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To birth moms from an adoptee

Posted by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 3:02 AM
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I've been reading alot of your stories and I feel compelled to tell all you about my story. I'm not a birth mom, I'm an adoptee. I see many of you that still grieve that decision, many who "drank the kool-aid" so to speak, many who wonder what happened to the child, and many who know what happened and are unhappy with the outcome. I know that it doesn't alway work out the way you want it to. And I'm not trying to downplay anyones experience or feelings. I guess I just want to try to give some of you a little piece of mind that sometimes it's not just kool-aid, sometimes it really works out great, and sometimes the child grows up happy and healthy and still loves you.

~~~~~

My birth mother was 18, my birth father was 35. She showed up, unexpected, at a home for unwed mothers. She told the workers that my birth father was out of the picture (didn't say why or even if he knew about me) and that she didn't have anywhere else to go or the resources to care for me when I came but she didn't want an abortion. She wanted to talk to someone about adoption. I'm not certain, I havn't looked at my file for several years, but I believe she was already pretty far along when she got there and so didn't stay long. Once I was born, it seems she maybe wavered in her decision because my adoptive parents didn't know they were getting me until the day before they picked me up. But she did make the decision and it was only 13 days between my birth and my going home with my new parents. My parents have told me about her my whole life. I don't even remember being "told" i was adopted, I've just always "known". They talked to me about it so early in my life that it has just always been a part of my life. I match my family perfectly. I'm always told I look like my mom and act like my dad. I've had a great life. I've argued with my parents like any kid does, but at the end of the day we still love each other. I truly do feel she made a good decision. I can't imagine my life any other way. My mom has always told me about my birth mother. Has always made sure that I knew that she did not abandon me, but let me go out of love for me. Has always made sure I know its ok to love her too. And I do. I've never met her, and it is unlikely that I ever will, but I do love her, very much. I thank God everyday for her.

by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 3:02 AM
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2jeffsmom
by Bronze Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 4:23 AM

Thanks for giving your perspective. I'm happy your adoption has been a good match. It sounds like you've had good loving parents. May I ask how old you are?

I hope that if you reunite with your 1st parents it will be a happy occasion for you. It seems your parents are secure in your love for them and will handle the possibility of reunion well. I wonder if your mom may be looking for you? How would you feel if she tried to contact you?

BE_U_T_XPRT
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 3:35 PM
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 I  wonder too...why "I've never met her, and it is unlikely that I ever will,"

I pray that my daughter will come looking for me!  I pray I can still be a part of her life.  I pray she will hopefully feel happy as you.  But I fear she will never want/need to look for me.  I don't feel it was every "my decision" to give her up.  I wasn't "forced", coerced yes.  I wanted to be her mother, I wanted to raise her.  I wasn't given any options about how I could raise her, my parents encouraged me to give her up.  I was told I would be poor and wouldn't be able to make it on my own with a child.  I was told I wouldn't be a good parent because of my age or marital status.  I was told if I ever found a husband he would never love my child as his own, etc!  I was told so many lies, and that is why I gave my child a "better life."  Because I believed and trusted the adults who were guiding me in such a vulnerable time.  But Now?  I know I was the best life she could have had, I was given her by God to raise her, not to think I couldn't be her mom.  I know I would have been a great mom, I would have made it whether we were poor temporarily or permenantly, etc.  AGAIN I pray that my daughter will want to know me and want me in her life and want to know MY story.  Not a second or third hand story passed down to give to her.  I pray she will want to know our family, her siblings blood related.  I pray she will not love me and thank me from afar, where I may never know the truth of what happened to her. 

Sorry to take over your post with my rambling, but I just cried hearing that last bit.  It is truly heartbreaking for a mom to hear that a daughter loves her mom and thanks her mom but that "it is unlikely" that she will ever meet her. 

Lurion
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 3:50 PM

Beautifully written, thanks for sharing. I wish every young pregnant girl who is being "guided" by the adoption agencies, could read this. Have you tried to search for your daughter?

I think everyone is happy when things turn out well for an adoptee, especially the first mom. But that doesn't take away the primal pain of a baby being ripped from his mother. 

