agency alternative" I started researching independant. One of the things that stood out to me when I did my first phone call with Max's amom was, I was sharing with her my horror stories about the agencies and she said "It isn't moral and even if it takes longer or doesn't happen at all, I'd rather that than being involved in such a gross practice." She would rather not have a child at all than participate in an agency. Much different than the "I don't care what it takes, I'm getting me a baby." mentality of the agency aparents. Anyway, sorry about the rant on the agencies. I just really, really hate how they made me feel and how sick and twisted the whole thing was and I'm sorry you went through that.
Oh please don't apologize to me about how evil adoption agencies are; you're preaching to the converted here!!!
This reply is rubbing me the wrong way. The only way it would benefit mother and baby is if the mother absolutely does not want to parent (and those cases are actually quite rare) or she is so caught up in addiction there is little chance that will change. Most do so because of finances, lack of support, stress, fear. A teen mother can still be a mother and still get the occasional "me time" to enjoy her youth. Growing up doesn't mean going out and doing stupid shit. She can still get her education, still grow as a person and still be a good mother to her child. To make a teenager believe otherwise is cruel.
The best place and best interest of a child will always be to remain with their biological parents (outside of abuse and neglect, obviously). Instead of convincing teens that they're not going to be good enough because of their age, all efforts should be made to keep mom and baby together unless it is impossible because of abuse, lack of desire to parent or addiction.
Quoting happycatcher:
Perhaps an adoption would benefit both mother and baby. Mother has the opportunity to grow up, get anItIt education, make the mistakes all young adults make without exposing a child to those mistakes, and baby is raised by adoptive parents who are able to provide the stability and opportunities the child deserves. It sounds like you have had a very negative experience when it comes to adoption. Many adoptions are very positive experiences. What would you feel like if your sixteen uear old wanted herself to place a baby with an adoptive family? Would you be against it?
Quoting adopteeme:Quoting happycatcher:
I feel like Dr. Phil exploits the pain of others for ratings. I also feel like I would highly encourage my daughter to consider adoption if she was only sixteen and pregnant. I would want her to focus on college and making a life for herself before parenthood. I honestly just don't think a sixteen year old fully comprehends what motherhood entails. I sure wouldn't handle that situation on a talk show though.
I'm on the other end of the spectrum. There's no way I would let a grandbaby be kicked out of the family, because of their Mothers age, and timing of their birth.
I have talked a storm with my kids. The adoption cycle ends with me -I hope and pray they've listened that you don't need a paper that shows you gave birth- when you didn't - to parent a child not of your blood. There's fostering, and guardianship, and step parenting. There is no need to erase the original family and pretend the child was born to you.
Oh, and as far as Dr. Phil is concerned...I know that cueball is very pro adoption, especially for unwed and teen parents. He can go and fuck himself. He's a douche.
Quoting randi1978:Oh, and as far as Dr. Phil is concerned...I know that cueball is very pro adoption, especially for unwed and teen parents. He can go and fuck himself. He's a douche.
Dr phil is fraud. My amom went to school with him at Shawnee Mission North in Shawnee, KS. They even went on a date or two. What he fails to mention on his show is that the wife that is on with him alot, is his 2nd wife. The first left him due to repeated abuse and cheating. I CAN NOT take that man AT ALL.
Quoting randi1978:This reply is rubbing me the wrong way. The only way it would benefit mother and baby is if the mother absolutely does not want to parent (and those cases are actually quite rare) or she is so caught up in addiction there is little chance that will change. Most do so because of finances, lack of support, stress, fear. A teen mother can still be a mother and still get the occasional "me time" to enjoy her youth. Growing up doesn't mean going out and doing stupid shit. She can still get her education, still grow as a person and still be a good mother to her child. To make a teenager believe otherwise is cruel.
The best place and best interest of a child will always be to remain with their biological parents (outside of abuse and neglect, obviously). Instead of convincing teens that they're not going to be good enough because of their age, all efforts should be made to keep mom and baby together unless it is impossible because of abuse, lack of desire to parent or addiction.
Quoting happycatcher:
Perhaps an adoption would benefit both mother and baby. Mother has the opportunity to grow up, get anItIt education, make the mistakes all young adults make without exposing a child to those mistakes, and baby is raised by adoptive parents who are able to provide the stability and opportunities the child deserves. It sounds like you have had a very negative experience when it comes to adoption. Many adoptions are very positive experiences. What would you feel like if your sixteen uear old wanted herself to place a baby with an adoptive family? Would you be against it?
