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Intro: First time poster, long time kool aid drinker

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Hello everyone. 

First I want to say thank you to all the posters on here, I have been reading your heart wrenching stories and am so glad you all had the courage to share them here.

I was 21 when my first son was born.  I was a naive and very young 21.  I was not an addict, I did not come from an abusive home nor was there abuse in my past.  I was irresponsible with birth control and facing the fact that the baby's father (my high school long time love, my first love) had started a serious relationship with a member of my stepfamily without informing me. 

While dealing with the realization that I was pregnant, I was also mourning the loss of my first love.  He was also a young 21 year old. 

When I finally told my mother I was pregnant, she was upset.  There were fights and things said between us that should never be said to any human being.  But ultimately, instead of trying to figure out a way for me to raise my child with support, her stance was that I should give the baby up for adoption.  I know she thought it was what was best for me and my child. I was so broken at this point in my life that I just went along and "drank the kool aid".

I met with a counselor at Catholic Family Services who seemed kind and genuinely concerned for my well being.  She offered me counseling and showed me PAP files.  I was continually told how wonderful adoption was, how I was giving a wonderful gift to a family who desperately wanted a child, how my child would have the best life, a life I could not provide him.  I was NEVER seriously offered the option of keeping my child.  Oh sure, I knew I could if I wanted to, legally.  But then I would be poor forever.  The baby would be unhappy because we were poor.  There was never any real support for keeping the baby offered beyond the cursory, "are you sure you want to do this" nonsense. 

I met the AP's once and only once.  Which was fine because I felt like a science experiment gone haywire anyway.  I was not my true self, I was broken.  I was so disconnected from the entire adoption process that I finally settled on a AP who had the same first name as me feeling it was some sort of cosmic connection.  Ugh, make me want to barf thinking about it.

I signed all the pre birth, pre adoption paperwork, not really reading any of it.  After all, I had already made my decision, it was out of my hands, I couldn't disappoint my family or the adoption counselor, or the AP's.

I stated that I would like periodic updates on my chid's life including photos on a yearly basis and letters about his development and personality, it was agreed to. 

I gave birth with my mother and father in the room.  They were supportive, the staff of the hospital not so much in my opinion.  It is my staunch belief that the staff actually withheld pain relief from me because of the adoption, but that's another story.

I held my baby, my mother held the baby.  I loved him, I breathed him in.  I would not let him go for the 2 days I had him.  I signed paperwork, I had absolutely NO counseling whatsoever about what my options would be if I decided to keep him, other than it was my right to do so. 

I was unsure whether or not to have him circumsised and was told that OF COURSE I should and then they wisked him away and I never saw him again.

Since that time, I have received exactly two sets of photos of him unprovoked.  The first was about 3 months after he was born and the second was about a year after.  No letters that I was promised, no photos since then. 

That was 14 years ago.  I drank the kool aid they fed me in their laughable post-adoption counseling.  I was great, I was a saint, I was selfless, he was better off, what a gift I had given. 

2 years ago I searched on google with what information I had on the AP's.  I found them and emailed the mother asking for photos and/or an update.  She provided it.  That was it.  I found an article written by the AM about her adopted son.  She said she didn't want the BM in their life but when he was 18 it was his right to contact me, yada yada yada. 

Well that's my story.  I have stopped blindly regurgitating the selfless, saint model of who a BM is supposed to be.  I don't know for sure that I would have accepted help had real support been offered to keep my child.  I hope that I would have.  But as so many others have written, coercion negates any real choice.  I feel that I was passively and sometimes activiely coerced.

Thank you for letting me share.


by on Oct. 16, 2012 at 10:59 AM
Replies (11-20):
adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 6:20 AM
1 mom liked this
Hi leenburke
I couldn't agree more with herewego.
I always searched for my Mom in my mind and heart- but never found a way to do so (long distance) until my daughters medical issues motivated me to get off my arse and DO it for her. It was 1995. I was 34 and we had just got our first computer. I found other adoptees and moms searching, and it was on!
It took me 8 years and $,$$$ before I would meet my family face to face.
Please consider, even if just passively, getting your info out there for him to find you if he decides to look. Sealed records, conditional access laws make it nearly impossible to obtain info and find..
Assist your son from having no other option than to pay$, plead and grovel for the prividlidge to work with those secret keepers and social workers.
Welcome to the group. Glad you found the Moms here.
leenburke
by Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 8:14 AM

I will absolutely be putting my info out there so it's easy to access for my son.  I'm assuming that in 4 years he will most likely have a facebook page or something similar so if I wanted to directly contact him, I could.  That is where I'm torn and need to sort out my feelings. 

It's so strange...I never even googled anything until 2 years ago.  All I had was the AP's first names and some background about their lives including colleges. It literally took me 20 minutes to figure out their last names and where they live now.  Primarily because the adoptive mother writes and has several articles about raising children and adoption. 

