Pregnant After Adoption

[HeatherRainbow]

Yikes. Scary. PTSD in constant mode.

What are other people's experiences in being pregnant post adoption?

First let me share what little I know about my daughter. She is nothing like me. She's not really my daughter. She's kind of dead, since my daughter doesn't really exist anymore. She's a cheerleader. She just had a major injury. Concussion with post concussion syndrome and a slipped disk. The adoption is completely closed. I'm not supposed to have any contact. My daughter / not daughter hates me and thinks I'm a mental case. The adoptaraptors say I have no relationship to my daughter, I was simply a breeder. I'm not her mom, I'm not her birth mom. I should have known it was a closed adoption. They are constantly lying to her about me. She hates me. Etc.

So, now, I'm pregnant. I have had two miscarriages prior to this pregnancy, all post adoption. I'm in a constant state of PTSD. It's a miracle my partner stays with me. We are attempting to do everything all natural. Home birth, midwife, etc. I WILL NOT EVER GO INTO A HOSPITAL AGAIN for a birth because of my previous experience of being completely manipulated in the hospital by my doctor, a spotter who was my daughter's pediatrician who contacted the agency and lawyer and they fed exed me a package and then showed up the day after my daughter was born to have me sign post dated papers. Promised an open adoption. Lied out their ____

So, now, I'm having incredibly difficult times bonding with the baby. I don't feel any emotional connection. I'm about 16 weeks, so its likely this baby will survive the immense trauma of my womb. I'm having a pretty difficult time focusing on the idea of pregnancy, and thinking of even what I need is overwhelming.

Any suggestions or words of wisdom?

[vampporcupine]

 

Quoting HeatherRainbow:

That's why I feel language is so important. I'm not telling my kid that. I'm going to let them know my story, not "their" story. My baby was stolen and trafficked. Illegal adoption is an oxymoron, therefore doesn't exist. Trafficking does.

I've been able to attach somewhat to the baby, to the best of my ability. But basically have major life changes going on to prevent total focus. My mom had cancer again, and then suffered a stroke. I may need to take care of her in my own home very soon. This is my crazy pregnant life.

 Heather, do your best to take time with just you and the baby. Find an hour to go read a children's story to your belly and rub it gently. Forcing yourself to do these things will become routine and eventually become things you enjoy. It's almost like programing yourself to reset.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your mom.

[snowwillow]

I had my bdaughter in jan 1972, married her father in july 1973 and had my son in nov 1977.

I thought I was fine that as long as I kept the secrets and lies that I was alright. My pregnancy with my son was great, everyone was so thrilled we were having a baby, oh yeah, except i'd  already had a baby, remember? The first year with him was kind of weird, everytime I looked at him, I thought of her, what did she look like etc.

Fastforward to 2001, I searched and found her and that's when I went into counseling. Reunion has been good. Every one is fine, or are we.