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Memories

Posted by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 6:53 PM
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 I know, I know, I haven't made a post in a long time. I have been doing a pretty good job at shoving my pain into the closet and I am glad I have. Every now and then I have a bit seep through and well...here I am posting.

My father is terminally ill. He has had the expiration date stamped to the bottom of his foot more than a few time but he keeps ticking. I have forgiven my father for the most part of his part in my eternal destruction aka my daughters adoption/abduction. He did half-assed apologize to me and he was sincere but followed it up with how she's had a great life and family, etc etc etc....he wouldn't know because he has never met her. That being said, I have yet to meet her again also. BUT the justifications he gave after his attempt to apologize was like a knife searing thru my heart.

Anyways, what I was getting to is that I have refused to go to see my dad for 4 months. I keep having the reoccurring memories of how he never even came to the hospital when my daughter was born. He has never laid eyes on his FIRST grandchild. The kicker is the letter. The letter in my hospital records. This whole thing keeps replaying over and over and over in my mind and won't stop. He sent a letter to the hospital stating "to do whatever is medically necessary for his daughter" this was dated 3 WEEKS before I delivered. He didn't even have the f'ing decency to come to the hospital administration office to give his consent for me while I was there! He didn't have to see me either but he couldn't even bring himself to be in the same building as me because I had shamed him. I am trying to get thru this as I know time is short for him but I just seethe when I think of him right now.

by on Aug. 24, 2012 at 6:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
onethentwins
by Gold Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 8:03 PM

It's totally understandable. I've often wondered how women forgive their parents for forcing them to give their children away. 

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 8:32 PM
He wasn't the one to force me. He just abandoned me and left me with no options and fed me to the wolves. It was my exmil who wanted to redeem her "Christian" status by sacrificing me

Quoting onethentwins:

It's totally understandable. I've often wondered how women forgive their parents for forcing them to give their children away. 

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drfink
by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2012 at 10:46 PM
4 moms liked this

First I am sorry for this along with your  other burdens and heartbreak.

Second I am NOT telling you what you need to do but what has happened with me and my mother.My wonderful shrink and my favorite minister ...one is Jewish and the other Christian they tell me between them in the fall and spring I am surrounded by Forgiveness...FOR ME for any mistakes I think I have caused.They both feel forgiveness for my mother is what I do IF it would make me feel better...period.Truthfully if you believe in eternal salvation your forgiveness of your dad has zippo to do with his salvation .That is someone else's job.I have tried and told myself I forgive my mom but then I go backwards.So she is who she is and it is not my job to say all is o.k. For me I have limited contact ,if she is sick I do my part ,I include her in a limited way like my kids family bdays and have very little day to day contact.This is what works for me.


My message is to you is follow what brings you the most peace.

HUGS

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 3:19 AM

I know that feeling of thoughts seeping through the repressed mind. It reminds me of an old cassette, and hitting rewind, then playing it over and over.

I'm so sorry for your painful memories.

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 3:50 AM
So sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine how that would feel. I hope you find peace in whatever you do. (((hugs)))
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Gwen72
by Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 8:57 AM
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I am sorry that you are going through this.  My parents didn't technically force me to place my son either but they said that I couldn't stay at home if I kept him.  I was under 18, still in high school, working at a fast food joint for less than $5.00 an hour.  How was I supposed to afford to take care of myself and my son much less stay in school?  They never came to any doctors appointments or to the hospital when my son was born.  They did not come with me when I had to go to the lawyers office to sign the TPR papers.  Yet, after I placed him, my parents were very upset with me that I "gave him away to strangers."   We have had very strained relationships since then (almost 21 years). My dad has never forgiven me for what I did.  I'm not sure how I will react when I am faced with your situation.  (((hugs)))

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 6:14 PM

 My father didn't technically force me but he didn't protect me from the paternal grandmother. My father had washed his hands from me and leftme with no options other than the paternal family. My ex-mil is who forced me. I don't know if I will ever forgive her. The hate I hold for her is greater than any I've ever felt for anyone.

 Your parents blame you but they abandoned you leaving you no other option also.