I still feel guilt about emailing her.  Part of me feels that it was completely inappropriate.  I have not contacted her again and most likely will not.  I don't know what's more difficult, not knowing anything at all about his life or knowing where he is and a general outline of what his life is like. 

His AP's are VERY wealthy.  I'm not talking about your upper middle class stable, I mean top 1% rich.  You would think this would make me happy that he's living a life I could only dream of giving him (money wise), but it doesn't.  It actually makes me sad that he's living a life so far out of my experience.  How messed up is THAT???? I think that's why I say I'm not sure I would contact him in 4 years.  That screwed up mess inside me keeps telling me I would have nothing to offer him and he probably wouldn't want anything to do with a person of lower means.  UGH! Why does my brain go there???

I just want to state for the record, that I would NEVER dream of contacting him before he was 18.  Yes, I kind of went beyond boundaries to contact his AP's but I just would not do that to him.


Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 10:44 AM
1 mom liked this
Just my thoughts. I don't feel you were out if line by contacting his AP's. You didn't harass them. Just asked for an update. And got one!

Also I don't think the amount of money you make will matter to him. I am hoping that he was raised knowing that he isn't "better" than the next person just because of money. People are inherently good. And you're his mother. :) you did what no one else could do. You gave him life.


Quoting leenburke:

I will absolutely be putting my info out there so it's easy to access for my son.  I'm assuming that in 4 years he will most likely have a facebook page or something similar so if I wanted to directly contact him, I could.  That is where I'm torn and need to sort out my feelings. 

It's so strange...I never even googled anything until 2 years ago.  All I had was the AP's first names and some background about their lives including colleges. It literally took me 20 minutes to figure out their last names and where they live now.  Primarily because the adoptive mother writes and has several articles about raising children and adoption. 

I still feel guilt about emailing her.  Part of me feels that it was completely inappropriate.  I have not contacted her again and most likely will not.  I don't know what's more difficult, not knowing anything at all about his life or knowing where he is and a general outline of what his life is like. 

His AP's are VERY wealthy.  I'm not talking about your upper middle class stable, I mean top 1% rich.  You would think this would make me happy that he's living a life I could only dream of giving him (money wise), but it doesn't.  It actually makes me sad that he's living a life so far out of my experience.  How messed up is THAT???? I think that's why I say I'm not sure I would contact him in 4 years.  That screwed up mess inside me keeps telling me I would have nothing to offer him and he probably wouldn't want anything to do with a person of lower means.  UGH! Why does my brain go there???

I just want to state for the record, that I would NEVER dream of contacting him before he was 18.  Yes, I kind of went beyond boundaries to contact his AP's but I just would not do that to him.


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drfink
by Silver Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 2:15 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi ,I agree contact him when he is 18 ! Mine is a BSE adoption.I did leave contact info every year for all of his life.He actually did look through the agency when he was in college but the agency lied.He didn't look again and this past winter/spring due to this group I met someone that intervened with the agency and we are now emailing couple of times a week..Something I have learned is that generally ...not every time but generally ...guys don't look as diligently or as hard as women do.Guys also tend to move on and go with the status quo more than women...also generally.So I would contact him when he is 18.Go slow .don't over whelm,and PRAY LIKE HECK There are no guarantees but you have to try so he will know you are interested.

If he is responsive it wont be based on what things you can provide for him.My youngest 14,has his allowance as his money ,he and my oldest 35 have bonded over and FB chat several times a week about music.My 14 year old has very eclectic taste from the 50's on till now.Apparently so does my 35 year old.I read the chats shhhhh my 14 y.o reads them to me ,knows I have access but likes to think he tells me about them.

There are no guarantees .I have known his whole name and emailing regularly only since Sept 24.I am well aware everything could go topsy turvey and go backwards in a heartbeat but for me this is better even if it disappears.So in my opinion you should contact and don't worry about the material things.If he is interested it won't be for that.

You know a therapist that works with adoptees told me that no matter the reason or whys or hows that adoptees can have a sense of rejection.Even ones that have been told beautiful stories about their first mothers and also have strong good relationships with their adoptive families..Some are strong ,some are very weak feelings but almost every adoptee he worked with had at least a  bit of this.He told me this so I would know I have to do the looking and not wait for him.

Good luck and lots of hugs

ceejay1_iz_back
by on Oct. 17, 2012 at 3:46 PM
2 moms liked this

leenburke, to this day...'black-cherry' is my favorite,lol;)

I am so happy you have found these girls.  I see, you have done your homework, and read up on our little community here...good girl;)

I am C.J., and am te one who sometimes, just takes something that "gets my crawl", and explodes.

I , of course am a Firstmother to twin sons, I am kind-of , sort-of, in reunion, with 1/2 of "my wonderful set of twins".  I hold on to Hope, I pray, and I keep faith, that I will be allowed to be 'whole" again one day.

Now, you have been given the best of the best, so there ain't much I have to add...EXCEPT, keep doing what you are doing, don't ever" go away" again, and pray9if you are not of Christian faith...then talk to the spirits! 

