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When should I tell them?

Posted by on Oct. 19, 2012 at 10:34 PM
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I have a 3.5 and 1 yr old. Some of you may already know some of my story. When should I tell my boys about their older brother? I know they are still young..especially the baby. I don't want to keep this from them. I want them to know they have a brother out there. Thanks ladies.
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by on Oct. 19, 2012 at 10:34 PM
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BE_U_T_XPRT
by Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 10:49 PM
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 I would talk about him soon, I don't have suggestions for how to bring it up.  However little kids are more accepting of it and you will want them to grow up knowing about him.  It is good to let them know it is ok to ask questions as well.

  I found out, (when I was 8), that my mother had a son before I was born who had died.  I was very upset and felt like I had been lied to.  AND my younger brother was the one to "find out".  It was very hurtful that she never told me.

ZakkarysMom
by Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 10:56 PM
Im sorry to hear that. :(


Quoting BE_U_T_XPRT:

 I would talk about him soon, I don't have suggestions for how to bring it up.  However little kids are more accepting of it and you will want them to grow up knowing about him.  It is good to let them know it is ok to ask questions as well.


  I found out, (when I was 8), that my mother had a son before I was born who had died.  I was very upset and felt like I had been lied to.  AND my younger brother was the one to "find out".  It was very hurtful that she never told me.


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onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 11:45 PM
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Right away IMO. Just make sure they don't worry that you might give them away if they're bad, that your son was no way to blame for his adoption. Or, that finances might make you give them away too.

Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 19, 2012 at 11:55 PM
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This is what I did. So just a suggestion. :)

As soon as I found out I was pregnant with Joshua, 6 years after the adoptions of my sons, I got my 2 boys pictures out of the closet, put them in games and put them all over my house. I already had pictures of my deceased father in law. Not the same I know, but it ties in. As Joshua was growing, I would show him the pictures and tell him, "That is Paw Paw. That is Christopher and Jeremy, your brothers." He only recently at 8 years old asked me why they were adopted and he is a very mature 8 year old, so I told him the whole story. I also recently fought CPS to keep him, so he knows first hand the power they have.

Anyway, sorry to kind of get off topic, but I would do it with pictures if possible. Any family member they don't see often or at all, I would be sure to display so they "know" their family. And their brother would be a part of that. And answer questions they ask. Joshua asked plenty. And I answered them age appropriately. Hope this helps.
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adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 5:35 AM
My 3 older brothers and 2 younger sisters were never told about me- or- each other.
I dropped a huge bombshell on them all when I came back.

Back story is mom was married with the 3 boys, but her husband was not my father. Hubby forced her to surrender me to save the marriage. Didn't work. Mom was a sahm, and had no employable job skills. She let her husband and a series of evil step mothers keep and raise the boys. She was not allowed to see them as they grew up. She remarried and had the 2 girls.

So when I came looking for my family, the kids would learn there was not one- but 4 of us they were never told about. 2 lived and worked less than 2 blocks apart. It upset them that for years they would have likely stood in line together many mornings getting their cup of coffee at the same Starbucks. And they never knew...
Vikki77
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 6:10 AM
That is heartbreaking. And another reason why there should be no secrets.

Quoting adopteeme:

My 3 older brothers and 2 younger sisters were never told about me- or- each other.

I dropped a huge bombshell on them all when I came back.



Back story is mom was married with the 3 boys, but her husband was not my father. Hubby forced her to surrender me to save the marriage. Didn't work. Mom was a sahm, and had no employable job skills. She let her husband and a series of evil step mothers keep and raise the boys. She was not allowed to see them as they grew up. She remarried and had the 2 girls.



So when I came looking for my family, the kids would learn there was not one- but 4 of us they were never told about. 2 lived and worked less than 2 blocks apart. It upset them that for years they would have likely stood in line together many mornings getting their cup of coffee at the same Starbucks. And they never knew...
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leenburke
by Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 3:27 PM
I have 3 kids at home with me, ages 8, 4, and 2. I have not told them about their older brother.
It's not a family secret. I am just not sure if even my 8 year old would understand. I think at this stage he would be utterly confused and wonder why I'm keeping his brother from him (the adoption is closed).
I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing by not bringing it up now, but its just how I feel now.
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drfink
by Silver Member on Oct. 20, 2012 at 4:06 PM


Quoting leenburke:

I have 3 kids at home with me, ages 8, 4, and 2. I have not told them about their older brother.
It's not a family secret. I am just not sure if even my 8 year old would understand. I think at this stage he would be utterly confused and wonder why I'm keeping his brother from him (the adoption is closed).
I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing by not bringing it up now, but its just how I feel now.

With my oldest I raised I told him as a very young teen.When I thought he could understand the concept and not feel worried like the others said.He was a typical young teen so I was worried if in one of the teen moods he would ever say something hurtful.He never did ever.He surprised me by telling me I was such a good mom he felt sorry for me.Only kind of kidding but I wanted to video him saying the good mom part for those other teen moments ; )I had secondary infertility so my children I raised are spread apart ...28,22,16 &14.Each of my younger children learned a little younger than the one before ...secrets are hard when we all are in the same house.This worked for us but I can also really see the benefit of making the child that was adopted just a part of the family tale as Vikki did.For me I was still so ashamed at being so unworthy of my oldest (those feeling never totally fade )when I had my 28 year old I couldn't have done it psychologically.

I think if you are able to be strong and not stress younger children ...anyone not particullarly you O.P....Vikki's way sounds pretty good.I wasn't that strong at that point.

snowwillow
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 9:22 PM

I didn't tell my son he had a sister until he was 23 and I had found her. She was 29 1/2. That was way to late. I was told I could never find her and she could never find me, so I lived the life of secrets and lies, then I had to confess. He was very upset. I guess he's ok with it now, he's 35.

vampporcupine
by Silver Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 10:07 PM
I did not tell my 2 raised daughters until a year or two after my electronic reunion. They were 14 and 15. This did not go well and I am not able to even speak about my lost daughter around them. This is 2 years later.

This was not my choice but the choice of my husband as he didn't want our girls to know their mother was "promiscuous" (his words). I wasn't, this was my first sexual experience and I later married then divorced the father. If I had had my choice it would have been before even conscious memory for them. I would have shown them her picture and left it up in plain view.

Secrets destroy.
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