I have to question when any adoptee makes a claim that they're "just not interested in finding their birth mom." I suspect they have blocked off some very deep emotion. Everyone processes things in their own way and time, but the assertion that there is nothing to process? I don't buy it. I think a lot of adoptees are also drinking the kool-aid, so to speak. 

Unfortunately, my daughter's father is adopted and has made the decision not to search. I believe this is out of the original pain at being given up, compounded by the pain that his adoptive dad also abandoned the family.

So my daughter, who longs to know her biological grandmother and extended family, is completely denied her medical and personal history. She has no legal rights to search. That is just plain selfish to me. 

Adoption affects the entire extended family.


Quoting BE_U_T_XPRT:

 I  wonder too...why "I've never met her, and it is unlikely that I ever will,"

I pray that my daughter will come looking for me!  I pray I can still be a part of her life.  I pray she will hopefully feel happy as you.  But I fear she will never want/need to look for me.  I don't feel it was every "my decision" to give her up.  I wasn't "forced", coerced yes.  I wanted to be her mother, I wanted to raise her.  I wasn't given any options about how I could raise her, my parents encouraged me to give her up.  I was told I would be poor and wouldn't be able to make it on my own with a child.  I was told I wouldn't be a good parent because of my age or marital status.  I was told if I ever found a husband he would never love my child as his own, etc!  I was told so many lies, and that is why I gave my child a "better life."  Because I believed and trusted the adults who were guiding me in such a vulnerable time.  But Now?  I know I was the best life she could have had, I was given her by God to raise her, not to think I couldn't be her mom.  I know I would have been a great mom, I would have made it whether we were poor temporarily or permenantly, etc.  AGAIN I pray that my daughter will want to know me and want me in her life and want to know MY story.  Not a second or third hand story passed down to give to her.  I pray she will want to know our family, her siblings blood related.  I pray she will not love me and thank me from afar, where I may never know the truth of what happened to her. 

Sorry to take over your post with my rambling, but I just cried hearing that last bit.  It is truly heartbreaking for a mom to hear that a daughter loves her mom and thanks her mom but that "it is unlikely" that she will ever meet her. 


onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 4:01 PM
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Hi Jules and welcome to the group. We always enjoy having adoptees here and listening to their prospective.

I have been reunited with my son that I relinquished in 1988 for 6 years now. I see him often, and have such a great relationship with his adoptive family that we've spent Christmases together. My son and I always spend 4th of July together and we love each other dearly.

I do hope that one day you get to tell your birth mother how you feel about her.

welcome

onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 4:07 PM


Quoting Lurion:

 

So my daughter, who longs to know her biological grandmother and extended family, is completely denied her medical and personal history. She has no legal rights to search. That is just plain selfish to me. 

Adoption affects the entire extended family.

 

I don't understand what you mean by this. I understand it might be almost impossible for her to find her paternal family, but who does the law stand in the way? Surely everyone of us has the legal right to search for whoever we choose?

Lurion
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 4:12 PM

I was referring to the fact that in many states, people outside the "triad" are given the opportunity to order non-id or even participate in a CI program, which would allow an intermediary to contact the birth mother and ask if she'd like contact. Birth siblings and grandparents, for example, are sometimes allowed to leave letters in the adoption file, in case the birth mother or other family members are also looking. 

In VA, where his adoption took place, children of the adoptees have no such rights. Birth siblings do. Since her father and the adoptive mother are not interested in looking, she is also denied. 

So we can certainly try to search (and have), but it's almost impossible without the non-id or CI. 

Quoting onethentwins:


Quoting Lurion:


So my daughter, who longs to know her biological grandmother and extended family, is completely denied her medical and personal history. She has no legal rights to search. That is just plain selfish to me. 

Adoption affects the entire extended family.


I don't understand what you mean by this. I understand it might be almost impossible for her to find her paternal family, but who does the law stand in the way? Surely everyone of us has the legal right to search for whoever we choose?


onethentwins
by Gold Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 4:12 PM


Quoting Lurion:

I was referring to the fact that in many states, people outside the "triad" are given the opportunity to order non-id or even participate in a CI program, which would allow an intermediary to contact the birth mother and ask if she'd like contact. Birth siblings and grandparents, for example, are sometimes allowed to leave letters in the adoption file, in case the birth mother or other family members are also looking. 

