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Pregnant After Adoption

Posted by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 10:42 PM
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Yikes. Scary. PTSD in constant mode.

What are other people's experiences in being pregnant post adoption?


First let me share what little I know about my daughter. She is nothing like me. She's not really my daughter. She's kind of dead, since my daughter doesn't really exist anymore. She's a cheerleader. She just had a major injury. Concussion with post concussion syndrome and a slipped disk. The adoption is completely closed. I'm not supposed to have any contact. My daughter / not daughter hates me and thinks I'm a mental case. The adoptaraptors say I have no relationship to my daughter, I was simply a breeder. I'm not her mom, I'm not her birth mom. I should have known it was a closed adoption. They are constantly lying to her about me. She hates me. Etc.


So, now, I'm pregnant. I have had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy, all post adoption. I'm in a constant state of PTSD. It's a miracle my partner stays with me. We are attempting to do everything all natural. Home birth, midwife, etc. I WILL NOT EVER GO INTO A HOSPITAL AGAIN for a birth because of my previous experience of being completely manipulated in the hospital by my doctor, a spotter who was my daughter's pediatrician who contacted the agency and lawyer and they fed exed me a package and then showed up the day after my daughter was born to have me sign post dated papers. Promised an open adoption. Lied out their ____

So, now, I'm having incredibly difficult times bonding with the baby. I don't feel any emotional connection. I'm about 16 weeks, so its likely this baby will survive the immense trauma of my womb. I'm having a pretty difficult time focusing on the idea of pregnancy, and thinking of even what I need is overwhelming.


Any suggestions or words of wisdom?

by on Aug. 27, 2012 at 10:42 PM
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Replies (1-10):
vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Aug. 28, 2012 at 1:11 AM
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I was like this for my second daughter (first one after surrender). I didn't know what it was though as I didn't have much memory of the original trauma. I am glad you recognize the problems. There are some great books you should read. I'll try to find them again and post them for you.
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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Aug. 28, 2012 at 1:56 PM
4 moms liked this

My experience of being pregnant post adoption was great. But, my relinquishment experience was good and I had an open adoption so I had no PTSD or negative emotions. 

My suggestion is get some therapy for you PTSD.  

My other suggestion, completely without source or experience, is to stop buying into the lie that your daughter is not your daughter and you're not her mom. Stop repressing and start feeling the love you have for her and it may allow you to express love and joy for the child you're carrying.

Best of luck to you. 

drfink
by Silver Member on Aug. 28, 2012 at 2:23 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting onethentwins:

My experience of being pregnant post adoption was great. But, my relinquishment experience was good and I had an open adoption so I had no PTSD or negative emotions. 

My suggestion is get some therapy for you PTSD.  

My other suggestion, completely without source or experience, is to stop buying into the lie that your daughter is not your daughter and you're not her mom. Stop repressing and start feeling the love you have for her and it may allow you to express love and joy for the child you're carrying.

Best of luck to you. 

OTT is correct.

I expressed my PTSD differently than you are but until it was treated in therapy I only improved on the outside.Also learning it was ok to love him and miss him allowed my inside to match closer the exterior I showed the world.When you cut off a emotion that is really there the blocking can slide into other areas.This could be effecting your ability to start bonding with your baby.A sub conscious emotional attempt to protect yourself from pain and  then having to block the pain.

I hope you can find a therapist to work on your PTSD and allow you a safe place to talk about your daughter and the pain and anger you feel towards how you were treated.

BE_U_T_XPRT
by Member on Aug. 28, 2012 at 4:59 PM
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 I suppressed any trama I had until recently and I, for some reason, could no longer suppress it.  I was in an abusive relationship when I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter post adoption.  I remember only feelings of anger and overprotection towards myself and unborn child.  I do remember feeling like I should finally be happy that I am keeping this one but it was constant work to make myself.  Recently my counselor advised me that when I am feeling those overwhelming feelings or having flashback memories to bring myself to my current place.  Talking to myself to remind me where I am at, what I am doing so that I can concentrate more on what I need to be thinking about vs. the pain from the past.  BUT its really hard and I still don't know quite How to get through the ptsd.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Aug. 28, 2012 at 8:34 PM
I can't seem to find the two titles I had referred someone else a while back. Of you go to amazon.com search for prenatal bonding books
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snowwillow
by Member on Aug. 29, 2012 at 12:34 PM
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I gave my daughter up in 1972, I knew I would have another baby someday. I just had to have a baby I could keep. I had a good pregnancy and all the family was thrilled to have their FIRST grandchild. Good grief, my daughter was just swept under the rug, never to be seen again. So I had my son in 1977. That first year, everytime I looked at him I wondered what she looked like. As my son grew , my loss of my daughter became less intense and I lived my life of secrets and lies. Fast forward to 2001, my daughter was almost 30 and I decided it was time to search. Everyone was against it, but I looked anyway. I found her and we have a relationship of sorts but she said she had a Mother and I could not be her Mother. I feel lucky to have a relationship at all.

It was not until I had counseling in 2001 that I could come to grips with my life and the surrender of my first child.

WsBirthmom
by Member on Aug. 30, 2012 at 7:02 AM
1 mom liked this
I have been trying to have another baby for 9 months, and nothing is happening. I think I'm still too pissed off that I lost my son.
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HeatherRainbow
by Member on Sep. 1, 2012 at 12:22 AM

I understand completely. I was completely infertile for 10 YEARS after losing my daughter. Then I had two miscarriages. Now, this time, I think it's going to work. And, I'm still angry.

HeatherRainbow
by Member on Sep. 1, 2012 at 12:27 AM


Quoting vampporcupine:

I was like this for my second daughter (first one after surrender). I didn't know what it was though as I didn't have much memory of the original trauma. I am glad you recognize the problems. There are some great books you should read. I'll try to find them again and post them for you.

I look forward to hearing what they are. I have tons of adoption books, though... I'd love to hear it especially if it deals with adoption loss, and raising another child, or if it's not directly adoption related but related to these types of issues... thanx!

HeatherRainbow
by Member on Sep. 1, 2012 at 12:33 AM


Quoting onethentwins:

My experience of being pregnant post adoption was great. But, my relinquishment experience was good and I had an open adoption so I had no PTSD or negative emotions. 

My suggestion is get some therapy for you PTSD.  

My other suggestion, completely without source or experience, is to stop buying into the lie that your daughter is not your daughter and you're not her mom. Stop repressing and start feeling the love you have for her and it may allow you to express love and joy for the child you're carrying.

Best of luck to you. 


Much easier said than done. I've Tried therapy, and talk therapy doesn't work. After 14 years of searching, I still haven't found a therapist that gets the issues of adoption loss. I can't waste my time and money educating other people while I'm being triggered by educating them and they are supposed to be helping me.


In terms of the stop buying into it.... I don't buy into what they say. What I do is live in a complete paradox. While I gave birth to her, she has zero recognition of me, and I have no contact. This isn't parenting. This isn't being a parent. I am her parent, but, I am not her parent. She is my daughter, but she is not my daughter. There is no evidence that she is my daughter, as all birth certificates have been changed reflecting that her adopters gave birth to her. Her OBC is sealed. There is no evidence. It's a paradox. I can't love someone I don't know.

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