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To birth moms from an adoptee

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I've been reading alot of your stories and I feel compelled to tell all you about my story. I'm not a birth mom, I'm an adoptee. I see many of you that still grieve that decision, many who "drank the kool-aid" so to speak, many who wonder what happened to the child, and many who know what happened and are unhappy with the outcome. I know that it doesn't alway work out the way you want it to. And I'm not trying to downplay anyones experience or feelings. I guess I just want to try to give some of you a little piece of mind that sometimes it's not just kool-aid, sometimes it really works out great, and sometimes the child grows up happy and healthy and still loves you.

~~~~~

My birth mother was 18, my birth father was 35. She showed up, unexpected, at a home for unwed mothers. She told the workers that my birth father was out of the picture (didn't say why or even if he knew about me) and that she didn't have anywhere else to go or the resources to care for me when I came but she didn't want an abortion. She wanted to talk to someone about adoption. I'm not certain, I havn't looked at my file for several years, but I believe she was already pretty far along when she got there and so didn't stay long. Once I was born, it seems she maybe wavered in her decision because my adoptive parents didn't know they were getting me until the day before they picked me up. But she did make the decision and it was only 13 days between my birth and my going home with my new parents. My parents have told me about her my whole life. I don't even remember being "told" i was adopted, I've just always "known". They talked to me about it so early in my life that it has just always been a part of my life. I match my family perfectly. I'm always told I look like my mom and act like my dad. I've had a great life. I've argued with my parents like any kid does, but at the end of the day we still love each other. I truly do feel she made a good decision. I can't imagine my life any other way. My mom has always told me about my birth mother. Has always made sure that I knew that she did not abandon me, but let me go out of love for me. Has always made sure I know its ok to love her too. And I do. I've never met her, and it is unlikely that I ever will, but I do love her, very much. I thank God everyday for her.

by on Oct. 21, 2012 at 3:02 AM
Replies (11-20):
JulesKH
by Member on Oct. 21, 2012 at 10:36 PM
1 mom liked this

The reason I joined is because, as I've said, It's unlikely I'll ever meet my birth mom. So in turn, I'll never get to say those things I posted to her. And that is one thing that does bother me about not meeting her, the fact that I can never say "thank you" and "i love you". So I joined this group thinking that maybe if I tell my story and my feelings here, I can at least say those things to other birth mothers. It's nice to tell you all how I feel because even thought I can't talk to her, I can talk to women who walked in her shoes and made the same the choice. And in turn, maybe someone else is on here that needed to here those things come from an adoptee. I have some friends who are birth parents and, of course, I've said these things to them too. But they all have situations where they know where their child is. They don't all have constant contact, but they do all know where to send a letter or something to find out about the child and if they have any interest in their birth family. I see many on here who do not have that, so it is more like my situation. I don't know that I'm actually searching for anything in particular. I guess I was just curious what is was like on the other side of the equation. Plus, I plan to adopt in a couple of years, and I want to make sure that when that day comes, if I can, I want to do everything in my power to make the experience be the best it can be for everyone. Please don't misunderstand, I know nothing I can do will make that decision easy for the birth mom. I just hope to at least give her some peace that I will love that baby and be the best mom I can possibly be for him/her. I think reading what you all post about your different experiences will be helpful when that comes.

adopteeme
by Bronze Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 8:35 AM


Hi Jules
Glad you were able to find the Moms here in this group on cafemom.
They're a great group of Mothers to listen and learn from as they tell their experiences in adoption.

It's my hope for you that somehow you will once again stand in the company of your Mother and all your family in this life. Learning the truth can be painful. You may find rejection. You may not like what you find.  You may find a grave. Or you may find a wonderful relationship with all your family where the time and distance apart doesn't matter.  It takes  real courage to attempt to learn the truth. It's been one of the most difficult things I've ever done with emotional highs and lows.

But the bottom line for me is ~Because now I KNOW. ~

No one can ever take that away from me and my family ever again!
No more energy spent in wondering, wishing, and fearing, or questioning 'what if', why, how, when, where.
I know.
I hope the same and more for you and your natural mom and family


snowwillow
by Member on Oct. 22, 2012 at 12:24 PM

I am so happy that you have had a great life. I found my daughter in 2001 so we've been in reunion for 11 years. She was 40 in Jan. Ours was a closed adoption as that was just the way it was back in the 70's. Please be open to searching. I used a search angel and had an answer in just a few short weeks.

If you were adopted through an agency, you can send a letter to them stating you want contact and if your bmom has also left a letter, then they can put you in contact. This is how we knew that she was ours, the agency confirmed it. 

