Yikes. Scary. PTSD in constant mode.
What are other people's experiences in being pregnant post adoption?
First let me share what little I know about my daughter. She is nothing like me. She's not really my daughter. She's kind of dead, since my daughter doesn't really exist anymore. She's a cheerleader. She just had a major injury. Concussion with post concussion syndrome and a slipped disk. The adoption is completely closed. I'm not supposed to have any contact. My daughter / not daughter hates me and thinks I'm a mental case. The adoptaraptors say I have no relationship to my daughter, I was simply a breeder. I'm not her mom, I'm not her birth mom. I should have known it was a closed adoption. They are constantly lying to her about me. She hates me. Etc.
So, now, I'm pregnant. I have had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy, all post adoption. I'm in a constant state of PTSD. It's a miracle my partner stays with me. We are attempting to do everything all natural. Home birth, midwife, etc. I WILL NOT EVER GO INTO A HOSPITAL AGAIN for a birth because of my previous experience of being completely manipulated in the hospital by my doctor, a spotter who was my daughter's pediatrician who contacted the agency and lawyer and they fed exed me a package and then showed up the day after my daughter was born to have me sign post dated papers. Promised an open adoption. Lied out their ____
So, now, I'm having incredibly difficult times bonding with the baby. I don't feel any emotional connection. I'm about 16 weeks, so its likely this baby will survive the immense trauma of my womb. I'm having a pretty difficult time focusing on the idea of pregnancy, and thinking of even what I need is overwhelming.
Any suggestions or words of wisdom?