In VA, where his adoption took place, children of the adoptees have no such rights. Birth siblings do. Since her father and the adoptive mother are not interested in looking, she is also denied. 

So we can certainly try to search (and have), but it's almost impossible without the non-id or CI. 

Quoting onethentwins:

 

Quoting Lurion:

 

So my daughter, who longs to know her biological grandmother and extended family, is completely denied her medical and personal history. She has no legal rights to search. That is just plain selfish to me. 

Adoption affects the entire extended family.

 

I don't understand what you mean by this. I understand it might be almost impossible for her to find her paternal family, but who does the law stand in the way? Surely everyone of us has the legal right to search for whoever we choose?

 

I see.

Lurion
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 5:21 PM
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I am genuinely happy it all turned out well for you and your adoptive parents. 

When we began to search for my daughter's bio family, I was shocked to learn that many people who have been reunited with their birth moms later in life, find that the stories they have been told their whole lives are complete fabrications. You have been told a story that may or may not be true at all. There are 1000s of cases where the non-id was altered, the adoptive parents lied to, babies stolen and birth moms told their children were stillborn then placed with adoptive families. It is your truth and your history, and you certainly have the right to decide whether you ever want to look into it or not. 

JulesKH
by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 6:35 PM
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I guess I should've clarified a little bit. I said it is "unlikely I ever will" meet her because it was a completely closed adoption. I have the "unidentifiable medical information", but that is all. I've also been listed on adoption registries since I was about 20 (i'm 30 now) but only one person has contacted me and it turned out she was looking for a baby boy with my birthday (and some other info didn't match either).  So that's why I said it was "unlikely". I would like to meet her, I would like to meet any siblings. But if I never do, I'm ok with that. Please don't take offense, I don't mean to say she is unimportant, it's just that I truly am happy with my family and my life. It's true that I have no way of verifing the story I've been told. There is even a bit of it that makes me wonder. According to the info I do have, my birth-mom was still wearing braces when I was born. Braces aren't cheap, so that tells me that someone had money and could've supported her, at least up to a point. I was told the decision to move into the home and give me up was her decision. But again, no way to verify that. But either way, even if she was "drinking the kool-aid" about giving up her baby to a better life... it worked. I have a great life. Is it better that what she would've given me? No one can say for sure. But because of my Faith, I believe that I ended up just exactly where God wanted me. For whatever reason, God wanted me to be born to one mother and raised by another. It does no good for me to question why, so I'm just thankful for everything and everyone I do have. That is why I say that I'm ok if I don't get to meet my other family. Because I believe God always intended me to be with the family I am with. BTW, I also believe that I will eventually get to meet them all in Heaven. I'm sure by this point, some of you think I'm drinking all kinds of kool-aid by the gallon, but it's what I believe.

Fab74
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 8:32 PM
1 mom liked this

Hi and thanks for sharing your story, JulesKH. 

I hope you won't take offense but may I ask what made you join this group? I don't mean to misunderstand where you may be coming from, and forgive me if I'm way off, but it seems to me like there are unresolved issues/questions you are either seeking answers to or maybe some reassurance from others who have gone through what your bio mother may have gone through, and that's more than ok, of course. I have recently found out of a bio dad (I'm in my last 30s) who died earlier this year and while I say I'm ok if I never know who he was, I can't help but wonder. I was told stories about why he left before I was born but, much like yourself, I have no confirmation of those stories nor do I currently have a way to know for sure if any of it was made up. I don't know if this will make sense to you but I care and at the same time I don't care to know. I am happy with the man who raised me as my father and finding out of a bio father wouldn't have changed a thing for me but there is always, and there will always be I fear, that "but". 

I am also a birth mother and as such, I have come to gain a greater appreciation for what my own daughter who was adopted 17 years ago may be going through today.

I won't pretend to know how you are feeling or what you are feeling, but I do believe there is a reason why you joined and I hope you find in here the answers to your questions and perhaps help with your search, if that is something you are interested in.

Glad to have you with us and I hope we can be as much help to you as you I know you could be to us. 

All the best. 

Fab 

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