irishgal63
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 11:30 AM

      are  you  interested  in  meeting  your  b-mom, and/or  does  she  want  to  meet  you  ?

JulesKH
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 1:46 PM

I would like to, I've been listed on several registries for over 10 years now though, and no one has ever contacted me. Well, one birth mom did, but it turned out she was looking for a boy with my birthday and some other info didn't match either. So I've just accepted that it will likely never happen. As for whether or not she wants to meet me, obviously I have no way of knowing. My plan was just to put the info out there, and see if she came looking for me. I don't want to push my way into her life if my birth and adoption is a sore subjet for her and might bring up negative feelings and/or emotions. I've just always believed that things work out the way they are supposed to, so if she wants to find me, I'm there on the registry with full contact info available.

Fab74
by Member on Oct. 23, 2012 at 11:45 PM

I'm not an expert but from what I've observed/heard/witnessed around here and for the past 17 years, taking matters into your own hands tends to be the safest best when looking to reconnect with biological families. I know some here are or know Search Angels who could help you, I would therefore recommend you connect with them if that's something you'd be interested in.

WsBirthmom
by Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 7:39 AM
1 mom liked this
Adoption is MAN made, not God's will.
Man's will. Just wanted to state that.
And for (some) natural mothers, it is triggering to hear that someone is speaking about having a better life, when they don't really know what life they didn't get a chance to experience. It just seems a bit of 'put the blinders on' and keep going with those who benefitted from the adoption. Not from those who lost. Many stories in closed adoptions are fabrications, that is why they were closed. The industry couldn't very well take a baby and then tell the APs that the mother really wanted to keep him/her. That would bring guilt into it for their clients, and that is not good for business.
All I'm saying, is please don't believe everything everyone tells you. That's being gullible. If you don't want to look, that's ok, just say so, but you also have to be fair and realize that the industry could have lied to your APs which was (and still is VERY MUCH) commonplace, but it's all about the $$$ for them, so it is just the 'cost of doing business'.
Please just consider what I've said. I am also not trying to change your 'happiness', but more so, open your mind to the possibilities that could be surrounding your scenario, may not be as the story you've been told.


Quoting JulesKH:

I guess I should've clarified a little bit. I said it is "unlikely I ever will" meet her because it was a completely closed adoption. I have the "unidentifiable medical information", but that is all. I've also been listed on adoption registries since I was about 20 (i'm 30 now) but only one person has contacted me and it turned out she was looking for a baby boy with my birthday (and some other info didn't match either).  So that's why I said it was "unlikely". I would like to meet her, I would like to meet any siblings. But if I never do, I'm ok with that. Please don't take offense, I don't mean to say she is unimportant, it's just that I truly am happy with my family and my life. It's true that I have no way of verifing the story I've been told. There is even a bit of it that makes me wonder. According to the info I do have, my birth-mom was still wearing braces when I was born. Braces aren't cheap, so that tells me that someone had money and could've supported her, at least up to a point. I was told the decision to move into the home and give me up was her decision. But again, no way to verify that. But either way, even if she was "drinking the kool-aid" about giving up her baby to a better life... it worked. I have a great life. Is it better that what she would've given me? No one can say for sure. But because of my Faith, I believe that I ended up just exactly where God wanted me. For whatever reason, God wanted me to be born to one mother and raised by another. It does no good for me to question why, so I'm just thankful for everything and everyone I do have. That is why I say that I'm ok if I don't get to meet my other family. Because I believe God always intended me to be with the family I am with. BTW, I also believe that I will eventually get to meet them all in Heaven. I'm sure by this point, some of you think I'm drinking all kinds of kool-aid by the gallon, but it's what I believe.


Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
JulesKH
by Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 9:46 PM
1 mom liked this

We will just have to agree to disagree on issue of Man's Will/God's Will in adoption. The Bible even talks about it in several places and even compares God's caring for us to an adoption. I believe in God and the Bible and believe that my adoption was part of his plan for my life. However, you don't have to believe that, everyone is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs. So like I said, agree to disagree.

As for adoption being all about the money, well, that too is a matter of perspective. I'm sure that there are organizations out there that are just exactly that. But there are also those that aren't. I have a degree in social work and spent some time with child protective services and adoption services. I am also S.A.F.E. certified to do home studies for adoptions. And I can assure you that not ALL services and agencies are just out for the money.

