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Happy birthmoms?

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This question is really only for birth moms in this group, although adoptees and adoptive moms may respond if you if you like.

I have seen in other groups birthmoms talking to each other saying that they felt driven off in this group because their expressing their happiness in being birthmoms was met with such negitivity they they felt excluded. That they felt that we believed they were all in denial and that they were sure to come to the realization that they had made the wrong decision.

I like to believe, I hope to believe, I long to believe, that birth moms and adoptees that are in open adoption will be saved much of the grief and pain that so many of us here have experienced.

I also long to hear the stories of women in open adoption, in the hope that open adoption is in fact better for mom and child. I also think that no matter how great these adoptions are, that there will still be loss, pain, and sorrow on behalf of the birth moms, and that they too need our support.

Do you think that we drive these women away? if so, are you ok with that? If not how do you think we can change that?

by on Oct. 4, 2012 at 3:02 AM
Replies (11-20):
Southernroots
by Group Admin on Oct. 9, 2012 at 6:14 PM
1 mom liked this

Good question, it's something I have pondered a great deal!

Sometimes, I have had concerns when a pregnant woman comes here for advice, they DO feel scared away right away,  especially, if they are bombarded by lots of horror stories right off the bat.  However, I also think they NEED to hear the good, bad and the ugly.  Unfortunately, many of us do have many less than rosy experiences to share, and we all should be able to share our stories.

On the other hand, I think we should give some thought as to how we share our stories in ways that are honest and truthful, yet effective and helpful.  That said, it's not that easy for everyone to express themselves well.  I feel a responsibility to do all I can to warn pregnant women about the perils of adoption without scaring them to death in case they really need or must go through with it.

I am ambivalent about whether we need to change how we as a group respond to pregnant women considering adoption. Over time, I think many of us have gotten better at educating and informing rather than other less helpful ways of responding to PWCA.  I accept the fact that we will scare away some women so heavy into denial that they are totally incapable of hearing our truths.  However, I think it is always good for us to remember what our goal is, or should be, in our comments to PWCA.  We should aim to inform, empower and educate, not dictate to, scare or judge.  Sometimes, there is a fine line to walk, and it isn't always clear or easy how to accomplish what we itend to do.  However, I think being clear on our intentions is a good place to begin.  

I am NOT okay with excluding moms with open adoptions because I agree they need support and can sometimes learn valuable information from each other.  I think we should not exclude happy moms either, any more than other groups should exclude those with unhappy moms or moms with negative experiences. We can all learn from hearing BOTH sides of adoption.  I can't personally relate to moms who have this rosy, "I am happy I did it" mentality.  However, they probably can't relate to me either.  That's okay. 

I am a naturally happy and upbeat person; it's simply in my nature.  And, at this point in my life, I have achieved some peace and healing with my status as a birth mom.  Reunion did that for me and lots of hard work. However, although I am mostly a happy person, and at peace, I never expect to feel "happy" that I relinquished my son.  I will always be a happy and content person, I hope.  But, NEVER  will I be a happy birth mom. And, I will never understand how a mom can be "happy" she relinquished, no matter why she did.  She can feel she did what was "best" or thought she did, but, happy doesn't fit. 


HereWeGoAgain9
by Silver Member on Oct. 10, 2012 at 6:25 PM
2 moms liked this
^^ well SR, I consider myself a fairly strong, independent, relatively bright woman. Ppl told me I asked questions while considering adoption they'd never been asked before. I tend to overthink and sometimes create problems where things were kinda already going ok. And I felt intimidated. I'm a product of the industry - the baby given away and I felt turned off when I got here. I quickly understood that the common lingo was not ok but shit, it's all I ever heard, it's all almost anyone has heard, unless a member of a group like this. I took a few breaks, I thought "dang, ok they're hurting but I was just asking a simple question. I didn't know what I didn't know. Maybe I shouldn't post here." but.... And pls don't take this as ugly, y'all weren't my first priority. The baby I carried however, he was. I was determined to post and ask questions anywhere and everywhere, even if my feelings got hurt. It wasn't about me either. Just him and my other kids. The entire family dynamic would come later.
Anyhow, I am sensitive yet have fairly thick skin. And it took me a bit to get through and feel I earned my right to stay and share how I felt. And I am SO glad that I did!!!
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BE_U_T_XPRT
by Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 10:24 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting ceejay1_iz_back:

I think what HWGA, says below is 'more to the truth", than the idea that we scare some mothers off.

Truth is scary sometimes, not knowing is scary sometimes, boogy men under the bed is scary sometimes, but each individual journey of our life stories is NOT scary.

I just think some/many have not had to ask theirselves the tough questions, or have even "allowed" theirselves to realize that they literally and figuratively have placed their own flesh and blood with (most cases) genetic strangers, and destroyed a Mother / child relationship for evermore.  This is tough, when we are pre-conditioned to believe our "choices" our reasonings were the "best' for our child.