Quoting adopteeme:Quoting happycatcher:
I feel like Dr. Phil exploits the pain of others for ratings. I also feel like I would highly encourage my daughter to consider adoption if she was only sixteen and pregnant. I would want her to focus on college and making a life for herself before parenthood. I honestly just don't think a sixteen year old fully comprehends what motherhood entails. I sure wouldn't handle that situation on a talk show though.
I'm on the other end of the spectrum. There's no way I would let a grandbaby be kicked out of the family, because of their Mothers age, and timing of their birth.
I have talked a storm with my kids. The adoption cycle ends with me -I hope and pray they've listened that you don't need a paper that shows you gave birth- when you didn't - to parent a child not of your blood. There's fostering, and guardianship, and step parenting. There is no need to erase the original family and pretend the child was born to you.
Quoting happycatcher:
I just have mixed feelings about it. I was seventeen when I had my daughter and wanted to place her for adoption when I was pregnant. My family said there was no way I was doing that and I was so young I didn't know how to do anything other than what I was told. Struggleing through college and full time job while trying to raise a family with no help from.family, not even to babysit made me feel like I had ruined both of our lives. I felt like the worst mother in the world and developed so many guilty feelings for my child living in utter poverty without a father and opportunities other children had. It took me years to really forgive my family for forcing that on my daughter and me. That was eight years ago and I am still in college, still always working. I never really got the chance to stand on my feet and it's slow going. I look back and feel like I made soooo many mistakes in my parenting with her when she was little because I was just a kid with no clue. I have no idea how she's turned out to be as amazing as she is.
Quoting randi1978:This reply is rubbing me the wrong way. The only way it would benefit mother and baby is if the mother absolutely does not want to parent (and those cases are actually quite rare) or she is so caught up in addiction there is little chance that will change. Most do so because of finances, lack of support, stress, fear. A teen mother can still be a mother and still get the occasional "me time" to enjoy her youth. Growing up doesn't mean going out and doing stupid shit. She can still get her education, still grow as a person and still be a good mother to her child. To make a teenager believe otherwise is cruel.
The best place and best interest of a child will always be to remain with their biological parents (outside of abuse and neglect, obviously). Instead of convincing teens that they're not going to be good enough because of their age, all efforts should be made to keep mom and baby together unless it is impossible because of abuse, lack of desire to parent or addiction.
Quoting happycatcher:
Perhaps an adoption would benefit both mother and baby. Mother has the opportunity to grow up, get anItIt education, make the mistakes all young adults make without exposing a child to those mistakes, and baby is raised by adoptive parents who are able to provide the stability and opportunities the child deserves. It sounds like you have had a very negative experience when it comes to adoption. Many adoptions are very positive experiences. What would you feel like if your sixteen uear old wanted herself to place a baby with an adoptive family? Would you be against it?
Quoting adopteeme:Quoting happycatcher:
I feel like Dr. Phil exploits the pain of others for ratings. I also feel like I would highly encourage my daughter to consider adoption if she was only sixteen and pregnant. I would want her to focus on college and making a life for herself before parenthood. I honestly just don't think a sixteen year old fully comprehends what motherhood entails. I sure wouldn't handle that situation on a talk show though.
I'm on the other end of the spectrum. There's no way I would let a grandbaby be kicked out of the family, because of their Mothers age, and timing of their birth.
I have talked a storm with my kids. The adoption cycle ends with me -I hope and pray they've listened that you don't need a paper that shows you gave birth- when you didn't - to parent a child not of your blood. There's fostering, and guardianship, and step parenting. There is no need to erase the original family and pretend the child was born to you.
That would be you ,most birthmothers don't feel that way.I belong to many groups even a group for birthmothers ,adoptees and adoptive mothers together.I did want my son ,I was in college doing very well and was locked into a agency home.I did return to school ,earned several degrees ,had a professional practice ,married ,had four children and we are very comfortable.Getting degrees with out one of my children was hell .There is always profound pain mixed with loss in all that I do.I love and enjoy my children I have raised but that pain is always there.I doubt the difficulties of working through a degree with a young child would be with me 35 years later...the loss of my son will always be there.I would give all the financial benifits away if it meant keeping my oldest.
I went back to my sorrority life ,all the typical college stuff and it was all done with a hole in my heart and in a dark cloud.It is a fantasy that most girls hop right back into life as if they had not lost a child.
I also know about several types of loss of a child.I experienced secondary infertility not due to STDs ,lost my daughters twin sisI have been pregnant 9 times and have 5 living children .Adoption loss has been the worse.
introducing myself...
- RhondaGab
on Aug. 16, 2012 at 10:49 AM