Also, I never said, I definitely have a better life than I would've had with my bio-mom. I said "I have a great life. Is it better that what she would've given me? No one can say for sure."  I even admitted that I have no way of proving the story in my file, and that the fact the she was in braces tells me that someone could've helped (at least financially) if they had wanted to. So I don't think I'm being gullible or wearing "blinders". I've just chosen to be happy where I am and believe it is all part of a greater plan.  I could live my life waiting and wondering "what if" or I can actually live my life and be happy. And as a mother myself, I know the one thing I life I want most for my son is that he be happy. And regardless of the circumstances of my birth/adoption, I believe that my own mothers (both of them) want the same for me.

Quoting WsBirthmom:

Adoption is MAN made, not God's will.
Man's will. Just wanted to state that.
And for (some) natural mothers, it is triggering to hear that someone is speaking about having a better life, when they don't really know what life they didn't get a chance to experience. It just seems a bit of 'put the blinders on' and keep going with those who benefitted from the adoption. Not from those who lost. Many stories in closed adoptions are fabrications, that is why they were closed. The industry couldn't very well take a baby and then tell the APs that the mother really wanted to keep him/her. That would bring guilt into it for their clients, and that is not good for business.
All I'm saying, is please don't believe everything everyone tells you. That's being gullible. If you don't want to look, that's ok, just say so, but you also have to be fair and realize that the industry could have lied to your APs which was (and still is VERY MUCH) commonplace, but it's all about the $$$ for them, so it is just the 'cost of doing business'.
Please just consider what I've said. I am also not trying to change your 'happiness', but more so, open your mind to the possibilities that could be surrounding your scenario, may not be as the story you've been told.


Quoting JulesKH:

I guess I should've clarified a little bit. I said it is "unlikely I ever will" meet her because it was a completely closed adoption. I have the "unidentifiable medical information", but that is all. I've also been listed on adoption registries since I was about 20 (i'm 30 now) but only one person has contacted me and it turned out she was looking for a baby boy with my birthday (and some other info didn't match either).  So that's why I said it was "unlikely". I would like to meet her, I would like to meet any siblings. But if I never do, I'm ok with that. Please don't take offense, I don't mean to say she is unimportant, it's just that I truly am happy with my family and my life. It's true that I have no way of verifing the story I've been told. There is even a bit of it that makes me wonder. According to the info I do have, my birth-mom was still wearing braces when I was born. Braces aren't cheap, so that tells me that someone had money and could've supported her, at least up to a point. I was told the decision to move into the home and give me up was her decision. But again, no way to verify that. But either way, even if she was "drinking the kool-aid" about giving up her baby to a better life... it worked. I have a great life. Is it better that what she would've given me? No one can say for sure. But because of my Faith, I believe that I ended up just exactly where God wanted me. For whatever reason, God wanted me to be born to one mother and raised by another. It does no good for me to question why, so I'm just thankful for everything and everyone I do have. That is why I say that I'm ok if I don't get to meet my other family. Because I believe God always intended me to be with the family I am with. BTW, I also believe that I will eventually get to meet them all in Heaven. I'm sure by this point, some of you think I'm drinking all kinds of kool-aid by the gallon, but it's what I believe.



JulesKH
by Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 9:50 PM
1 mom liked this

Let me just also say, that I did not mean to upset anyone or hurt anyones feelings. My whole reason for posting this was to just say "Thank You" to women like my birth mom since I can't actually tell her. I just wanted someone who had walked in her shoes to get to hear it and know that sometimes it does turn out all right. I am truly sorry if I offended anyone.

JulesKH
by Member on Oct. 24, 2012 at 10:02 PM
1 mom liked this

As for actually taking that step of taking matters into my own hands or to get help from a search angel, I've thought about it, and I'm just not there yet. I personally would like to know her, but I have a son so life isn't just about me anymore. My son is 12 and he is also adopted. Because of his circumstances, there is absolutely no chance ever of him getting to meet his birth-mom, none. I don't want to hurt him by me finding my other family when I can't do the same for him. Especially right now. Like I said, he's 12, so hormones are kicking in, he is Jr. High now, and life as a teenager is hard enough with out adding anything else to it.  Maybe one day when he is a little older and after we've sat down and had a in-depth discussion about what it would mean and how he would feel about it. Actually I want to have several conversations because I want him to really really think about it. Right now he's the kind of kid that would just say "i don't care" without really thinking it through. He means the world to me and I will always put his needs and wellbeing above my own, even if it means sacrificing something I want.

Quoting Fab74:

I'm not an expert but from what I've observed/heard/witnessed around here and for the past 17 years, taking matters into your own hands tends to be the safest best when looking to reconnect with biological families. I know some here are or know Search Angels who could help you, I would therefore recommend you connect with them if that's something you'd be interested in.


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