Now I am by no means saying their really and truly are women who for many personal reasons, will never be able/willing or wanting to be a Mother, and are indeed happy with their option of surrendering their baby.

I am always happy and feel good inside when I read that adoption is a wonderful option and IS working.  The studies are too soon to know.  However, I am NOT happy when these wonderful happy Mommies/ex-Mommies (is there such a thing?) come in here and act as if we are strange , foreign creatures, because we actually have a mourning , a yearning for our child, then proceed to disagree...that IS where I have a problem.

If they leave, it is not because of me, it is because, for many reasons, they cannot/will not face, that there really are women who regret, mourn, and love their children, way after the happy kool aid has dried up!

They leave because they just don't "fit"...YET!

We are here, if and when, and if they are mature enough, they will know this and "get it"...If not, "Ce La Vie", Adios, Au vois!...you get my drift, and so do they;)

I certainly would love to be around to see the day, that adoption is 'HAPPY".

Quoting HereWeGoAgain9:

It would make one wonder, I think, and if they're doing ok and feeling secure in their decision it may just be too hard to hear "negative" stories which make them question what they haven't had to. I hope that makes sense.

 

 Exactly!  I truly feel like it depends upon where a person is in their journey.  This group helps me a ton, but it also creates a lot of pain - makes me face my reality.  I go back and forth about whether I want to face it or repress it.  I cannot look at adoption as "happy" because for me it was way too tramatic.  I won't rain on someone's parade if they are happy just the way I would hope someone wouldn't tear me down because I am feeling bad.  As far as us changing? I don't think we should change, we all feel how we feel and this is a safe place to express it.

drfink
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 2:09 AM
3 moms liked this

I have thought about this a lot.If being a birth/first/natural mom was in REALITY a happy experience why do women that consider being surrogates that go through reputable ??? agencies need to go under psychological counseling to see if they are eligible ?To see if they can really live with the loss of their baby ...even babies that will not be biologically theirs and if they will be able to give them up.After all if it is only attitude and not a true deep soul scarring event why the need for psychological assessments for potential surrogates ?

If knowing your child is well cared for and loved is enough then why don't more fertile women have planned babies for their infertile brothers or sisters.?

Just wondering about these contrasts.

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 4:52 AM
That is a wonderful question! One I had never thought of before. But it offer a valid argument.

Quoting drfink:

I have thought about this a lot.If being a birth/first/natural mom was in REALITY a happy experience why do women that consider being surrogates that go through reputable ??? agencies need to go under psychological counseling to see if they are eligible ?To see if they can really live with the loss of their baby ...even babies that will not be biologically theirs and if they will be able to give them up.After all if it is only attitude and not a true deep soul scarring event why the need for psychological assessments for potential surrogates ?

If knowing your child is well cared for and loved is enough then why don't more fertile women have planned babies for their infertile brothers or sisters.?

Just wondering about these contrasts.

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JulesKH
by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 2:17 AM
1 mom liked this

I'm new here, and I hope I'm not over-stepping any boundaries with this because I am not a birth mom, I'm an adoptee. But I have a friend who is a birth mom. When we were in high school, she got pregnant our senior year. The baby's father was freaked out and didn't know what to think. She had people pressuring her to have an aportion. She even made an appointment and went to the clinic to talk to a doctor about it. She came to me the next day. She knew I was adopted and had a question for me. "do you hate your birth-mom for giving you up?" I was shocked she would even think that, but I've never been on that end of the equation. I've always loved my birth mom. I've never met her, but I love her. I only know her story. She was 18, unmarried, my birth father was out of the picture (no details as to why), and she felt she couldn't give me a good life and care for me properly. She chose to give me my life and a chance to have the type of life she couldn't give me. As I told my friend this, tears rolled down her face. She just hugged me and thanked me and told me that she knew she couldn't handle a baby right then, but after talking to the doctor she just didn't want to have an abortion because "I saw it, it's a baby", but she also couldn't bear the thought of carrying a baby 9 months and then it grow up hating her because she gave it up. We talked several more times through those 9 months. She even once told me that I helped "seal" her decision to carry and not abort. She said I gave her hope that her child would one-day understand that she did what she did out of love and wouldn't hate her for her choice. That kiddo is about 14 now. She has no contact with him because it was a closed adoption. But she is ok. I maybe wouldn't say "happy" all the time, but I would say "content". She knows she made the best choice for him. When she does mention concerns, it's more about how he feels. "does he understand?" "does he wonder about her?" "does he know in his heart that he now as a little half-sister?" But she doesn't mention pain over her decision.  She doesn't mention heartache for the child she doesn't know. Conversely she does express happiness about her decision not to abort and that he got to go to a good family who had the resources to give him a better life than she could've given him. She's content with her choice and his life because of it. So there are birth moms out there like that. I'm not saying it should be that way for everyone, no two people have the same circumstance or experience. I'm just saying that there are those that have no real regrets, just a few "i wonder" moments.