Quoting Gwen72:

I am sorry that you are going through this.  My parents didn't technically force me to place my son either but they said that I couldn't stay at home if I kept him.  I was under 18, still in high school, working at a fast food joint for less than $5.00 an hour.  How was I supposed to afford to take care of myself and my son much less stay in school?  They never came to any doctors appointments or to the hospital when my son was born.  They did not come with me when I had to go to the lawyers office to sign the TPR papers.  Yet, after I placed him, my parents were very upset with me that I "gave him away to strangers."   We have had very strained relationships since then (almost 21 years). My dad has never forgiven me for what I did.  I'm not sure how I will react when I am faced with your situation.  (((hugs)))

 

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 6:20 PM

 I want to make ammends and have a relationship with him. He is not the same man who abandoned me. Does he make excuses? YEP. I think if I were able to tell him point blank how I feel about what he did and call him out on how he tries to pretend that it is all ok now, I think I could get past it.

Since posting this yesterday, I think the reason that I have been having the reoccurring memory is because I haven't dealt with what I have remembered and learned in the last two years. I have tried to push it aside instead of allowing myself to feel my anger and deal with it. I had "forgiven" him for what little I could recall back then. Now I remember most of what happened and have seen the paperwork for things I didn't know. I think this is something that will take time for me.

Quoting drfink:

First I am sorry for this along with your  other burdens and heartbreak.

Second I am NOT telling you what you need to do but what has happened with me and my mother.My wonderful shrink and my favorite minister ...one is Jewish and the other Christian they tell me between them in the fall and spring I am surrounded by Forgiveness...FOR ME for any mistakes I think I have caused.They both feel forgiveness for my mother is what I do IF it would make me feel better...period.Truthfully if you believe in eternal salvation your forgiveness of your dad has zippo to do with his salvation .That is someone else's job.I have tried and told myself I forgive my mom but then I go backwards.So she is who she is and it is not my job to say all is o.k. For me I have limited contact ,if she is sick I do my part ,I include her in a limited way like my kids family bdays and have very little day to day contact.This is what works for me.

 

My message is to you is follow what brings you the most peace.

HUGS

 

drfink
by Silver Member on Aug. 25, 2012 at 11:16 PM


Quoting vampporcupine:

 I want to make ammends and have a relationship with him. He is not the same man who abandoned me. Does he make excuses? YEP. I think if I were able to tell him point blank how I feel about what he did and call him out on how he tries to pretend that it is all ok now, I think I could get past it.

Since posting this yesterday, I think the reason that I have been having the reoccurring memory is because I haven't dealt with what I have remembered and learned in the last two years. I have tried to push it aside instead of allowing myself to feel my anger and deal with it. I had "forgiven" him for what little I could recall back then. Now I remember most of what happened and have seen the paperwork for things I didn't know. I think this is something that will take time for me.

Quoting drfink:

First I am sorry for this along with your  other burdens and heartbreak.

Second I am NOT telling you what you need to do but what has happened with me and my mother.My wonderful shrink and my favorite minister ...one is Jewish and the other Christian they tell me between them in the fall and spring I am surrounded by Forgiveness...FOR ME for any mistakes I think I have caused.They both feel forgiveness for my mother is what I do IF it would make me feel better...period.Truthfully if you believe in eternal salvation your forgiveness of your dad has zippo to do with his salvation .That is someone else's job.I have tried and told myself I forgive my mom but then I go backwards.So she is who she is and it is not my job to say all is o.k. For me I have limited contact ,if she is sick I do my part ,I include her in a limited way like my kids family bdays and have very little day to day contact.This is what works for me.


My message is to you is follow what brings you the most peace.

HUGS

 

I'm very happy you have a more clear idea of what you want with your father.I wish you the best in figuring out how to proceed in working out what you feel you need to.

Just an idea do you think writing a letter to your dad expressing everything would help ? You could decide later if you wanted to read it to him or not .Would yall having a heart to heart be something that could clear things for both of you.Is he aware you are avoiding him ?Is it possible he also would like to get things resolved with you ?

HUGS and more HUGS.Good Luck !!!!!!!

My mom hasn't forgiven me yet for forcing her to lock me  away in a religious agency home and forcing her to make me give up her first grand child to save face.And somehow I prevented her from  ever getting married again...oh well.

DVT
by Bronze Member on Aug. 26, 2012 at 3:48 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this.  It's hard to forgive someone for not being there for you - for not standing up to your ex mil and say hey she's my granddaughter too - we can help!  My parents never did that for me either.  It took a long time to even say I've forgiven them.  Even through reunion (no matter how good it is) - you know things should be different.  It's very hard not to think back and say "what if".  I still go through that sometimes and wish things had changed. 

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