I could not have gotten to this place in my life without these women, without their wisdom, and their kind hearts.  We also have some wonderful Adopting Mothers, Potential adopting Mommies, who will one day make a child feel so much love, and they will do it for "the good of a child who has no one".  So stay close to them as well. 

Doodle, Gwen, and the kind hearted/broken hearted Urban, they will take you far, when you need the voice of reason;)

GIRLS, I am going away, for awhile, do not worry about me, I am fine, just have some medical issues to take care of, and I am starting to get "PISSY", especially with my dear old friend, 2nd!

I finally could take no more, and she needed to hear what was "along time com'in", so I was honored to get that off my chest:)

PLEASE do not worry about me, I am just going to need sometime, to feel better, and need that time to be free of online group therapy:)

I LOVE EACH OF YOU GUYS, and simply wish you all the happiness, every single Mom deserves!

Drfink, DVT, RNCHELLE93, Vikki,2jeffsmom, and there are so many others, can't think straight...PLEASE be kind to yourselves, please keep doing what you do best...HELPING!  But do not forget about YOU!

Gwen72
by Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 7:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Hello and welcome to our group!  I placed my son 21 years ago.  He was also raised in a very wealthy family.  Both of his parents have their own business.  I know what it's like to feel like you should be happy that your child had the kind of life you wanted them to have but couldn't give them yet your heart still has a huge hole in it.  I reached out to my son when he was 18 but it took him almost 2 years to respond to me.  We have exchanged a few emails and fb messages but he says that he is not ready to meet me.  I think it may be because he still lives at home and is afraid of upsetting his parents by getting to know me.  I'm hoping thatwhen he moves out we will have a chance to forge a relationship.  I hope you stick around and we can all wait for reunion together.

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 17, 2012 at 7:30 PM
Your voice of reason will be missed, but I understand. Take care of you and we will see you soon. :)

Leenburke, I am so glad you're here. And ceejay is right. There are a lot of great women here from all sides of the triad.


Quoting ceejay1_iz_back:

leenburke, to this day...'black-cherry' is my favorite,lol;)

I am so happy you have found these girls.  I see, you have done your homework, and read up on our little community here...good girl;)

I am C.J., and am te one who sometimes, just takes something that "gets my crawl", and explodes.

I , of course am a Firstmother to twin sons, I am kind-of , sort-of, in reunion, with 1/2 of "my wonderful set of twins".  I hold on to Hope, I pray, and I keep faith, that I will be allowed to be 'whole" again one day.

Now, you have been given the best of the best, so there ain't much I have to add...EXCEPT, keep doing what you are doing, don't ever" go away" again, and pray9if you are not of Christian faith...then talk to the spirits! 

I could not have gotten to this place in my life without these women, without their wisdom, and their kind hearts.  We also have some wonderful Adopting Mothers, Potential adopting Mommies, who will one day make a child feel so much love, and they will do it for "the good of a child who has no one".  So stay close to them as well. 

Doodle, Gwen, and the kind hearted/broken hearted Urban, they will take you far, when you need the voice of reason;)

GIRLS, I am going away, for awhile, do not worry about me, I am fine, just have some medical issues to take care of, and I am starting to get "PISSY", especially with my dear old friend, 2nd!

I finally could take no more, and she needed to hear what was "along time com'in", so I was honored to get that off my chest:)

PLEASE do not worry about me, I am just going to need sometime, to feel better, and need that time to be free of online group therapy:)

I LOVE EACH OF YOU GUYS, and simply wish you all the happiness, every single Mom deserves!

Drfink, DVT, RNCHELLE93, Vikki,2jeffsmom, and there are so many others, can't think straight...PLEASE be kind to yourselves, please keep doing what you do best...HELPING!  But do not forget about YOU!

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leenburke
by Member on Oct. 18, 2012 at 9:56 AM
4 moms liked this

Words can not express the feeling for the first time in my life of finding people that "get it".  Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my soul, THANK YOU!

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 18, 2012 at 12:36 PM
2 moms liked this
I remember that feeling so well. I came in here and started reading and just thought "Wow." It is very nice to have women to talk to that "get it."

Quoting leenburke:

Words can not express the feeling for the first time in my life of finding people that "get it".  Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my soul, THANK YOU!

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
snowwillow
by Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 5:28 PM

Your story kind of sounds like mine only my child was 40 this year. I was told the same thing as you and lived a life of secrets and  lies until I found her in 2001. Up until then I had no idea if she was dead or alive. She was 291/2. Imagine having a 29 1/2 year old baby. At that time I had to confess to friends and extended family that I had given my daughter away. Only a hand full of people knew about her.  I never thought I was coersed but I know that I was lead to adoption by some people and when I (we) decided to take her home we told a long speach ending with you will have to pay the agency back. We were naive teens and a year and a half later we married, that was 39 years ago and 1 son later.


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