Also, on a more personal note. As an adoptee, if I could say something to my own birth mother, it would be this: Thank You. For loving me enough to give me life. For loving me enough to let me go. For giving me all the wonderful opportunities I've had in life with my adopted family. I've never met you, but I hold you in my heart. I love you.

2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 4:40 AM

Jules, I hope your 1st mom can hear those last three words you wrote some day in person. I got to hear those words from my son last month and it has lit my life. My heart is warmed and happy. I really feel the thread that has connected us his whole life, especially when we walked side by side. Its an amazing feeling!

Thank you for writing and opening a window we can glimpse into.

WsBirthmom
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 7:20 AM
Open adoption is a living nightmare, well mine is, especially since it has now closed. They didn't want open I found out, and the circumstances under which I made the 'choice' were lies and half truths, so the pain is too much. I share my story in a much toned down manner as I can talk to PWCA and be a mess, my message will get lost. I am factual, tactful, and tell them that they are not playing 'Beat the Clock' as many industry saavy agencies and 'professionals' (term used loosely here) usually do. I am triggered by 'happy stories' because I am not happy with how everything happened. If I don't like a post/thread on here, I stay away from it, or maybe take some time to process it and come back to it after I have worked my way through. Everyone has a choice about how THEY feel. If they feel this is a negative place, then they can decide what to do about it. But, as it was stated, until they are ready, to dig in and understand all the injustices, and then look at their own scenarios, they can go for support where they choose.
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vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 12:30 PM
Jules, you say you love your mother but will likely never meet her. Has she passed away? You also seem to know her story without ever hearing it from her. Who has told you her story? I am very curious as the story written in my daughters adoption file is NOT my story. It is a fairy tale of lies devised by the adoption facilitator.
Your friend asks you questions because she is in pain. Why would she care if her son loved or hated her if she did not love and want him? It sounds like she had no other option. Once a decision is made to carry a pregnancy, it is then a choice between parenting or not. It sounds like no one would help her to parent.
I was what was best for my daughter. I am her mother. I was not a drug nor child abuser, I was young and unwed which does not equal a bad mother. I do not want to be thanked for being drugged and held hostage for my signature. I was not strong enough to fight them and that is something I will eternally regret.


Quoting JulesKH:

I'm new here, and I hope I'm not over-stepping any boundaries with this because I am not a birth mom, I'm an adoptee. But I have a friend who is a birth mom. When we were in high school, she got pregnant our senior year. The baby's father was freaked out and didn't know what to think. She had people pressuring her to have an aportion. She even made an appointment and went to the clinic to talk to a doctor about it. She came to me the next day. She knew I was adopted and had a question for me. "do you hate your birth-mom for giving you up?" I was shocked she would even think that, but I've never been on that end of the equation. I've always loved my birth mom. I've never met her, but I love her. I only know her story. She was 18, unmarried, my birth father was out of the picture (no details as to why), and she felt she couldn't give me a good life and care for me properly. She chose to give me my life and a chance to have the type of life she couldn't give me. As I told my friend this, tears rolled down her face. She just hugged me and thanked me and told me that she knew she couldn't handle a baby right then, but after talking to the doctor she just didn't want to have an abortion because "I saw it, it's a baby", but she also couldn't bear the thought of carrying a baby 9 months and then it grow up hating her because she gave it up. We talked several more times through those 9 months. She even once told me that I helped "seal" her decision to carry and not abort. She said I gave her hope that her child would one-day understand that she did what she did out of love and wouldn't hate her for her choice. That kiddo is about 14 now. She has no contact with him because it was a closed adoption. But she is ok. I maybe wouldn't say "happy" all the time, but I would say "content". She knows she made the best choice for him. When she does mention concerns, it's more about how he feels. "does he understand?" "does he wonder about her?" "does he know in his heart that he now as a little half-sister?" But she doesn't mention pain over her decision.  She doesn't mention heartache for the child she doesn't know. Conversely she does express happiness about her decision not to abort and that he got to go to a good family who had the resources to give him a better life than she could've given him. She's content with her choice and his life because of it. So there are birth moms out there like that. I'm not saying it should be that way for everyone, no two people have the same circumstance or experience. I'm just saying that there are those that have no real regrets, just a few "i wonder" moments.

Also, on a more personal note. As an adoptee, if I could say something to my own birth mother, it would be this: Thank You. For loving me enough to give me life. For loving me enough to let me go. For giving me all the wonderful opportunities I've had in life with my adopted family. I've never met you, but I hold you in my heart. I love you.

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Lurion
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 4:02 PM

May be apples and oranges.

It seems to me that nobody will really know the effects of open adoption until the generation of those who were raised that way are grown and studies can be done. After all in the 60s every "expert" was convinced that the way they were doing it, was best for everyone involved. See how that turned out.

Some of the happy moms may feel differently 20, 30 years from now. 


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